That’s how I feel most of the time when I’m with her. I’m either crazy in love or crazy with frustration.
Last night I thought our heads were near implosion. This morning, we hugged and kissed as I left for work.
Here’s the breakdown:
I come up to her, grab her around the waist and kiss her. Firmly. She engaged! We kiss for a moment and she pushes away. A push away is her signal that things are going too far.
“Was that a push away or an ‘I have to get ready’ move?”
I guess I was afraid you were trying to see how far you could go.
“It’s kinda funny, we both have problems here. Neither one of us knows the intentions of the other.”
We kissed again and I went to work.
I hit her with several “I love you” type texts. “We get to try again today” stands out in my mind.
And she was receptive!!
It’s just an issue of building trust. She clearly doesn’t trust me. Even if my shitty behavior weren’t involved, she can’t trust me. My emotions are an absurd roller coaster and she’s along for the nightmarish ride. So she can’t trust me to provide a stable platform for us to build from.
That kind of thing is a kick to the boys. I can make every effort possible and my mental condition prohibits a trusting relationship.
I wonder if ECT is right for me?
That’s another thing…if I truly thought that would help, sign my ass up!
I think this goes back to the fact I’m seriously injured whenever I’m told, “you’re sick.” I am sick. But I don’t want to accept it.
How can my bride, with full knowledge of my past and with full knowledge of my mental state, desire a relationship with me? It makes zero sense.
Here’s where I was getting into trouble. This is where I would normally discuss her obvious need to divorce me. And that is offensive to her and is hurtful. We discussed this. “I’m not leaving you. You’re stuck with me” is a common theme.
THAT is where I must begin trusting her. She has always done what she said she would do. All behavioral evidence she has provided show that she is working her ass off to build our marriage. She has NEVER given me reason to doubt her. Yet I do.
I told her, last night, that I would do everything in my power to accept what she says as truth. I started working on it as the words left my mouth.
She isn’t going anywhere (barring outrageous stupidity on my part).
So here’s to you, Baby-Doll. I believe you. We are in this fight, together.
Now let’s go kick some ass.