The Gorilla

My major hang-up in life, right now, is my marriage. Specifically my lack of intimacy with My Wife.

We have made love exactly 3 times in 2014. Once in January, twice in June. That is not a complaint, it is a statement of fact.

My Wife has repeatedly stated that she fears it will never return. I share that fear. Sometimes it is a very real fear while other times o believe it to be a non-existent problem. She is on a stage of trauma and/or healing. Lack of intimacy is a standard part of that. Right?

I dunno.
For some it is.
For some, like her, this lack of desire for intimacy is perfectly natural and explainable.

The way I perceive the situation is that she is scared. By scared I mean petrified. By petrified I mean scared shitless that I’m going to do something to devastate her so much (again) she will never be able to recover from it.

My Wife is an unbelievably remarkable woman. The word strong does not do her justice. More to the point, I do not believe the words even exist that can describe the depth and breadth of her resiliency. With that knowledge in place, one must then attempt to understand just how deeply I have hurt her.

Over the past 3 weeks, My Wife has allowed me to begin snuggling her again. This has ONLY taken place early in the morning and, unbeknownst to me, as I sleep. There have been zero instances of closeness during the day or evening. There are random hugs and/pecks, but no snuggles.

EAAAAAARLY this morning, as I was leaving for school, I snuck into her room to kiss her goodbye. I gave her a very long kiss on her forehead and rubbed her butt. She was out cold, but she didn’t kick my ass like she normally would. This evening, I was leaving to go to a game. I gave her the prescribed peck (that I always try to extend and turn into something else and get denied) and rubbed her butt. She suddenly “had to go sit down.” That was a new one.

I’m assuming I went too far. I just don’t know. She has to know I’m going to make attempts though. I AM a human male. It has been over 5 months since we were last intimate. I AM missing her company. I REALLY do like/love/need her bunches. Our lack of intimacy is not healthy. There is NO person that would recommend a husband and wife abstain from sex for months at a time and expect to see a healthy relationship. I will repeat what I have said/written many times before: marriage without intimacy is not a marriage, it is a financial arrangement.

I do not want to live as part of a financial arrangement. I really, Really, REALLY want a healthy marriage and I really, Really, REALLY want My Wife to want that as well. I truly don’t believe I want very much in that.

I also really, Really, REALLY want to be able to discuss this stuff without it becoming a fight or a day killer. Does that have to happen? So far, it always has. Every time we’ve tried to discuss it, our day/weekend/month has been wrecked. Lately, we’ve come to the bloody edge of divorce over it the last two times.

Why is that?

Two reasons as far as I can tell.
My Wife and me.

My Wife seems to be scared to death.
Scared I’m going to hurt her. Not just as her husband, but more importantly, whenever we have an important discussion, I end up losing my mind.

That has to stop.

Eventually we have to address the situation. It’s the 800 pound gorilla in the room. I want to talk about him and she doesn’t want to acknowledge he exists yet.

Trust me..he does.IMG_5091.JPG

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About MyJourney

I'm a 41 year old married father of 3. I am a sex addict. This blog is to document my progress, recovery and marital growth. Pornography is an evil creation. Let my experiences serve as a warning to all.
This entry was posted in Healing, Marriage Issues, Relationship, Sex and tagged , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

4 Responses to The Gorilla

  1. Being scared may be a part of it, but trauma is a huge part. And you seem to be crossing the lines by touching her on a part of her that she may associate with that trauma (her butt). You are using your being a male and a husband to justify your behavior but try being a partner and a friend to someone that has suffered a significant trauma. You wouldn’t rub the butt of a friend that had suffered a rape (extreme example, but being the partner of a sex addict can feel like that), or other sexual abuse/assault.

    Maybe you should start by touching her shoulding and re-introducing safe, non-sexual touch so that you are not triggering her. At the state my relationship is in right now, if my husband were to touch my butt or my breasts or my stomach or my legs, I would likely punch him. It does not feel safe for me for him to touch me in any of those places. She may not be able to express her boundaries or why it bothers her, but she is certainly never going to get clarity on it if you keep doing it. Have a conversation about where she feels comfortable having you touch her and follow that. She needs to trust you and your motives. If you respect her as much as you say, then listen to her needs – really listen. It will take time, but you may be rewarded. And keep it about this one topic. If you start to “lose it” ask for a break in the conversation. Respect yourself in this too. Make a call, pray, write, go for a walk, whatever you need to do to refocus on making your relationship better and not on what it is or isn’t that you are getting. Acknowledge your appreciation for the conversation, do not push her to have an answer for something she may not know or be able to explain.

    • MyJourney says:

      Rhis is far worse than i had ever imagined. My thought that she is scared and afraid she might never recover is wrong. She said that this was how she felt BEFORE disclosure.

      She said that she is totally and completely unwilling to address intimacy in our marriage. She says that it is dead and not coming back. “I was hoping we could have a marriage without intimacy” was one of her exact statements.

      THAT is not a foundation upon which to rebuild a marriage.

      I asked if she wants to be part of a healthy marriage- “Yes, but it isn’t coming back.”

      I WANT to believe she desires a healthy relationship. But there’s nothing to support that belief. I ask her to consider something and she says no. Not just no, but no- stop asking and it isnt going to happen.

      • You HAVE to respect what she needs for there to even be a hope of recovery. Or if that life is unacceptable to you, then you have to make a change be it accept her position and stay, or leave. But for now, keep the touching safe and non-sexual. Show her that you are willing to respect what she needs now.

      • MyJourney says:

        I completely respect her need and I totally understand it. I have accepted there will not be a recovery. After I wrote that post, she and I had a painful discussion that was not any fun. I had my ups and downs, only a couple of breakdowns but nothing severe and no fighting. We have past that point. I have moved out of our bedroom. She says I dont have to, but I think it isn’t appropriate for me to be in there with her any longer.

        I did have an emotional melt-down. Not angry or anything like that. I was coming to terms that the intimate part of our lives is dead and buried. I told her that, since my family is unsafe, I have no one to go to for comfort. She came to where I sat and, with a little help, full body snuggled me. She provided comfort to me that I was truly desperate for.

        But that confort is only fleeting and it comes when I am obviously desperate. Marital intimacy died. She can no longer provide that.

        So, unless some type of miracle happens, there will be no recovery. It is what it is and I have accepted it.

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