PTSD, Celibacy and Lunch

In my awesome bipolar mind I think in extremes. My wife found out she has PTSD caused by the trauma from my infidelity. She also found out that the whole, “when I see or feel your privates, I can only think about your cheating” thing is actually a trigger for her PTSD flashbacks. Additionally she found out the only way to get rid of those flashbacks is to out vast amounts of time between the triggers.

That leads to a question: If my privates are the trigger for her PTSD, when can they be reintroduced to our marriage? CAN they be reintroduced? Does this signal the end of our sexuality?

The answers she and I came up with were: I don’t know.

I told her that she is now in charge of instigating any sexual activity. I have taken myself out of the loop. She’s calling the shots sexually now.

This is why I said and wrote earlier that I would be pleasantly shocked if we had any type of encounter before June and that I would be surprised if it happened before Christmas 2014. She didn’t disagree. In fact, she asked what that would do to me.

I still believe that.
I went a little way the fuck over the line when I said our sexual intimacy was dead. That wasn’t fair of me.

She sent me a great text: Sometimes you have to leave things (sex) alone so they can heal

A very valid point. It sucks on several levels.
1. She was put in this position by me.
2. My dick is the cause of her flashbacks.
3. That body part is essential to what I’m desiring.
4. My urges for her have been growing at a ridiculous rate lately.
5. Those urges will go ignored for the foreseeable future.
6. She didn’t ask for this.
7. I have put a moratorium on masturbation to her photos.
8. I have NEVER gone more than 10 days without…you know.
9. I’m a selfish bastard.

Celibacy is her desire. Celibacy is her need. Celibacy is part of her treatment.

Fuck.

Mind Altering Substance
As I was writing my previous post, I was waiting, impatiently, for a church support group to begin. As is my normal procedure, I began writing what was on my mind. Since she had just texted me that she was unhappy about this and that she was sorry for hurting me (really!? WTF?), my mind began whirring into action.

Must…write…shitty…things…
Most of it wasn’t shitty. The part that I called our sexual intimacy dead, now that fits the mold of shitty.

That support group was great. The single most important thing I heard tonight, which turned out to be quite significant, was said at the very freaking end.

“You’ve been dealing with this shit for 30 years. It’s not going away in 6 months.”
Brilliant.
Those words turned my negative thoughts about my wife’s celibacy in a new perspective. I’ve been doing this for nearly 30 years. She’s been shat on for over 20. Her PTSD stuff isn’t going away anytime soon.

That list I made above…the one that states why this is going to suck…fuck that list. Let’s try this list of why this is going to suck:
1. I did this to her.
2. She didn’t ask for it.

That’s it.
This celibacy thing is about and for her.
Back the fuck off, jackass.

I will do whatever it takes to make this better. Time to pack a lunch and get to work.

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About MyJourney

I'm a 41 year old married father of 3. I am a sex addict. This blog is to document my progress, recovery and marital growth. Pornography is an evil creation. Let my experiences serve as a warning to all.
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2 Responses to PTSD, Celibacy and Lunch

  1. chipgruver says:

    I’m on the horns of a dilemma. I want your honesty and how you really feel, so don’t censor yourself. But I also want to challenge the self-talk I see in your posts. To be clear, I’m challenging the thoughts in your head not the words on the page.

    In this post you called yourself a jackass after doing something quite noble. You are talking of sacrificing sex for your wife. For addicts like us we would rather saw our arms off. Far from being a jackass, you are loving your wife. That, my friend, is what you are: noble.

    Jackass and a fucking prick is what you were. Sure, that guy isn’t dead, but he is dying. The noble new man that the Holy Spirit lives in is killing him. Is it messy? Sure. Will you be a jackass again, probably within the next few days.

    But if you stick with loving your wife and giving up sex to serve her, my friend, God will have done something extraordinary in your heart. You will be a true child of the King of Kings.

    And not a jackass.

    -Chip

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