I sent word, via text, to My Bride that I have given myself the arbitrary deadline of October 31 to see some sort of improvement or I will leave her.
If I cannot see some improvement, no matter how small, I feel I must remove myself from our family so I can no longer perpetuate the damage I am causing you and the kids. It is not something that I want to do, it is something I feel is a responsibility. The mental and emotional needs of my family outweigh my personal needs. The outcome I desire is happiness for you and for me. If I cannot have it, maybe you can. And if that means I have to leave, I have to leave. I think THAT’S what I was getting at yesterday when I said I wish I could just erase myself from life. If I remove myself from the lives of our family, I remove the source of your pain and suffering. Just understand, I do not WANT that outcome. I am desperate to get better, improve, grow, heal and realize those dreams we had. I WANT to grow old with you. I WANT to welcome our grandkids for thanksgiving and Christmas. I WANT to get lost in a cabin in the woods with you. I WANT to sit in our matching recliners as we watch the weather channel together in our underwear. But, first and foremost, I WANT you, My Bride, the live of my life and the object of my desire and the ONE thing I find good and decent in this horrible world, I want you to be happy. Whatever I have to do to make that a reality is what I’ll do. I can never apologize enough for my actions. Most, if not all of the time, I don’t know what’s going on until after the damage is done. But that’s not an excuse. I DID the damage. I have to live with, own, accept and deal with the consequences. I’ve said it several times in the past weeks: I’m living in my own mental prison and I’m so desperate to break free. I don’t know how. My family can’t help. My Bride can’t help me. Nobody understands what a living hell it is. You all understand what it is to be around me, but you don’t understand what it is to know you’re the one CAUSING the pain and suffering. I’m so sorry.
The thoughts in that message are heartbreaking to me. I have caused so much mental damage to My Bride and, as a result, our kids, that I KNOW she sees that as a relief.
I KNOW that she wants relief. I know she wants peace. I know she wants happiness. I know she is agitated when I come around. I know she doesn’t know who or what to expect when she sees me everyday.
Is he happy, sad, angry, vindictive or out to prove everyone wrong? Is he a combination of those? How many of those personas will he go through today?
What a shitty existence for her.
It’s not fair that she be made to go through all of that on a day basis. Since there’s ONE PRRSON that CAN take charge and remedy the situation, he needs to step to the plate and make it happen.
I’m giving myself to the end of the October to see if I can rise to the challenge or if I fail again.
I’m tired of failing.
My life is full of failure.
I can point to ANY portion of my life and rattle off a very lengthy list of failures and there’s usually nothing that jumps to mind as a counterbalance in regard to success.
All of these are easy areas in which to point to my ever growing list of failures.
I’ll be damned if I’m going to allow my mental illness to sink My Bride or our children any further.