To Post Or

This post is from my crazy Borderline daily diary thing I have to keep. I had previously had a habit of posting these, but I learned that some things are best kept private. And yes, it DID take me right at 11 months to realize that.

I debated whether or not I was going to share this little nugget or not. I don’t speak/think negatively of anyone. My worry is that I’ll be viewed as someone that is offended by EVERYTHING that is said to me.

I’m not.
That’s nowhere near the case.
What I AM is a person that feels like he is dismissed by virtually everyone he comes in contact with. Family, friends, acquaintances, therapists, my children and even my spouse.

One could say I’ve had a lifetime of experience when it comes to being dismissed. It’s like art. I can’t explain it, but I sure as hell know it when I see it.

But I digress…
Behold! The post I intended on putting up earlier. May it richly bless you 😋

It was a half and half day. School was tremendous. At our son’s game, I had several issues. Loud mommas were triggering me right and left. As halftime was ending, I looked to My Wife and told her I wanted to move.
Why do you always want to move!?

I sat there for a moment, REALLY surprised she had said that. First- she knows exactly why I want to move. Second- her father has the exact issue.

I sat a moment longer and finally addressed her.
“Would you ask that of your father?”
No, if he wanted to move, he would just move. But if you want to move you expect me to move too. I don’t want to move.

I sat another moment or two, got up and moved. I no longer had to listen to loud, invalidating mommas and I wasn’t getting pissed off at My Wife.

I wasn’t asking her to move necessarily. I suppose I WAS hinting at it. There was a time on our past that she would have jumped up and moved with me. But I know that time is long gone.

I wasn’t really upset by the part that she didn’t want to move. I understand that. I guess. I’d understand more had she been socializing with the people around us, I guess she was comfortable.

It was the in your face, immediate questioning that took me off guard.
Why do you always want to move!?

My feelings and triggers that come along with these women yelling aren’t a secret. My Wife and I have had several chats about the situation.

My mind, being what it is, goes to work (read- overdrive).
Is this response due to her stress?
Is she upset with me?
Have I wronged her somehow?
Was I rude to her?
Did I dismiss her somehow?

On and on it goes.

“In this moment, I’m ok” was repeated in my mind as nauseam. It settled me down some.

I still have some thoughts though.

I have work to do.

About MyJourney

I'm a 41 year old married father of 3. I am a sex addict. This blog is to document my progress, recovery and marital growth. Pornography is an evil creation. Let my experiences serve as a warning to all.
This entry was posted in Lesson, Mental Health, Progress, Recovery, Therapy and tagged , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

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