Consequences

I’ve been hurting My Wife for years and because of that she is incapable of intimacy. Her frequent statement ofI Don’t know if it’s ever coming back doesn’t seem to be just because of my extracurricular activities. No, it’s because of the way I’ve been treating her.

My consequence, my punishment for my crimes is to live out my years without intimacy.

There’s an exquisite pain that accompanies that knowledge.

I have asked her to go to counseling. She has done so, twice. She has seen her therapist for two sessions, one month apart. Her therapist is now on maternity leave for at least six weeks. She will likely read this and interpret my stating that as saying what she is doing isn’t good enough. I’m not. Kind of. It ISN’T good enough if she wants to recover. It’s good enough for me because that’s what she has been capable of.

Yesterday, I asked her, “What are you willing to do to work on our marriage?”
Right now, nothing.

Those words were like arrows to my soul.

You’re ready to work, you’re ready to move on. I’m not. Why do I have to work on YOUR timeline?
“Because my time on earth is short. I don’t think I have much time left and I’d REALLY like to spend my remaining years with some semblance of happiness.”

Let me explain:
I have a fairly severe kidney issue. I have Chronic Kidney Disease. Out of five stages, I’m between stage three and four. Stage four is where dialysis begins and you’re put on the transplant list.

She tells me I don’t know what I’m talking about and to not self-diagnose. Numbers don’t lie and my kidneys have bad numbers. So there’s not much of a mystery of what’s going to happen.

I’m trying real hard to tie up loose ends while I can so I can live with a purpose beyond getting better.

The road to hell, as they say, is paved with good intentions.

Give A Piece Of Your Heart, Not Your Mind

I JUST saw a great quote on Twitter that totally confirms my recent pivot in mindset:
Your marriage will be happier when you give your spouse a bit of your heart instead of a piece of your mind.

That, gentle readers, is a friggin’ piece of genius right there.

It’s kind of interesting how things in my life have changed since I’ve tried to refocus my thinking. Look at things through the lens of compassion and you see the world in a different way. People are hurting, people have needs that are going unmet, people are lonely- even when surrounded by others.

Personally, I have had those experiences and I’ll be damned if I’m going to further contribute to someone else’s any longer. The pain sucks and knowing I cause the pain sucks.

Knowing I can be a part of the solution and bring peace and joy into their life is a satisfying feeling. I like satisfying feelings. They kind of make me feel good…

That brings me back to that quote. It took My Wife giving a piece of HER heart to make me give a piece of mine. When she did, I instantly melted. Frustrations evaporated immediately. Not all of them, but enough for me to understand the situation. I had already started the transition to compassion. My Wife hit me in the face with it and pushed me knee deep into the compassion mind-set.

I’m not going back. It’s far too precious a place to be.

Fix It And Stop Being Bitches

I’ve been catching up on my porn-addiction/sex-addict blogs over the past few days. All of them, ALL OF THEM, including my old posts, are the same thing.
• I’m in pain
• I’m trying to stop
• Something happened and I freaking DESERVE to use my porn
• I deserve happiness

I Call Bullshit
I say that because all these people are doing is trying to get away from the sex component.

SOMETHING is causing you (me) to behave this way. You’ve tried 12-step groups, you’ve tried using someone’s “system” off of a website. How’s that working for you?

How about this:
ADDRESS THE ISSUE!

For me it was childhood abuse.
What’s your problem?
What pain are you trying to escape from?

Chances are, if you’ve made it this far, you don’t NEED your coping mechanism anymore. It’s time to heal the wounds and move on.

In my case, I waited so long, my issues turned into full-blown mental illness- specifically Borderline Personality Disorder.

Please get to the root issue and stop dicking around.

Random, Off Subject Post

This post has NOTHING to do with my normal blog topics.

Humor me, please.

I am a career teacher in my 18th year on the job. The previous 17 were spent in music- band specifically. I went through a MASSIVE burnout and found myself needing to teach something else. I ended up in middle school history.

I’m a rookie teacher in my 18th year on the job AND I’m learning how to be a real teacher. I’m teaching a core subject. A totally new environment.

