The Recovery That Wasn’t There

I THOUGHT I had hit “true recovery” in May through mid July. What I had actually received was a spiritual experience alongside a family experience at home. My “recovery” group stuff was the same old thing. I was still half-assing it through the assignments. I was still waiting until the day before group study to answer our questions. I was still skipping the assigned chapters and just answering the questions. Yet somehow, the program was obviously changing me?

Sorry, that’s not how things work.
THAT is what’s known as coincidental timing.

What REALLY Happened
I entered recovery from depression
The end

But I thought things had improved so much between you and the wife, she asked you to come home…
I thought that too, come to find our, it wasn’t true. I was…mislead misunderstanding the situation and there was absolutely no deception involved in any way whatsoever.

My wife informed me that, the weekend before we had our “miraculous healing,” I was falling apart over our marriage in such a way that she felt so bad about it she decided to ask me home.

Those posts about miracles? Were based on misunderstanding the situation.

Those therapy sessions where I spoke about the sudden and miraculous turn around? Were based on misunderstanding the situation.

Those prayer meetings I went to and gave testimony about God intervening in my life and my marriage and saving us from certain and obvious destruction? Were based on misunderstanding the situation.

My entire summer was based on misunderstanding the situation. My entire thought process and conception of my marriage was based on misunderstanding the situation.

So when my wife tells me she has never lied to me…perhaps we need to have a look at the stuff I wrote above and the mental and soul crushing effect those things have had on me since I was made aware of them 3 weeks ago.

The Irony, this is PRECISELY what I used to put her through. I was the one who would craft lies/deceptions with such skill that not even I thought they were lies or deceptions and if she called me out on them, I TOO would become righteously indignant. “How Dare You say that about me!?! I have NEVER done something like that to you!” Those are precisely things I said to her. She is following the EXACT path I was on.

One year ago, and I mean EXACTLY one year ago now, she was telling me how selfish I was and how I had spent our entire marriage lying to her and deceiving her and how it made her feel stupid and crazy. She told me how she eventually just gave up trying to do anything about it and became numb to it.

One year later…

My wife began her slide into my behavior pattern when we separated. When it started, it happened quickly. I noticed and said something about it. She was incensed and became very angry. Without looking, I guarantee there’s a post about it. Not in those terms, but there’s something written about it. I didn’t identify the situation fully until just now, which is embarrassing.

In mid-August, she informed me his good it felt to be selfish. She told me that she enjoyed being selfish and was going to enjoy it for a long time. I should have figured it out then.

Here’s a fear of mine.
I grew up under constant trauma and fear. I was constantly numb to certain things in my surroundings as is my wife.
*Is it possible she has slipped/is slipping into the EXACT condition I am coming out of?*

That terrifies me.
The thing is, she didn’t have a lifetime dealing with those stressors, I did. When we had separated, I finally was able to defeat the stressors once and for all and enter recovery from depression. I entered a massive recovery from my addiction. I didn’t even think about sex for the longest time.

When I found out about our relationship having gone through ZERO change in her mind and that the only reason I was asked home was because she felt sorry for me, I fell out of recovery almost immediately.

Arguments returned to our lives.
My mind started cranking out horrific “what if” scenarios again.
My mind started back to the “me, me, me” mentality.
I stopped caring about us and reverted to just me.
I became suspicious of my wife again.
I started to think about hiding information from here, specifically medical.

My biggest fear is- my wife has become me.

• I am not her.
• I cannot be what I was as a kid.
• She avoids conflict – I do not
• I thrive on conflict.
• My childhood, and a good chunk of my adult life, was destroyed by the stressors she has embraced.
• Those stressors MUST be dealt with or I go back to what I was. THAT cannot be allowed.
• My Wife cannot become my Ex-wife.
God did not bring us this far for that.
• My job is to love, cherish and support my wife, through good times and bad, through sickness and on health.
• I will do my job until the day I die or I am forced to do otherwise.
• I will screw things up in a major way, for I am a broken man.
• I have a major tendency to hurt people. It is not intentional.

I love my wife with everything in me. These tough times are called tough for a reason.

I am desperate to hold her.

About MyJourney

I'm a 41 year old married father of 3. I am a sex addict. This blog is to document my progress, recovery and marital growth. Pornography is an evil creation. Let my experiences serve as a warning to all.
This entry was posted in Agony, Discovery, emotion, Healing, Marriage Issues, Mental Health, Recovery, Relationship and tagged , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

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