I JUST came across a great blog post by a fellow sex addict, Miguel Ali. In the post, Miguel tells an all too familiar story.
He (me too) had used sex to cope with the stressors in my life.
The differences between us, other than him being a multimillionaire, he went to a 3 month rehab program and his therapist implemented specific rules and coping mechanisms. I, on the other hand, have been sporadically attending support meetings and have no coping mechanisms in place.
Things must change
I do not believe I’m being challenged on a level that truly resonates with me. It seems to me we are working on a very shallow level. The topics are deep, but I have done zero work on addressing my abusive past. I have done zero work on how to cope with stress. That’s not true. I was told to exercise.
I got the exercise tip from Wikipedia a month before I started therapy.
We are addressing the different “selves” within me. There are some very specific personalities that live within me and take over when they see fit. The theory being get a handle on your parts, get them to play their intended role and your inner-core grows and becomes strong.
I like the concept, but it’s very odd.
“Who’s wanting to talk today?”
“What does he want?”
“What does he need?”
“Does he trust you?”
It’s truly a weird experience.
Our marriage therapist, on the other hand, is able to kick my ass a way no other has. If I try to get super logical, she gets more logicaler. If I try and over think, she cuts me off in about 3 words and snaps me to reality.
With The Good Doctor, I think tears were conceivable a couple of months ago. With Therapist, I feel a definite lump in my throat as I’m challenged or I’m hit with reality.
Not that tears are a good indicator…I guess. But that tells me if I’ve been made to feel something.
Therapist said we can work on my plethora of issues concurrent with our couples stuff. That’s pretty cool. If it goes well over the next 2 weeks, I’m going to stop my individual counseling. Actually, I’ll probably try and get another.
Back to that blog post.
Miguel speaks on how he lived in the future. His next high being his obsession. I’m the exact opposite. I relive my past over and over each day. It affects the way I think, my reactions and has an unimaginable affect on my relationships.
Here’s the best part of Miguel’s article.
You will get through it. You will recover from the exhaustion and you will become better…By confronting your toxic habits and doing something about them, you are automatically bringing the best out of yourself. Never forget that – getting past a toxic addiction will bring the best out of you.
One thing I find myself falling into, A LOT, is believing things will never improve. I will always be an addict. Our marriage will never heal. My wife will never truly accept me romantically. Intimacy will never truly be realized.
That crap ain’t true
There’s a piece of information I keep forgetting. My Bride loves me more than any other person in the world. After all I’ve done, the cover-ups, the lies and all I’ve put her through, she stands by my side loving and supporting me. SHE has unconditional love for me; a concept I have EXTREME difficulty accepting. Who can live someone with no strings attached? That sounds absurd.
My Bride does
Any time I dive in and read the blogs of other addicts, I find out, once again, I’m not alone. When I read their blog or a spouse blog, I learn that the damage I have caused has been shared by millions of others. I find there are people that have actually done worse things than me, and their marriage thrives today.
Here is why things must change. I have a very hard time accepting that I can be loved, much less unconditionally, by anyone. I take in information and process it through the filter of rejection, abandonment, pessimism, abuse and addiction. Everything I take in becomes negative as soon as it’s received. That’s a pretty toxic way to view things.
Recently I’ve saying My Bride has not truly forgiven me. Therapist asked if I’ve forgiven me. I had to answer no. I don’t deserve forgiveness. “None of deserve forgiveness or the unconditional love we get.” That forced me to think. I like thinking, especially if it’s in the right direction.