This time last week (Friday), I gave a quiz over the section we had just finished. The test average for my combined class load of 157 students was 68%. As of today, the test averages had climbed to 94%!!!

I’m so proud of that progress!

Mindfully Compassionate

We were intimate last night. It wasn’t TOTALLY out of the blue- we had a pretty awesome encounter over the weekend. But last night was the whole-enchilada. We have not had enchiladas since the middle of June and I really like enchiladas…

This all comes on the heels on My Wife saying she was making an effort to work on our marriage. She said that last Friday. When she said it, a major wall came down. As in, I was in process of moving out and about to file for divorce. When she said she was trying…those plans and ideas and concepts all vanished. Immediately. I cried when she said it. We were driving too so there was nothing for me to do but drive and do my thing.

The next day- I was instantly motivated to actually DO something around the house. Her waking me up and providing me with a bit of pleasure didn’t hurt either. I was super motivated then.

I worked with minimal bitching. I WANTED to do my part- I wanted to please her. I do the kitchen, so I’ve made sure to keep it under relative control since then.

Something interesting has happened. My previous emotional roller coaster- it isn’t very hilly right now. Just a bump here and there. I’m not trying to plan a new future by myself. I’m where I belong again- in my marriage.

Before- I had decided we were too far gone. I had accepted our fate. I had even developed a new mindset and had come to peace with it. I didn’t WANT it, but that’s the wY it was going to happen. I had moved out of our room and into another part of the house. We only saw each other early in the mornings (if that) or whenever one of us first came home. Otherwise I’d go straight to my room. But last Friday, she asked me to sleep with her again. She even said please.

:::heart melted there:::

Everything was falling back into place for our marriage.

For me- the last piece of the puzzle came in yesterday afternoon.

I had spent such a long time viewing myself as someone who needed protection and help.
You’re mentally ill…
You need help…
You’re sick…
I even wrote that I was messed up and would always need help.

I was wrong.
I am NOT messed up.
I have problems just like everyone else. Mine might be different than yours, but we both have them. The way I react to my problems and stressors may not make sense to you- but that’s how MY brain tells me to react. I’m not sick. I’m just me.

Another thing is something I learned as an extension of my Dialectical Behavior Therapy. I learned to view everything through the lens of compassion.

That’s when it hit me:
My Wife needs help and protection too. Helping her and protecting her is MY job.

Bailing out on our marriage is the LAST thing I’m supposed to do. “She’s not meeting my needs”
Boo-hoo…
Shut up and help her.

I discovered that by helping My Wife, I’m helping myself too.

That’s the cycle I’ve been looking to get on.

Don’t Think About Pink Elephants

I stopped focusing on sex/porn addiction issues in late July, 2014. Since that time, I have found that I have ZERO issues with sex/porn addiction issues.

It’s the damnedest thing ever.

That was when I began focusing on my mental state full time. Well, by full-time, I mean NOT spending my time focusing on NOT focusing on sex/porn shite. From that point on, I became more and more determined to fix my mind.

I had been referred to a new therapist in order to treat my Borderline Personality Disorder. THAT referral has been, what I consider to be, a watershed event in my life.

I became involved with Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT). This therapy is built around a concept known as mindfulness. There are MANY different types of mindfulness. From meditation to simple breathing. One can eat mindfully, look upon things mindfully, listen mindfully…pretty much anything that involves the senses. The single most important thing: Do NOT be judgmental.

Listen to nature and simply be present, bring no judgment to the situation. The sounds are neither pleasing nor annoying; they are just sounds.

Eat what is before you. Taste each ingredient casting no judgment; there is no pleasant or unpleasant- there are just flavors.

Look at a picture for five minutes. Notice the colors. Are there colors? What do you notice most about the picture? Do you notice any negative (empty) space? Can you describe what you see using words you would not normally use?

Breath and focus only on the rhythm and type of breathing you are doing. Is it fast or slow? Shallow or deep? Where do you feel the sensation of breathing on your body the most? Should your mind float away, simply guide it back, without judgment, back to your breathing.

The breathing is what I tend to do most of all.

