Sobriety Day 92
I crave interaction with My Bride. We fought from March 17 – March 26. It sucked donkeys. Since the end of our fight, she will not interact with me very much.
“I’m afraid it’s going to happen again. If I open myself back up, I’m just going to get hurt.”
What is it that wages afraid of? She fears my mood swings. Being the bipolar guy I am, it’s GOING to happen. There really isn’t any avoiding it. It doesn’t happen near as much as before, but it’s still there.
Here we have been, together for the past 3 days, and we have had zero affectionate interactions together. I kissed her last night and it was less-than passionate. It was actually incredibly awkward. I was attempting to initiate a non-sexual romantic interaction, she have me a series of pecks. Those pecks had no warmth and zero passion. It was incredibly frustrating.
I crave touch and affection. Those happen to be the 2 things most uncomfortable to her. Since we were told to have zero sexual contact until Monday, I’m going nuts without the touch and affection I so desperately need.
“You will just need to find other, non-sexual ways to show love to each other” was the ‘encouragement’ Therapist gave. That would be AWESOME if we could engage each other. She won’t do it though and I don’t know how to deal with the disappointment.
I’m cool with avoiding her trauma triggers. As far as I know, the only trigger is sex with me. That hurts in an incredibly painful way by the way.
‘Hey, that one thing that makes you feel loved and accepted more than any other? I hate doing that and the thought of doing it with you makes me sick.’
It fucking sucks.
Not having sex won’t kill you. I fucking hate it when someone tells me that (except a comment I got earlier today). Everyone that is involved with my addiction treatment or counseling has said it to me. My Bride has said it to me.
Yes, I’m fully aware that coitus is not critical to human survival. Neither is eating a nice, thick juicy steak, but it’s freaking awesome. It’s an enjoyable and satisfying experience. Add intimate, spiritual and orgasm to that and that’s a really good explanation of sex. It’s the best thing evar!
You can’t give what you don’t have. I assume she’s giving me all she has. Here’s the quandary: Is it possible for both of us to have our needs met?
I don’t think it is. I truly think one of us has to be miserable so the other can be served. I also know I have a very negative outlook.
I hope this doesn’t hurt her feelings. I don’t write things to hurt her. I write to process my thoughts and emotions.