I Don’t Think That

For the record. I don’t see crying as a sign of weakness nor does it cause you to lose my respect.
-My Bride

I had an incredibly tough start to my day. Therapy, which I generally love, has been kicking my arse the last 2 sessions. Interestingly enough, that’s precisely why I wanted to go with a new therapist, the old guy wasn’t challenging me enough. Therapist, who was recommended by our former marriage counselor, doesn’t allow me to bully the conversation. That challenges me, puts me on my heels and that makes me have to think much harder. Her directness forces me to actually confronting my issues.

After therapy I ran by the house to drop some things off and pick something up. My Bride and I ended up having a deep conversation. That conversation led to a melt down like I haven’t had since she told me to pack up and leave. Part of my melt down was her confronting me on my mental inconsistencies.

I had mentioned feeling completely out of the loop with decision making on our separation. What do you want? “I want to have some kind of voice in the decisions. I didn’t get that when we began our separation. We fell apart in counseling and when I got home I was made to leave. Nobody asked me anything. I was basically told to get out.” The biggest problem here, irrespective of my input, I ain’t coming home until she’s ready. My input will be a waste of time.

I think what hurt the most was when she said she felt enormous pressure from me to end the separation. I spent the first 2 weeks getting over the sadness. I’m just now starting to unwind. I GET what she’s saying, but it’s not like I haven’t been pressured either. My Bride saying, in essence, ‘Get out’ brings along a tiny bit of pressure. Her telling me she needs more time also brings a touch of pressure.

What set things off this morning was me telling her that I was injured when she said she needed more time. I don’t think it’s that she needs the time, it’s that she said it 2 weeks before we agreed to reassess our situation. Being the legalistic guy I am, her setting our agreement to the side 2 weeks in advance had a major affect on me. I just wanted to wait until June 6, like we agreed, to let that be known. What’s wrong with me saying it early? I can see that it’s what I need already. I thought you’d appreciate me being straight with you. I just wanted us to stick to the plan.

We turned then to how I set the ground ruled for the period of time we’d be apart. It’s just that you TOLD me when we would be back together. Theres a bit of irony there. She told me when it begins, but I can’t say when it ends. Truthfully I just picked a number out of the air for evaluation. It happened as she was giving me the boot. I thought she was divorcing me, because that’s what she told me, and I was desperate to get her to put that decision off for as long as I thought she’d be able to. That amount of time was a month. I made the suggestion and she agreed. Now it’s a problem.

I was just trying to do what I thought was best for us at the time.

As our conversation progressed, I went further and further downhill. I cried and cried, regular tears at first at the beginning. She asked if I slept last night. I said I did, because I did, but neglected to add that it was past 3AM when it finally happened. As she told me how inconsistent I was being (don’t tell me X, tell me X), I entered a full-blown breakdown.

It became pretty clear that it was time for me to go. That’s probably due up her saying, You need to go ahead and go. I looked at her and went in for the kiss. Then she hugged me. I totally fell apart. She caressed my back and then the back of my head. In return, I got her shirt wet with tears and snot bubbles. She kissed my forehead and I lost it again. Ugh…

Afterward, I write a post that addressed how inthought she saw me whenever I cry on front of her. I thought that she loses respect because I’m being weak. I guess I was wrong in a pretty big way.

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About MyJourney

I'm a 41 year old married father of 3. I am a sex addict. This blog is to document my progress, recovery and marital growth. Pornography is an evil creation. Let my experiences serve as a warning to all.
This entry was posted in Depression, emotion, Healing, Marriage Issues, Obsession, Progress, Relationship and tagged , , . Bookmark the permalink.

4 Responses to I Don’t Think That

  1. I am going to be a hard-ass again, but I would advise you to back off of her. No wonder she doesn’t know what she needs and feels smothered because she has you always pestering her for answers that she doesn’t have. I would love to see you write a post where you don’t mention her, or what she thinks, or what she feels, or what she needs. YOU CAN’T KNOW THAT – you aren’t her and she isn’t you.

    Another thing about separation – it is always open to negotiation. If she needs more time, then respect her and give it to her without questioning her a million times about it. If neither of you hold your boundaries about anything, you will likely never have a satisfying relationship. Give her a chance to develop into who she is meant to be. Develop your own friends, hobbies, interests so that you can compliment each other, not be the same person. It would be advisable to take your strong emotions and fears to someone other than her. Talk to program people, church people, whoever else you trust (not your wife).

    I said it before, but set and hold boundaries, both of you. Boundaries reflect self-esteem and self-worth and respect. If either of you aren’t keeping boundaries, why are you even bothering being separated? I can totally understand how hard it is, but is the hard work now worth a solid relationship later? The co-dependence is staggering and there is something about over-sharing with your spouse in early recovery.

    Also, your input in the situation is valuable, but only if you are coming from a place of strength and peace. If you are just wanted to go home because you are scared or sad or lonely, you can and likely will be all of those things in the house.

    Are you reading any Patrick Carnes books or other recovery literature that isn’t religion-based? Have you sought out SA, SLAA, SAA meetings? In person or online or over the phone?

    • MyJourney says:

      Backing off, agreed.
      Codependent, understatement.
      Smothered, likely, probable. She has never been able to tell me what that means though. Point taken.
      Pestering, yep and I hate that can be said about me. In my defense, for what it’s worth, her asking for more time violated our agreement to evaluate in June. I know that I’m being petty and not picky, but there it is.
      Developing new friends hobbies and interests- you make it sound like I can just wave a wand and it happens. We DO share some interests and I’m not forsaking them.
      Taking my emotions elsewhere- are you suggesting that I should to confide in My Bride? She’s the one person on earth I’m supposed to go to and be most comfortable with confiding in. That’s the role we serve for each other.
      Boundaries- totally agree.
      Over sharing- I’m at a complete loss here. I have no idea what you’re referring to.
      I read out of the shadows by Patrick Carnes. It described me perfectly. I’ve read a few other things (sa white book) but I’m done with that. I’ve been told to STOP thinking about my situation.
      Meetings- I used to go to SA meetings but hated the group. We did not jive at all.

      I go to Celebrate Recovery and I’m very happy with the program and the fellowship.

      I agree with most of what you said. I do not agree with consulting non-religious materials. It is my spirituality that has kept me as same as I am, and that’s saying something.

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