Good, Icky, Good

This is a great sermon over lust. I highly recommend watching this.

Just to give a bit of clarification: Lust is a bitch and I want that bitch to be punched in the face, tied up, thrown in the trunk of a 1987 Coups de Ville, fire-bombed and driven off a cliff.

Back to reality…

We watched that sermon last night. It is a great play by play of how my life of lust has gone. During the sermon, the pastor reads some statements people had anonymously given. One sticks out in particular:
A married man writes about how he is secretly attracted to other men, has done some terrible things and that he wants to tell his wife but is afraid she will leave him and that he will lose his family.

We watched the rest of the sermon, during which I cried (surprise!), and had a pretty deep discussion following.

We talked about why I was crying- No matter how bad or big your sin is, God will forgive you. The simple reason is that I feel unworthy of God’s love and forgiveness (we all are) and because I am unworthy of His love and forgiveness, I am unworthy of her love and forgiveness as well.

She told me that I don’t get to decide who she loves, only she does. That she loves me, she’s not leaving nor is she letting me go.

That was pretty cool to hear.

“I do have to ask though…Are YOU attracted to men?”
That’s another of those incredibly tough things to hear your wife ask. That is just barely a notch below another question I had been obsessing over from exactly 7 days ago.

My answer was no.
And that is completely true.
Of course, it’s a little more complicated than that. I’m not attracted to men. But there is 1 thing that has a serious effect on me.

It’s kind of like this…
During “The Talk” 7 days ago, just before the really serious stuff came out, she said something that stunned me.

I once saw something on your computer. It was 2 women doing stuff and it kind of turned me on.

THAT was shocking. She is the most pure person I know and porn had an affect on her.

She told about how it was the action taking place that fired her up. That it could’ve just as easily been man/woman and had the same effect.

So it goes with the dude thing for me. It’s not the guy that does it for me, it’s seeing the 1 thing I like- happening. Nothing gay…it’s the ending…
{EDITING NOTE}I really wasn’t going to go there, but, as I was editing this, I decided it needed to be addressed. Too many questions would’ve arisen had I not at least given a very strong hint. {END NOTE}

That’s the really insidious thing about pornography. You see one thing that seriously excites you. In my case the one thing that was so exciting still lives in my mind. It’s like an old trashy high school friend that keeps coming around even though you told him to beat it. Before you know it you’re off drinking beers with him and trashing the town.

But then it isn’t enough. You need something more stimulating. On and on it goes. Next thing you know you’re watching something that, just a month ago, might have disturbed you. Now it’s just the next level in getting high.

There’s that trashy friend again.
:::Knock, knock, knock:::
Remember me? Let’s hang out again. I won’t be as gross and you won’t feel as bad as you used to…

As a guy who is very visually stimulated (I have ADHD), I am easily ensnared by almost anything sexual. Porn quickly became a major problem for me. As a result I am finding that I must be extremely careful about what my beady little eyes consume.

:::Knock, knock, knock:::

That sermon above lists 2 things you must do to keep yourself safe.

1. Protect yourself. He talks about the measures he has taken so that he is not taken down by pornography. This was pretty cool. This very popular pastor admitted that even he has to guard against this crap. He uses an alternate browser on his iPhone. He uses filtering software on his computer that reports every site he visits to a couple of church board members.

2. Go on the offensive. Run to God. Fill your time up pursuing your relationship with God. You won’t have time to be taken down by porn.

The time thing is the hardest part in my opinion. Many a night began with me mindlessly surfing the internet and ended with porn along with the associated activities.

Idle hands are the devil’s workshop. That is something a guy I used to coach baseball with used to say. It really sucks that I was in total agreement all those years ago and I’m just now understanding it.

If I have free time to myself, especially late at night, there’s a good chance of a negative outcome. Between 10PM and 2AM is prime acting out time. I need to either be hanging out with my wife (doubtful during those hours) or sleeping beside her.

Boredom is a terrible thing when you’re a sex addict. Being bored and by yourself is 1,000 times worse. That’s a simple recipe for disaster.

One of my biggest take aways from this sermon: sexual lust leads to death.

Sexual lust leads to:
Death of intimacy ✅
Death of trust ✅
Death of your relationship with God ✅

My pursuit of sexual lust has killed my wife’s feelings of intimacy for me. And to be honest, it meant that any serious intimacies I had died years ago too. She was just honest enough to finally admit it.

My pursuit of sexual lust killed the trust my wife had in me. Lust killed trust, burned the body and scattered the ashes. In turn, I projected my feelings of distrust in myself onto her. I had been accusing her of having an affair, lying to me and covering things up.
Seriously, I did that.

My pursuit of sexual lust has destroyed my relationship with God. The last 4 years of my life were the worst as far as my acting out was concerned. That time, coincidentally, matches up perfectly with the death of my spiritual life as well as major mental issues. I lost 2 jobs because I was so depressed I became non-functional. I had a nervous breakdown that put me in the hospital earlier this year. I attempted suicide 3 times in late September.

Anyone that says porn is harmless is either wrapped up in it or making money off of it.

Porn destroys lives. There’s no way around it. There’s story after story about those poor women committing suicide. I’ve read more than a few stories about the female performers needing surgeries to repair the physical damage some of the high-risk acts caused their bodies. There are tons of stories about those poor women escaping abuse only to end up in a life of porn. There are stories about families destroyed by porn use.

I am now one of those stories; another statistic. My marriage was on the brink of utter destruction because of my porn use.

Only through God’s mercy do I have a chance of surviving this addiction. The 2 of us-God and myself- will be a testament to His mercy and power.

I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me.
-Philippians 4:13

Only through the grace of God do my bride and I have a chance. And with that grace that He has given us, I have no doubt that we will become a powerful force. The 3 of us-man, woman and God-will be an incredible testament to His mercy and power.

For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.
-Jeremiah 29:11

For I will restore health unto thee, and I will heal thee of thy wounds, saith the LORD…
-Jeremiah 30:17

I’m not saying that we will be the end all be all of humanity. I am saying that I fully expect by, finally putting God into our marriage, we will have success never before seen by our family. We WILL make it. We WILL be a powerful example of God’s mercy and grace.

About MyJourney

I'm a 41 year old married father of 3. I am a sex addict. This blog is to document my progress, recovery and marital growth. Pornography is an evil creation. Let my experiences serve as a warning to all.
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1 Response to Good, Icky, Good

  1. Jayelle says:

    Thanks for sharing your story from the “other side”! … my prayer for you both is that you beat this! … it seems that these are long slow journeys, but with God’s grace, a lot of hope as well!

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