Meandering, Blind, Clueless And Proud

Yesterday I received a lengthy comment griping me out. I’m not going to post much of it but I will give you a link to the post in case you’d like to see it. I responded to the comment to the best of my ability. I asked some related questions that have yet to be answered.

I asked My Bride to read the comment and tell me what she thought. I agreed with 100% of what she said and your response was very defensive. Since that interaction, I asked My Bride similar questions to what I asked the commentator. She didn’t answer me either. Last night, after she had gone to sleep, I sent her the questions in a text message.

“I need some clarification please. You said that you agreed 100% with that lady’s comment. Of kind of like us to go over it do I can learn from it. What specifically did you agree with? What have I done to cause problems described in the comment? Over sharing? Am I not supposed to talk to you about my feelings and fears like she said? On boundaries, she said neither of us are sticking to them. How do we fix that? I don’t have any clue about any of these things. I’m flying blind with no foreseeable direction other than to not bug you. But I don’t even know what that means.”

This morning we did a brief chat and I asked her if she had seen my questions.
Yes but I’m not sure I have answers
How do I react to that? What the heck am I supposed to do? After more than 6 months of trying to find out what I’m supposed to do or, more to the point, NOT do, she still has no answers for me.

I’m told to give her time and to work on me. I kind of need to know what it is I need to work on before I can work on it.
‘Hey, get to work!’
“What am I supposed to do?”
‘I don’t know, but you’d better leave me alone and get busy doing it”

The following is what HAS to be our plan
Separate
She works on her
I ask what I’m supposed to work on
No answer is give
5. ??????????????????????
6. Everything is better

I eventually voiced some pretty strong frustration.
“What about talking to you about feelings and fears? Am I supposed to go someplace else for that?”
I don’t know. Probably not to me alone. I’m going out on the boat to work on me like on supposed to. I’m not taking my phone on the boat.
“Then to whom am I supposed to talk to?”
I don’t know. Probably not me alone
“Understand that I’ve been told to NOT share my emotions and fears with you. But you’re the one person I’m SUPPOSED to do that with. So is marriage redefined? We share everything but my feelings, emotions and fears? Where does that end? Are we forever only concerned with your feelings, emotions and fears? Do I ever receive consideration again?”
This is during the separation. Not forever.

THAT pissed me off. There has NEVER been any mention of this crap being just for the separation. So here I am, in redo my frustrated and I e just been told all of these things we’ve been told to do is just temporary. I don’t believe that for a second. I’ve been trying to get the rules for 6 months and I’m going to get them all of a sudden when separation is over? Or does that mean I’m never getting the rules and I just have to deal with it until separation is over?

Both scenarios suck.

“If she wants time, you give it to her no questions asked.”
Yeah, I’m calling bullshit on that. She is not my master, she is not in authority over me. Well, she is right now, but it’s not ever supposed to work like that. I have every right to ask questions. We are married which means equal partnership. That means we BOTH have a say in what happens.
I have not been afforded that right.
Get out, go away and you do to come home until I’m ready for it.
Those weren’t the words used, nothing was said other than she would sign divorce papers if they were presented. The “you aren’t coming back until I’m ready” wasn’t said that way exactly, but it was said.

She eventually said that our conversation was unproductive and a waste of time. THAT is kind of hurtful. Just because she sees it as unproductive does not make it so. I actually got a lot out of it. And a waste of time? Again, that conversation HELPED me, that is not a waste of time. This reminds of of our last argument when I was still at home. I said it was a stupid fight and no big deal. <em<It wasn't a big deal to you. How does this work? If one of us thinks we’re wasting time or being unproductive we just bail out of it? Do we both have to agree a conversation is worthy of our time and effort? Yet another thing I don’t understand.

She ended up pissed off and brought the conversation to a halt with, Signing off…have a great day! It was abrupt but the responsible thing to do.

I am very proud of her specifically for realizing we were on the road to a potentially bad conversation and put the brakes on. I’m proud of myself for not pursuing the crappy conversation. I’m proud of us for having an uncomfortable conversation in a very peaceful manner.

We made progress this morning. I found out today that we aren’t supposed to be working on us at all. I don’t know what to make of that. Here we are, separated due to marital problems, but we aren’t supposed to work on them. Makes sense to me…Of course, nothing we’re experiencing makes any sense to me, so what’s new.

The biggest lesson of today, this is all temporary and only meant for the separation. My brother said he thought that went without being said. I like to think of myself as a relatively bright guy. Sometimes, especially when emotion is involved, I have enormous blind spots and we found one today. I had a huge realization today. I’m just upset everyone else knew what was up and I had no clue.

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About MyJourney

I'm a 41 year old married father of 3. I am a sex addict. This blog is to document my progress, recovery and marital growth. Pornography is an evil creation. Let my experiences serve as a warning to all.
This entry was posted in emotion, Lesson, Relationship and tagged , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

3 Responses to Meandering, Blind, Clueless And Proud

  1. I can totally understand your desire for someone to tell you exactly what to do to get better; however no one can tell you exactly what to do to work on you. I wanted to know what steps I had to take to fix my husband. But the truth is, I did them all and then some and he still acts out. I had to give up control of him (I didn’t have it anyway), I had to give up my marriage (neither of us were healthy enough for a partnership). I had to look hard at myself – why did I do the things I do. Through a bunch of therapy, writing, meetings, talking with other people, I found out that these things go much deeper than my current relationship. It took you many many many years to get to where you are, so it will take that long to fix. I can understand that being patient is difficult, but if you do the work, it will be worth it. There is no “quick fix” to any of this.

    I would offer advice to start working the 12 Steps. They are a framework for recovery and may help you to figure out your own path. “A Gentle Guide to the 12 Steps” may be helpful if you are not in a 12 step program. “The Artist’s Way” is also another book that has helped several people I know in recovery. It isn’t only for artists. It can help refocus your thinking, opening you up for more spiritual growth.

    The oversharing… She should not be the one to hear your fears and extreme emotions – not now. That should be someone else, a program person, a pastor, someone that knows what is going on. She needs to be free from that so that she can figure out what she is feeling. By constantly expressing them to her, she is caught in a position of trying to make you feel better without being true to how she feels. She may feel forced back into a codependent place which is part of both or your old behaviors that have gotten you here. It is very difficult to tell your spouse that they should talk to someone else. I am finally able to do it with my husband when he asks me what he should do to stop his acting out. While comfort is a necessary part of a stable relationship, it is not where the two of you are yet. If you are fearful, write about it – try to figure out where it stems from. It will seem worse than it is, but take a few breaths, take a walk, lift a weight for a few seconds – SLOW DOWN. My mantra is “how important is it?” I understand that your marriage is one of the most important things to you but try to think about the long game. Is it worth asking your wife over and over again for answers she doesn’t have yet? If you wait a day or two or for however long it takes for her to figure out, could you possibly be showing her that you respect her and that you know what it is like to not have answers? It will take the pressure off of her to just answer with some half or no baked thought just to get you off her back, and that is disingenuous for both of you.

    Honestly, I think about your situation probably more than I should. I sometimes feel bad about being a hardass, but I want you to succeed. You both deserve a strong, loving, supportive, equal relationship.

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