Yesterday I received a lengthy comment griping me out. I’m not going to post much of it but I will give you a link to the post in case you’d like to see it. I responded to the comment to the best of my ability. I asked some related questions that have yet to be answered.
I asked My Bride to read the comment and tell me what she thought. I agreed with 100% of what she said and your response was very defensive. Since that interaction, I asked My Bride similar questions to what I asked the commentator. She didn’t answer me either. Last night, after she had gone to sleep, I sent her the questions in a text message.
“I need some clarification please. You said that you agreed 100% with that lady’s comment. Of kind of like us to go over it do I can learn from it. What specifically did you agree with? What have I done to cause problems described in the comment? Over sharing? Am I not supposed to talk to you about my feelings and fears like she said? On boundaries, she said neither of us are sticking to them. How do we fix that? I don’t have any clue about any of these things. I’m flying blind with no foreseeable direction other than to not bug you. But I don’t even know what that means.”
This morning we did a brief chat and I asked her if she had seen my questions.
Yes but I’m not sure I have answers
How do I react to that? What the heck am I supposed to do? After more than 6 months of trying to find out what I’m supposed to do or, more to the point, NOT do, she still has no answers for me.
I’m told to give her time and to work on me. I kind of need to know what it is I need to work on before I can work on it.
‘Hey, get to work!’
“What am I supposed to do?”
‘I don’t know, but you’d better leave me alone and get busy doing it”
The following is what HAS to be our plan
She works on her
I ask what I’m supposed to work on
No answer is give
6. Everything is better
I eventually voiced some pretty strong frustration.
“What about talking to you about feelings and fears? Am I supposed to go someplace else for that?”
I don’t know. Probably not to me alone. I’m going out on the boat to work on me like on supposed to. I’m not taking my phone on the boat.
“Then to whom am I supposed to talk to?”
I don’t know. Probably not me alone
“Understand that I’ve been told to NOT share my emotions and fears with you. But you’re the one person I’m SUPPOSED to do that with. So is marriage redefined? We share everything but my feelings, emotions and fears? Where does that end? Are we forever only concerned with your feelings, emotions and fears? Do I ever receive consideration again?”
This is during the separation. Not forever.
THAT pissed me off. There has NEVER been any mention of this crap being just for the separation. So here I am, in redo my frustrated and I e just been told all of these things we’ve been told to do is just temporary. I don’t believe that for a second. I’ve been trying to get the rules for 6 months and I’m going to get them all of a sudden when separation is over? Or does that mean I’m never getting the rules and I just have to deal with it until separation is over?
Both scenarios suck.
“If she wants time, you give it to her no questions asked.”
Yeah, I’m calling bullshit on that. She is not my master, she is not in authority over me. Well, she is right now, but it’s not ever supposed to work like that. I have every right to ask questions. We are married which means equal partnership. That means we BOTH have a say in what happens.
I have not been afforded that right.
Get out, go away and you do to come home until I’m ready for it.
Those weren’t the words used, nothing was said other than she would sign divorce papers if they were presented. The “you aren’t coming back until I’m ready” wasn’t said that way exactly, but it was said.
She eventually said that our conversation was unproductive and a waste of time. THAT is kind of hurtful. Just because she sees it as unproductive does not make it so. I actually got a lot out of it. And a waste of time? Again, that conversation HELPED me, that is not a waste of time. This reminds of of our last argument when I was still at home. I said it was a stupid fight and no big deal. <em<It wasn't a big deal to you. How does this work? If one of us thinks we’re wasting time or being unproductive we just bail out of it? Do we both have to agree a conversation is worthy of our time and effort? Yet another thing I don’t understand.
She ended up pissed off and brought the conversation to a halt with, Signing off…have a great day! It was abrupt but the responsible thing to do.
I am very proud of her specifically for realizing we were on the road to a potentially bad conversation and put the brakes on. I’m proud of myself for not pursuing the crappy conversation. I’m proud of us for having an uncomfortable conversation in a very peaceful manner.
We made progress this morning. I found out today that we aren’t supposed to be working on us at all. I don’t know what to make of that. Here we are, separated due to marital problems, but we aren’t supposed to work on them. Makes sense to me…Of course, nothing we’re experiencing makes any sense to me, so what’s new.
The biggest lesson of today, this is all temporary and only meant for the separation. My brother said he thought that went without being said. I like to think of myself as a relatively bright guy. Sometimes, especially when emotion is involved, I have enormous blind spots and we found one today. I had a huge realization today. I’m just upset everyone else knew what was up and I had no clue.