Not Her Fault, I’m Near My End

I cannot come close to beginning ANY of the skills or techniques I’m supposed to be working on. I’m incredibly worked up and pissed off.

There are times that I’m seized with anger while others I’m frozen by sorrow and pain.

I feel abandoned by all, yet I know that I’m alienating myself by the comments and actions I take.

I struck out at my family…MY FAMILY…today for not surrounding me with love, acceptance and support.
Why would I DO that?
Those are behaviors they’ve NEVER displayed.

Afterward, I lashed out at my wife because she reads my blog. A commenter that she says, “totally understands” her stated:

She is being manipulative by reading it and being upset by it. She is pain-shopping and looking for justification for the way she treats you. She seems to want to keep you on the back of your heels so that it makes things comfortable for her. If you are/were changing the dance and she can’t keep up, it swings the balance away from her. You don’t have to make sure she’s ok. If you decide to keep this blog the way it is and she decides to read it, YOU DON’T HAVE TO DEFEND YOURSELF. If she wants to push you and pick on you, you have every right to tell her that you don’t appreciate being treated that manner. YOU HAVE TO TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF. It can and will be bloody hard, but at some point, you have to regain your self-esteem and self-worth. Yes, you did some terrible things, but you have admitted it, owned it and are attempting to work on it, but you can only take care of yourself. If she doesn’t want to recognize it or wants to play games and attack you for it, walk away.

I agree on all points.

Knowing my wife reads the blog, I asked if she had read the comment. She had. “Any thoughts?”
None, I don’t comment on your blog anymore. No exceptions.”

I’m happy for you to get to type freely.
“I thought her comments were spot on.”
I’m sure you do. So when are you leaving me? Is that spot on?
“Pain shopping and manipulative. Looking to justify your treatment of me.”
Have you not damaged enough relationships today? Now it’s my turn?
“My point for bringing it up was I’m moving the blog. I will be unfathomably hurt if you follow to its new place. I have asked you repeatedly to stay away from it and you do not give me that respect. I am then forced to move it in such a way that I have to be either devious or leave myself open to the hurt. So I have to move it to a new address and try to hide it from you. That puts me in a really bad position.”
Now I’ll just wonder how badly I’m being trashed and my private life put out there for strangers to be entertained with. Probably for the best.
“It’s none of your business what others think of you. There are ways to avoid all of this. Again though, you’re pain shopping.”
I don’t have to shop for papa.
“For some reason you keep hitting that website that’s not meant to keep you happy.”
To find out what parts of my private life are being publicized and how I’m being trashed. It’s to know reality.
“Here’s how to find out…
Walk in to the room
Sit next to me
Initiate conversation
Continue conversation.”
It’s not a conversation. I tried that Sunday. That failed miserably.
“This is another reason why I KNOW I’m a burden.”
Quit feeling sorry for yourself.
“Don’t tell me how to feel about myself. You don’t know shit about what’s going on in this head of mine. You need to stay the fuck out unless you’re planning on getting your hands dirty and helping out. Otherwise, piss off.”
Yeah, I haven’t been there helping you at all.

And there’s a big painful gut punch to me. I’ve been helping you all this time or Nobody has stood by you when I would.
I guess, maybe.
But that entire time I have been PAINFULLY aware that her “standing by me” or “being there” for me has been only out of duty. It’s not because she loves me or feels any desire to have a relationship with me. It’s because I’m the father to her kids and they need a father.

Now that last part may or may not be true. I have NO idea. That is certainly how I perceive the situation though. Based on my last 18 months, I think I have a pretty solid grasp of what’s going on now.
I am the duty she dreads everyday.

She gets up every morning, gets ready for work, says as little as possible to me and, when I press the issue, MIGHT fulfill her widely duty of giving me a goodbye kiss peck. If I’m living right and the stars line up, I MIGHT even con a hug out of the deal too. When she gets home there MIGHT be 3-4 extraneous sentences in the hours we are together before she goes off to bed without telling me (90% of the time). During the weekends, when we are forced to see one another more than 3 collective hours, she spends as much time as possible doing work. It appears she does any and everything to avoid spending time with me.

Blame Game
I am to blame for her attitude. My wife, while not the PARAGON of virtue and human perfection, is a very good example of them. She truly is the best person I’ve even known and likely ever will know. So for her to display THOSE behaviors, there is an immense pattern of behavior/activity in her life stimulating them. Those reactions and comments are NOT of her personality.

You’re entire blog is about me and bitching about me.
It didn’t used to be.
It started about me but it evolved into me venting the frustrations of my personal life. I don’t have friends, so I can’t go to them, and if I did, what a buzzkill I’d be. I see a therapist and they have all (4 in the past year) told me to continue what I’m doing and yes, they gave all read the blog (except the marriage counselor). “That blog is a PERFECT outlet for getting your thoughts and emotions off your chest.”
The fact my blog turned into Wife-Bitchfest is disgusting to me.

If You Love Me Like You Say You Do, Why Are You So Mean And Hateful On Your Blog?
I don’t know how to deal with my own issues appropriately. My wife is the very picture of everything good and decent in this world to me. Yet, when our marriage is in the shitter, she’s also the embodiment of everything wrong in my life.

As it stands, right now, my wife is 2 people to me. She is all good and all bad. Depending on the situation, my outlook on her shifts and it shifts at an alarmingly rapid rate.

When life is going well, she is the Angel of God.
When life is difficult…she is NOT that angel.

I suppose one could call this a psychotic state that we GET to enjoy.

Our former marriage counselor stated I need to decide who my wife is: My enemy or my friend.
Back then, on April 40, I chose her to be my friend, but then again, the next week (May 5) she kicked me out of the house. So there is that still rolling about my mind.

After 41 years, I’m attempting to accept established mores. Yet they don’t EXIST in my life.

My reactions to being rocked about by emotion is wholly inappropriate; angry and vicious. Many times I strike out and TRY to hurt others. Not physically, but most certainly emotionally. Not just my wife…ANYONE who happens to come within my circle of influence.

THAT, dear reader, is a frightening self-admission.

This is a problem and it must be dealt with. This line of thinking cannot go further. This is a path to utter doom. I love my wife and o love my family. WHATEVER needs to be done to extinguish this path will be done. I will not continue this.

I will be leaving my wife in the next 3-4 weeks if I cannot get this under control. Not because I want to (to be alone and without my family is a fate worse than death to me). No, because I’m exquisitely aware of what a burden I have become on her mentally, financially and emotionally. I am no longer willing to sit by and allow MY mental illness to further drag her into the gutter of despair that I KNOW she is in. THAT has to be stopped immediately. I will NOT allow myself to injure my wife any further.

I would MUCH rather see her POSSIBLY cry a little over our marriage ending than see her come home in a zombie state everyday because she knows what she’s coming home to.

She doesn’t want to be with me anymore and I don’t blame her.

I don’t want to be with me either. I texted this to her earlier today: “If there were a way for me to simply erase myself or disappear, I’d do it in a second.”
I’ve caused enough pain, trouble and heartache for one lifetime. It’s time to let these good people move on with their lives uninterrupted.

So I’m giving myself to the end of October to have DONE type of handle on the situation. ANY kind of improvement will kill my plan. My oldest son turns 20 next month. I’ll know by then if I’ll be around still by then or not.

About MyJourney

I'm a 41 year old married father of 3. I am a sex addict. This blog is to document my progress, recovery and marital growth. Pornography is an evil creation. Let my experiences serve as a warning to all.
This entry was posted in Discovery, emotion, Mental Health, Mental Illness, Relationship and tagged , , . Bookmark the permalink.

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