Step One in the better man project is to love myself. Last night I took a step, possibly mire, in that direction. The last fight between My Bride and I grew out of my looking into forgiveness for my parents.
That night I had taken in too much. I had successfully asked My Bride out on a date. That may sound dumb to some, but it was the first time she agreed to go out with me when I I initiated the interaction.
I. Was. Elated.
I was SO HAPPY she had said yes. Even when we got home from our short dinner, I was still happy. We put on some dumb Netflix movie and kind of watched. We were no longer interacting much, yet I was still happy. She graded papers and I was searching for forgiveness strategies. Occasionally we’d say something about the movie.
It was at the end of the movie when I melted down. I HAD been on an emotional high. Looking through the forgiveness stuff took me the opposite direction very quickly. As soon as I saw what I was actually looking for…
SNAP! Instant meltdown.
My Bride asked what was wrong, I explained how the discovery had me re-living abuses. You eventually have to get past this or you’ll never heal.
Why did that piss me off?
I think it because I knew it to be true and her saying something SO obvious was insulting. I understand it shouldn’t have been insulting, she was trying to help. Admitting I was hurt because of pride truly sucks and I’m embarrassed.
FIGHT! it was dumb. It hurt her pretty bad and it seems it was the straw that broke her back. Within 4 days I was kicked out of our home.
So what? isn’t this about forgiveness? It is. Geeez, man, let me set the table. Gosh!
Holding on to the anger I’ve had for my parents for my ENTIRE life has had enormous consequences in my life. That poison I had swallowed, as Mr. Buddha says, had infected every aspect of my life. That anger was manifest in many different areas. The one that hurts the most is my interactions with My Bride.
Her comment that You eventually have to get past this or you’ll never heal was exactly right. I finally processed this a couple of nights ago, 5 nights after she said it, as I say on my temporary bed at Brother’s place.
I had been working this for quite some time. Last night, 6 days after she said it and 2 days post-booting, it happened.
I was sitting with my parents last night. The words of My Bride singularly echoing through my mind. It was right then and there that I forgave my parents.
I have been FREED from the tyranny of my past!!!!!
It might sound insane…
I woke up feeling good about it. There’s more. I feel like I am worthy of the love from others.
I’m smiling and crying as I wrote those words.
There is a future for me. That future is one of happiness and love. Even I am worthy of love.
If I am worthy of love, so are you.
Baby Doll, I pray you read this post. I am so sad we are apart as I come to these places. I am free! I wish I could share this moment I’m having with you. It is truly beautiful.
TODAY I found that road I’ve been so desperately looking for. It’s a nice road with nice people and it’s am astonishing feeling to be here.
It sucks that it took My Bride kicking me out to FINALLY get to this place. But here I am. I have gone from the depths of depression to my greatest joys this week.
My life has not ended.
Today, my life BEGINS!!