Each of these exercises, and there are hundreds more, are designed to keep us in the present- the here and now. One cannot be focusing on a picture of a flower, taking mental notes of every detail AND be in deep thought over their problems.

I mentioned that I had realized my lack of desire to act out to my therapist this evening. “Ever since I became involved with mindfulness, I don’t have abnormal sexual urges. No porn desires, no constant thoughts of sex. I’m not constantly hounded by my mind over sex anymore.”
The reason is, you can’t think about two things at once. You have gotten to a point where you can feel yourself slipping into trouble and you begin using the skills we work on together. Research shows that mindfulness develops the frontal lobe- it’s a higher-level of thinking. Look, we’re all animals. The human being has three basic needs: eat, sleep and reproduce. Those are hard-wired into our minds. Mindfulness helps us to bypass our animalistic brain and go to our higher-level thinking.
“Oh, yeah, so before, I was focused on NOT focusing on sex and porn. No wonder I was struggling.”
Exactly, essentially, you were constantly telling yourself to not think of pink elephants.

I laughed pretty good, that’s one of my favorite analogies.

I told him I would be writing about this topic tonight.
“I wish others could discover this stuff. It’s life-altering.”

So here o am, writing about mindfulness. Some get spooked because you COULD go the meditation route if you wanted. I do that sometimes and I really like it. “But that’s Buddhism!”
No it’s not, you dolt!
It’s Buddhism if you follow the tenants of Buddhism. They have a philosophy and such. Meditation is just like the breathing I described. Think about nothing. BOOM! You’ve meditated!

Some guys won’t do this stuff because…it’s stupid or its “gay.”
Sure, man. You tell yourself that. As for me, I’ve found something that is working for me. I don’t ask you to like it. I ask you to consider it and not just pitch it because you think it’s dumb.

I went through EVERY possible treatment or group available in my area. I even went to a few AA meetings. I completed a Celebrate Recovery group. I don’t feel like I really got anything from it. Mindfulness though, THAT’S my jam.
It works for me.

Think about it.
Just don’t think about those pink elephants anymore.

Peace

I have finally come to terms with the death of my marriage’s intimacy. I will no longer pursue a solution. Should one happen, it is because God wills it.

My Wife IS very capable of providing comfort. I found that out yesterday. That comfort, however, is fleeting. I now know there will never be an intimate relationship in my marriage. I have accepted it and have made peace with it. In fact, I believe the previous however many months was me going through the grieving process.

I did ask My Wife to look into dealing with her trauma. She said no, but I know she has to do it eventually.

I also asked her to look into the information I have provided her in communicating/interacting effectively with someone with Borderline Personality Disorder. I’m pretty sure she’s not interested.

It’s crazy, I’ve been at total peace whenever I focus on the finality of everything. Marital intimacy is dead, I’m dealing with my demons and she is doing as she feels is right. Just a few days ago I’d have lost my mind over these things. But I can’t change anyone’s reaction or mindset.

One of my skills is Coping Ahead. As I understand it- that means expect the best, plan for the worst. That’s where I am.

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The Gorilla

My major hang-up in life, right now, is my marriage. Specifically my lack of intimacy with My Wife.

We have made love exactly 3 times in 2014. Once in January, twice in June. That is not a complaint, it is a statement of fact.

My Wife has repeatedly stated that she fears it will never return. I share that fear. Sometimes it is a very real fear while other times o believe it to be a non-existent problem. She is on a stage of trauma and/or healing. Lack of intimacy is a standard part of that. Right?

I dunno.
For some it is.
For some, like her, this lack of desire for intimacy is perfectly natural and explainable.

The way I perceive the situation is that she is scared. By scared I mean petrified. By petrified I mean scared shitless that I’m going to do something to devastate her so much (again) she will never be able to recover from it.

My Wife is an unbelievably remarkable woman. The word strong does not do her justice. More to the point, I do not believe the words even exist that can describe the depth and breadth of her resiliency. With that knowledge in place, one must then attempt to understand just how deeply I have hurt her.

Over the past 3 weeks, My Wife has allowed me to begin snuggling her again. This has ONLY taken place early in the morning and, unbeknownst to me, as I sleep. There have been zero instances of closeness during the day or evening. There are random hugs and/pecks, but no snuggles.

