“Have you submitted to the process of reconciliation? Is it possible you are rebelling against the new authority in your life?
I was asked this question last night. I didn’t know what it meant, so, being the guy who thinks he’s smarter than everyone in the room, I ignored the question. I can answer that question now.
No, I have NOT submitted to the process of reconciliation. Yes, I am rebelling against the new authority structure in my life.
I’m allegedly on Step 4. I’m making my fearless inventory. The problem is, I haven come to terms with Step 1 yet.
AA Step 1
“We admitted we were powerless over alcohol and that our lives had become unmanageable.”
• I’ve admitted there’s a problem. I just haven’t done Jack-shit about it. I thought I could control this!! Yesterday proved me very wrong.
AA Step 2
“Came to believe that a power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity.”
• I’ve been denying God. “God doesn’t give a damn about me or my problems!” I was proven wrong again.
AA Step 3
“Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understand Him.
• And here is where I find myself. It has been 6 months since I allegedly began recovery. I still have not surrendered. I have pretended. I have faked it. I have said things I am supposed to say or what people want to hear. THIS is the process of reconciliation as I see it.
Yesterday has shown me I can no longer avoid this step.
AA Step 4
“Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves.”
Saying I’ve been half-adding this is a terrible thing to say about asses. I’ve done nothing.
The remaining steps seem to be pretty easy. Of course, that’s what I said about all 12, so keep that in mind.
I guess this is what is meant by “working” the steps. I know them. I know what they’re for.
So do something about them.
For me to recover, I have to discard my denial. I have to come to terms with reality.
I have been dragging my family through 6 months of 12Step Fail.
I won’t make any excuses, it does no good.
I won’t dwell on it any longer. It won’t do no good neither.
poor engrish used on porpoise
That’s another lesson.
Therapist tells me to take baby steps.
I think I just took one.