For the record. I don’t see crying as a sign of weakness nor does it cause you to lose my respect.
I had an incredibly tough start to my day. Therapy, which I generally love, has been kicking my arse the last 2 sessions. Interestingly enough, that’s precisely why I wanted to go with a new therapist, the old guy wasn’t challenging me enough. Therapist, who was recommended by our former marriage counselor, doesn’t allow me to bully the conversation. That challenges me, puts me on my heels and that makes me have to think much harder. Her directness forces me to actually confronting my issues.
After therapy I ran by the house to drop some things off and pick something up. My Bride and I ended up having a deep conversation. That conversation led to a melt down like I haven’t had since she told me to pack up and leave. Part of my melt down was her confronting me on my mental inconsistencies.
I had mentioned feeling completely out of the loop with decision making on our separation. What do you want? “I want to have some kind of voice in the decisions. I didn’t get that when we began our separation. We fell apart in counseling and when I got home I was made to leave. Nobody asked me anything. I was basically told to get out.” The biggest problem here, irrespective of my input, I ain’t coming home until she’s ready. My input will be a waste of time.
I think what hurt the most was when she said she felt enormous pressure from me to end the separation. I spent the first 2 weeks getting over the sadness. I’m just now starting to unwind. I GET what she’s saying, but it’s not like I haven’t been pressured either. My Bride saying, in essence, ‘Get out’ brings along a tiny bit of pressure. Her telling me she needs more time also brings a touch of pressure.
What set things off this morning was me telling her that I was injured when she said she needed more time. I don’t think it’s that she needs the time, it’s that she said it 2 weeks before we agreed to reassess our situation. Being the legalistic guy I am, her setting our agreement to the side 2 weeks in advance had a major affect on me. I just wanted to wait until June 6, like we agreed, to let that be known. What’s wrong with me saying it early? I can see that it’s what I need already. I thought you’d appreciate me being straight with you. I just wanted us to stick to the plan.
We turned then to how I set the ground ruled for the period of time we’d be apart. It’s just that you TOLD me when we would be back together. Theres a bit of irony there. She told me when it begins, but I can’t say when it ends. Truthfully I just picked a number out of the air for evaluation. It happened as she was giving me the boot. I thought she was divorcing me, because that’s what she told me, and I was desperate to get her to put that decision off for as long as I thought she’d be able to. That amount of time was a month. I made the suggestion and she agreed. Now it’s a problem.
I was just trying to do what I thought was best for us at the time.
As our conversation progressed, I went further and further downhill. I cried and cried, regular tears at first at the beginning. She asked if I slept last night. I said I did, because I did, but neglected to add that it was past 3AM when it finally happened. As she told me how inconsistent I was being (don’t tell me X, tell me X), I entered a full-blown breakdown.
It became pretty clear that it was time for me to go. That’s probably due up her saying, You need to go ahead and go. I looked at her and went in for the kiss. Then she hugged me. I totally fell apart. She caressed my back and then the back of my head. In return, I got her shirt wet with tears and snot bubbles. She kissed my forehead and I lost it again. Ugh…
Afterward, I write a post that addressed how inthought she saw me whenever I cry on front of her. I thought that she loses respect because I’m being weak. I guess I was wrong in a pretty big way.