That Part Is Dead

That’s what her therapist says she has.
I have been reading a lot of books. Each and every one speaks about how the partner that was true almost always develops PTSD.

Trauma is the cause. Spousal betrayal is a very traumatic event. She spoke about how she knew it was going on. That there weren’t a lot of surprises. Maybe so. Hearing your suspicions confirmed sizes traumatic experience.

I was traumatized on September 20th when she revealed, “I don’t like sex, I don’t want to have it and I will not have it.” I had always known this was the case. But to actually hear those words was incredibly painful.

So it goes with my infidelity and her trauma.

She told her therapist about how feeling my privates when in bed makes her constantly remember the cheating. “That’s your trigger. He’s not going to like it, but the only thing that stops that is time between triggers.”

She is finally beginning to accept that this is a big fucking deal.

I told her that I would be pleasantly shocked if we had any type of sexual encounter between now and June. I also said I would be pleasantly surprised if we had an en encounter before Christmas 2014.
“Are you ok with that? Will you stay with me?”
I told you before, I am with you wether sex ever happens again or not.
“What will that do to you?”
I don’t know.

I find it CRAZY that she asked me if I would stay with her. What!? I betrayed her and she’s asking if I’m staying with her.

I don’t think we will ever be intimate, sexually, ever again. That part of our marriage is dead.

About MyJourney

I'm a 41 year old married father of 3. I am a sex addict. This blog is to document my progress, recovery and marital growth. Pornography is an evil creation. Let my experiences serve as a warning to all.
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4 Responses to That Part Is Dead

  1. chipgruver says:

    Reading your blog today, I’ve had an idea percolating.

    In his book Real Marriage, Mark Driscoll has my favorite chapter heading. It is called Friends, With Benefits. The idea is that married people should first be friends who then sleep together.

    By all your description, you and your wife are friends. It’s good that you talk so openly about all of your struggles and it sounds like she understands the degree you have to fight to overcome your addiction.

    What if, for one week, you did not pursue her sexually at all? You be her friend, hold her on the couch, and tell her you love her with an explicit plan that this will NOT lead to sexual touching. The way I think of it is to pretend she is your sister and not your wife. How would you support her and love her then?

    The reason this comes to mind is that I think it would be healing for her to have no expectation or hope of sex from you for the week. It would also be good for you to sacrifice this way for her. Remember that it is delightful to love. It seems burdensome, but it is really fulfilling. It truly is better to give then to receive.

    Of course, this is just a suggestion. I think it would serve both of you to try it.

    Sober for a week. You are doing better than the vast majority of American men already.


    • I cannot and will not pretend my wife is my sister. I comprehend what you’re trying to say, I just completely disagree with it.

      I agree that married people need to be friends before sexual contact. I don’t think that is an issue. We have always been friends. It’s just there haven’t been many benefits the last few years.

      Without reading Mr. Driscoll’s book, I’m very wary of his advice. Has he experienced addiction and/or infidelity? I have a very hard time taking that kind of advice from someone with no experience.

      I’m not trying to be a dick here, I’ve been hit by this kind of thing before. One pastor told me to pray more. “Make the Holy Spirit your focus and you’ll never go wrong.. ” and the. He prayed for me.

      I am a believer in Christ. That is not an issue. I think that what he was telling me won’t hurt. It might even be slightly beneficial. That advice is worthless to me though. The guy has never had this kind of issue (as far as I know…).

      She has requested celibacy. Not on so many words, but that’s what she’s after. “Give me time to get over this and my desire will return.”
      No it won’t.
      But she’s going to get her wish.
      I have told her that I will not even touch her unless she initiated the contact.

      I will never stop having desires for her. I will never stop hoping for her to make love to me. I think that the suggestion that I not do those things actually borders on offensive.

      God have me the desire I have for her. I will not hide it away. I will mask it to my best ability, but I’ll not hide it from her.

      That’s probably a really dicky way of saying, I disagree with most of that.

      I apologize for that. I’m a bit overcome by the whole situation right now.

  2. chipgruver says:

    First off, this is the safe place to say how you feel. If we addicts can’t be honest with each other, who exactly can we be honest with?

    I worry that you heard what you feared and not what I said. I don’t think you could turn off your attraction for her and, if you could, you shouldn’t. You ought to be attracted to your wife. God made you that way.

    What I was saying is stop pressuring your wife for a week. The irony of this is that no sooner had a posted my comment that you posted that she would need to initiate sex. This was most of what I was pondering anyway.

    My friend, don’t be afraid to shoot at me. Let’s say you totally burned our relationship, so what. God is still good and you haven’t burned the much more important relationship with your wife. I appreciate your apology, but it is not needed. If I am so bold as to suggest things for your marriage, you can say no. Even forcefully say no.

    Finally, an apology may be in order for me. I am always straddling the line between being too indirect and artsy. Sometimes I get a little too creative and not direct enough in my writing. My apologies.

    It is so encouraging to watch you walk this hard road.

    We’re all in this together.


    P.S. Driscoll’s book is not primarily about addiction, but marriage. Don’t judge him poorly on my account. I have a great deal of respect for him.

    • Thanks, I appreciate that.

      I’ve always had a difficult time with life advice from a pastor. In my mind I cannot relate to him. Meaning I don’t believe he has been through the situation he is giving me advice for. OR, in absence of the experience, he hasn’t been trained to give that type of counsel.

      That stems from snootiness. I have also always had a hard time respecting the teachings/opinions of people less educated than me. THAT is a character flaw that shall be addressed during my steps. But it’s still there right now.

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