Sometimes I wonder if we’d be better friends if we were divorced. All we do know is fight.
I made one of my more colossal fuck ups yesterday. I told My Bride I wanted a divorce because she wouldn’t do stuff with me.
Think on that…
Because she wouldn’t change her plans and do what I asked, I told her I was done and wanted a divorce.
I slammed around, packed my shit, told her to fuck off and left.
I wrote 4 posts bitching about her. I called her toxic to me. TOXIC!
That woman is the best person in my world. I called the love of my life, the mother of my children and the ONLY person on my side to conquer my shit…I told her to fuck off and called her toxic.
4 hours later I came begging and crawling back.
She wasn’t her usual, We’ll get through this together! self this time.
I asked her to take me back.
You left me.
I need to hear you say something positive.
I don’t have anything to say.
Will you talk to me?
Not right now.
Yesterday I learned she doesn’t need me. She thought we were divorcing and had begun to plan accordingly.
I also learned that I have to be careful with threats. She was taking me up on it that time. I am POSITIVE there won’t be a next time. I won’t be able to just waltz in and try to work through things.
I sent her no less than 7 texts begging her to take me back.
“I’m committed now
I want to fight for you, not against you
I now know how I messed up
This can be the worst day of my life or the best day of our lives.”
I truly meant all of those things. But I also knew I had better humble myself in a major way or we were done for.
She didn’t answer for a very long time. I eventually begged for an answer. I don’t have anything to say.
Huge tears raced down my face. I was hyperventilating. I had finally done it. I had driven her away. One of my biggest fears was being realized and I was the culprit.
I humbled myself as much as I knew how. I would try to explain something only to have her SHARPLY cut me off and tell me how it was. My instinct was to snap back, I almost did a couple of times, but I caught myself each time. I think I did Steph least.
We ended up having a powerful discussion. I cried and she ran the show. Our roles have reversed.
This morning I watched a lecture over the narcissist who becomes codependent. This happens frequently. The afflicted partner gets fed up and initiates break up behaviors (I forced her into that by my actions). Realizing what the narcissist has done he has to do whatever it takes to keep his relationship. The power in the relationship come tell flips to the other extreme.
Longer have the right, ability or capacity to control our relationship. That option was killed yesterday. That’s cool. She’s a better leader anyway. And by it’s cool I mean WHAT THE FUCK MAN!?
Since she truly IS a better leader, this power change will probably be a good thing.
I spent my night trying to stay out of her way. I would occasionally say something but that was about it. That was until I became super pissed.
I went on a rant against God like I haven’t in quite some time. It was really bad and I think it hurt My Bride’s feelings.
Then I put it on my recovery twitter account.
Then I started bad mouthing other twitter posts. “God is….”
I’d respond with atheistic responses.
One guy, 1 guy read my statement and saw my #help hashtag. That guy took the time to engage me.
We DM’d for over an hour. We’re going to talk on the phone today.
During that time, My Bride brought up an inconvenient truth. When things go to shit, I talk about my poor walk with God during that time.
Geeez, thanks for reality.,.
“Ok, I’ll hook back up with the guy I talked to in January.
Didn’t that just make you mad?
Yeah..I’ll contact a bunch of churches ands see what comes back.
1 email 20 minutes after it sent.
“I want you to get in this group..,”
No thanks, like my email said, I need a one on one.
“Then we can’t really do anything got you.”
I hooked up with my old pastor. He shares much of my story.
Ding Ding Ding!
Here I am, sitting in his church waiting to talk to him. I desperately want this to work for me. I need a connection with someone. I need to be able to talk to MEN about these things.
2 pains to end with. Last night My Bride found out I had lost my sobriety. I hadn’t been hiding it, but she hasn’t asked in 3 months. This morning she walked in as I was doing the five finger shuffle.
Not the best timing for those to happen.
I need to bring home something positive or I’ll feel like a failure.