Musings

We discussed the apology. “I just got tired of accepting apologies, that’s all.”

OK, that’s cool. I understand.

She seemed to be ok with everything else. Talking about her glorious butt, her initial encounter with mammoth manhood and all the other stuff. It was a great start to the day.

Since we’re on Snow Day III, I decided it was time to finish my sexual history. That’s not a fun experience in case you’re interested. Yes, there are some good memories, but most are painful and riddled with shame. I find it interesting that most of what I wrote had nothing to do with my wife. For whatever reason, I chose to leave those parts out. Yes, there was one or two mentions, they were great memories. The first HJ, the first BJ, her giving me her virginity. Those are all memories I will always cherish. They are pleasant memories full of purity; as pure as premarital sex can be.

I left the rest of our sex life out because I see it as a pure experience. The rest of my writing was nasty and disgusting. The times I have spent with my wife are always special. Even when I was at my most self-centered point in life, even then I knew that being intimate with this woman was a special thing. Only now do I realize how special  it was.

There is a purity to my wife. Yes, I have corrupted her in a major way. She has seen and heard things no wife should ever have to deal with. Even still, she is pure and wholesome. She is a woman with a heart for God. I can tell that she has a desire to be close with Him. She also has that most unselfish characteristic I can never have- motherhood. She is a devoted mother. I know that if it came between her love for me and her love for the boys, I’m on the street. And that’s the way t should be.

My bride has more to offer. She is incredibly witty. She is a talented teacher, she has a great report with her students and peers, she has the respect of the school’s administration. She was teacher of the year in 2010. She is loyal and she is kind. She is the smartest person I have ever met. One cannot just show up and have a chat with her; you’d better bring your A game.

Because of those things, I have an incredibly difficult time associating her with my negative experiences. I just cannot put her in there more than is necessary.

Random Stuff

I am full of desire for her. I’m fairly certain she is aware of this. I look at her quite a bit. I try and kiss her. I ask her for hugs. I’m in her area as much as possible.

I do not want to be away from her. I am so close to losing her, I cannot bear the thought of  being somewhere else. I long to spend all of my time with her.

I am highly aware of the thin line I am walking. I know that I am one major fuck up away from being single and losing all that I have.

I am keenly aware how special intimacy with her is. It used to be special before, kind of. I knew it was a good thing. I knew that she is a special lady. Those things did not stop me from acting out. NOW that her intimacy has been destroyed, all I can think of is her intimacy. I want to experience it. I want to share my intimacy with her. The problem being, she does not share that desire. She does not want to give me her intimacy. Rather, she is incapable of sharing her intimacy, I killed it.

She told me last night that I’m doing the best I can, that I’m sick. There’s no gut punch like hearing “You’re sick.” You cannot escape it, there is no cure and you can only hope to go into remission. Remission is a rare occurrence when it comes to sexual addiction. God, please help me get to that point. I am desperate for you.

I am desperate for a healthy relationship with God. I am desperate to have a healthy relationship with my bride.

 

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About MyJourney

I'm a 41 year old married father of 3. I am a sex addict. This blog is to document my progress, recovery and marital growth. Pornography is an evil creation. Let my experiences serve as a warning to all.
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