Consequences

I’ve been hurting My Wife for years and because of that she is incapable of intimacy. Her frequent statement ofI Don’t know if it’s ever coming back doesn’t seem to be just because of my extracurricular activities. No, it’s because of the way I’ve been treating her.

My consequence, my punishment for my crimes is to live out my years without intimacy.

There’s an exquisite pain that accompanies that knowledge.

I have asked her to go to counseling. She has done so, twice. She has seen her therapist for two sessions, one month apart. Her therapist is now on maternity leave for at least six weeks. She will likely read this and interpret my stating that as saying what she is doing isn’t good enough. I’m not. Kind of. It ISN’T good enough if she wants to recover. It’s good enough for me because that’s what she has been capable of.

Yesterday, I asked her, “What are you willing to do to work on our marriage?”
Right now, nothing.

Those words were like arrows to my soul.

You’re ready to work, you’re ready to move on. I’m not. Why do I have to work on YOUR timeline?
“Because my time on earth is short. I don’t think I have much time left and I’d REALLY like to spend my remaining years with some semblance of happiness.”

Let me explain:
I have a fairly severe kidney issue. I have Chronic Kidney Disease. Out of five stages, I’m between stage three and four. Stage four is where dialysis begins and you’re put on the transplant list.

She tells me I don’t know what I’m talking about and to not self-diagnose. Numbers don’t lie and my kidneys have bad numbers. So there’s not much of a mystery of what’s going to happen.

I’m trying real hard to tie up loose ends while I can so I can live with a purpose beyond getting better.

The road to hell, as they say, is paved with good intentions.