My major hang-up in life, right now, is my marriage. Specifically my lack of intimacy with My Wife.
We have made love exactly 3 times in 2014. Once in January, twice in June. That is not a complaint, it is a statement of fact.
My Wife has repeatedly stated that she fears it will never return. I share that fear. Sometimes it is a very real fear while other times o believe it to be a non-existent problem. She is on a stage of trauma and/or healing. Lack of intimacy is a standard part of that. Right?
For some it is.
For some, like her, this lack of desire for intimacy is perfectly natural and explainable.
The way I perceive the situation is that she is scared. By scared I mean petrified. By petrified I mean scared shitless that I’m going to do something to devastate her so much (again) she will never be able to recover from it.
My Wife is an unbelievably remarkable woman. The word strong does not do her justice. More to the point, I do not believe the words even exist that can describe the depth and breadth of her resiliency. With that knowledge in place, one must then attempt to understand just how deeply I have hurt her.
Over the past 3 weeks, My Wife has allowed me to begin snuggling her again. This has ONLY taken place early in the morning and, unbeknownst to me, as I sleep. There have been zero instances of closeness during the day or evening. There are random hugs and/pecks, but no snuggles.
EAAAAAARLY this morning, as I was leaving for school, I snuck into her room to kiss her goodbye. I gave her a very long kiss on her forehead and rubbed her butt. She was out cold, but she didn’t kick my ass like she normally would. This evening, I was leaving to go to a game. I gave her the prescribed peck (that I always try to extend and turn into something else and get denied) and rubbed her butt. She suddenly “had to go sit down.” That was a new one.
I’m assuming I went too far. I just don’t know. She has to know I’m going to make attempts though. I AM a human male. It has been over 5 months since we were last intimate. I AM missing her company. I REALLY do like/love/need her bunches. Our lack of intimacy is not healthy. There is NO person that would recommend a husband and wife abstain from sex for months at a time and expect to see a healthy relationship. I will repeat what I have said/written many times before: marriage without intimacy is not a marriage, it is a financial arrangement.
I do not want to live as part of a financial arrangement. I really, Really, REALLY want a healthy marriage and I really, Really, REALLY want My Wife to want that as well. I truly don’t believe I want very much in that.
I also really, Really, REALLY want to be able to discuss this stuff without it becoming a fight or a day killer. Does that have to happen? So far, it always has. Every time we’ve tried to discuss it, our day/weekend/month has been wrecked. Lately, we’ve come to the bloody edge of divorce over it the last two times.
Why is that?
Two reasons as far as I can tell.
My Wife and me.
My Wife seems to be scared to death.
Scared I’m going to hurt her. Not just as her husband, but more importantly, whenever we have an important discussion, I end up losing my mind.
That has to stop.
Eventually we have to address the situation. It’s the 800 pound gorilla in the room. I want to talk about him and she doesn’t want to acknowledge he exists yet.