“I take Your presence to shield me from my lust.” ‘But I have to take up that shield! I have to turn to Him for refuge.’
-Sexaholics Anonymous White Book
“Since I had shut myself up to my spouse as the only sexual expression, I discovered, in taking my own inventory, that my dependency on her was unhealthy.
Afterward I concluded that I was willing to forgo sex completely as long as my dependency was still infected.
As a result, I abstained sexually for a considerable time, with her permission, so I could deal with my dependency.”
-Sexaholics Anonymous White Book
Here’s where the rubber meets the road. It appears I was wrong.
Everybody was telling me that sex is not a need. I didn’t believe them. I understood what they were saying: it’s a desire; a damned strong desire. Not a need.
This past April, I went through outpatient group therapy. The therapist had a chart she had made on her white board.
It’s not like I was saying sex was a need out of sheer arrogance. I was putting earlier therapy into practice.
That information was wrong.
I have discovered a life-altering truism. I had transferred my addiction to porn over to my wife. “Baby, I neeeeed your lovin’. I’m dying without it.”
She would give into that pressure many times. And she hated it. She already hates sex. Now her husband, addicted to sex, is pressuring her to do what she hates. Dude…
I was medicating by USING my wife.
And another problem- when she wouldn’t give into my pressure, I’d go beat off to the saucy pictures she had made for me.
Enter the Good Doctor.
“I’m recommending 90 days abstinence. This will reset your mind toward sex as well as hers. It will also probably take care of her aversion to your privates.”
I agreed to the 90 days
abstinence celibacy. I have no doubt about what this truly is. I announced my intentions to my wife.
There is no doubt in my mind that she will “help” me pursue this 90 days where she is concerned. Meaning- she ain’t giving it up. This is an answered prayer for her. In concerned about me. I’m worried about taking care of business when I’m alone. I’m not what one would call experienced when it comes to celibacy. I’m also less than excited about this endeavor.
It is precisely because I do t want to do this that I’m willing to do it. The Good Doctor had asked, “how have things been going as you work your own plan and decisions?”
“So maybe you need to change your thinking patterns? Let me help you with that.”
Here I am. I’m attempting to trust 2 people. I’m choosing to believe my wife. And I’m choosing to, attempt, put my therapist’s advice into action.
I’m going against my natural instincts. Whatever my gut tells me to do, I’m going opposite. My wife called it self-reverse psychology. I’m going with The Costanza Principle.
So I have gone from porn addiction to wife-relations addiction. Nice. Interestingly enough, the last time I viewed porn, zero arousal. Nada. Zip. Zilch. My little fella had nothing to say about it.
I do not want to go “considerable time” without sexual intimacy with my bride. I know she does, but the thought kills me. I’m doing it anyway.
Yay me!! (Barf)
This brings me to the initial quote.
“I take Your presence to shield me from my lust.” ‘But I have to take up that shield! I have to turn to Him.
I have always been a rejector of God’s love. I know He has a desire for a relationship with me. I know that I’m supposed to have that desire for Him. I haven’t and I still don’t. However, I am unable to get very far in this adventure without help. I don’t think my sponsor or therapist will cut the mustard. And I don’t think my wife can do it either.
It has become time for me to actually put this Christianity thing to the test. I’m throwing the single most important thing in my life aside. I am unable to navigate this trip on my own. I cannot ask anyone else to drive the bus either. I have to actually give control of something important over to God.
Do I trust Him?
I know I should though.
Much like my wife, who has never given me a reason to not trust her, the same goes for God.
I have chosen to trust my wife (a little).
I have chosen to trust my therapist (a little).
I am now choosing to trust God.
Since everything else has failed, it won’t hurt anything to try something new. I’m picking up the shield.