EAAAAAARLY this morning, as I was leaving for school, I snuck into her room to kiss her goodbye. I gave her a very long kiss on her forehead and rubbed her butt. She was out cold, but she didn’t kick my ass like she normally would. This evening, I was leaving to go to a game. I gave her the prescribed peck (that I always try to extend and turn into something else and get denied) and rubbed her butt. She suddenly “had to go sit down.” That was a new one.

I’m assuming I went too far. I just don’t know. She has to know I’m going to make attempts though. I AM a human male. It has been over 5 months since we were last intimate. I AM missing her company. I REALLY do like/love/need her bunches. Our lack of intimacy is not healthy. There is NO person that would recommend a husband and wife abstain from sex for months at a time and expect to see a healthy relationship. I will repeat what I have said/written many times before: marriage without intimacy is not a marriage, it is a financial arrangement.

I do not want to live as part of a financial arrangement. I really, Really, REALLY want a healthy marriage and I really, Really, REALLY want My Wife to want that as well. I truly don’t believe I want very much in that.

I also really, Really, REALLY want to be able to discuss this stuff without it becoming a fight or a day killer. Does that have to happen? So far, it always has. Every time we’ve tried to discuss it, our day/weekend/month has been wrecked. Lately, we’ve come to the bloody edge of divorce over it the last two times.

Why is that?

Two reasons as far as I can tell.
My Wife and me.

My Wife seems to be scared to death.
Scared I’m going to hurt her. Not just as her husband, but more importantly, whenever we have an important discussion, I end up losing my mind.

That has to stop.

Eventually we have to address the situation. It’s the 800 pound gorilla in the room. I want to talk about him and she doesn’t want to acknowledge he exists yet.

Trust me..he does.

To Post Or

This post is from my crazy Borderline daily diary thing I have to keep. I had previously had a habit of posting these, but I learned that some things are best kept private. And yes, it DID take me right at 11 months to realize that.

I debated whether or not I was going to share this little nugget or not. I don’t speak/think negatively of anyone. My worry is that I’ll be viewed as someone that is offended by EVERYTHING that is said to me.

I’m not.
That’s nowhere near the case.
What I AM is a person that feels like he is dismissed by virtually everyone he comes in contact with. Family, friends, acquaintances, therapists, my children and even my spouse.

One could say I’ve had a lifetime of experience when it comes to being dismissed. It’s like art. I can’t explain it, but I sure as hell know it when I see it.

But I digress…
Behold! The post I intended on putting up earlier. May it richly bless you 😋

It was a half and half day. School was tremendous. At our son’s game, I had several issues. Loud mommas were triggering me right and left. As halftime was ending, I looked to My Wife and told her I wanted to move.
Why do you always want to move!?

I sat there for a moment, REALLY surprised she had said that. First- she knows exactly why I want to move. Second- her father has the exact issue.

I sat a moment longer and finally addressed her.
“Would you ask that of your father?”
No, if he wanted to move, he would just move. But if you want to move you expect me to move too. I don’t want to move.

I sat another moment or two, got up and moved. I no longer had to listen to loud, invalidating mommas and I wasn’t getting pissed off at My Wife.

I wasn’t asking her to move necessarily. I suppose I WAS hinting at it. There was a time on our past that she would have jumped up and moved with me. But I know that time is long gone.

I wasn’t really upset by the part that she didn’t want to move. I understand that. I guess. I’d understand more had she been socializing with the people around us, I guess she was comfortable.

It was the in your face, immediate questioning that took me off guard.
Why do you always want to move!?

My feelings and triggers that come along with these women yelling aren’t a secret. My Wife and I have had several chats about the situation.

My mind, being what it is, goes to work (read- overdrive).
Is this response due to her stress?
Is she upset with me?
Have I wronged her somehow?
Was I rude to her?
Did I dismiss her somehow?

On and on it goes.

“In this moment, I’m ok” was repeated in my mind as nauseam. It settled me down some.

I still have some thoughts though.

I have work to do.