Don’t Post Tired

Maybe I shouldn’t write as I’m forcing myself to stay awake. Whence last I wrote I was shaking my head, pinching myself and slapping my legs so I could write what was on my mind.

The Problem I Encounter whenever I write in this manner is, my honesty, thoughts and commentary are too real and raw for others to handle. The filter I SHOULD be employing has run on ahead of me and gone off to bed. Yes, even I have a filter.

There were things in that last post my wife will read, maybe has already read, that will make her very upset and/or hurt her. But those are real thoughts to me.

This blog is MY outlet. I don’t have friends I can lay this stuff on. I don’t have a support system I can dump things on. Having been in recovery groups, I’ve discovered that population of humanity simply doesn’t exist. Maybe…MAYBE you can say one or two things to a sponsor (you can’t) but they just tell you to work your program. That’s not really what I’m needing (post coming later).

My blog is my therapy, my friend, my bartender, my big brother, my dream recovery group that actually listens and actually gets to speak to me. It is where I write I am able to unload these horrible thoughts and hare-brained analysis that, 99.999% of the time, I know are wrong as I’m typing them on my iPhone keyboard. This is where I can be honest with myself and say some of the dumb things in my mind. This is where I can say some of the scary things in my mind.

That’s what my blog is supposed to be at least. There are problems with this. First, as new therapist says, I’m an idealist; I like to see things as they SHOULD be. The previous paragraph details, kind of, the purpose of my blog. The reality is different. My wife reads this stuff. I don’t post what I really and truly think about a lot of things. One might note that I went from posting multiple times each day to maybe posting twice a month. There is a reason for that.

The thoughts I unload have led to quite a few arguments. They have led to MANY incidents of me being called such delightful terms such as:
Asshole
Fucking Asshole
Dick
Fucking Dick
and many, many more

I repeated asked for my wife to not read my blog. She tells me she’ll read what she wants or that I need to put a password on it. Since I’m not going to do that, I either filter myself or keep from writing. Last night was kind of like drunk texting without the drinking. I was just drunk on lack of sleep.

Lesson learned.

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About MyJourney

I'm a 41 year old married father of 3. I am a sex addict. This blog is to document my progress, recovery and marital growth. Pornography is an evil creation. Let my experiences serve as a warning to all.
This entry was posted in Discovery, Lesson, Marriage Issues and tagged , . Bookmark the permalink.

8 Responses to Don’t Post Tired

  1. I have the same issue. H reads alll of my posts. I started it as a journal for me, and what I was deLing with.I asked him before my first post what he thought of my writing, he loved it and thought like me -that it could be a wonderful release. I enjoy having his imput, and its nice having a constant and understanding friend through all of this but………………………..

    It’s extremely hard at times because I can’t vent everything, every little thought that goes through my head. There are just some things he won’t understand, and couldn’t bear to hear. I could put them on private, but I don’t want to give him any reason to think I don’t trust him enough to let it all out, or worse give him reason to doubt his trust in me. He’s trying so hard and I don’t want him to give up…but ya, I get it.

    I also get her side of it all. You were unfaithful…and should be an open book for the most part, but there are some things you deserve to have private to yourself so long as they’re on the up and up 😉 such as your thoughts.

    • MyJourney says:

      Funny thing about asking for feedback, sometimes you get it.

    • MyJourney says:

      I’ve never wanted to publish as private. My thoughts and experiences might actually help someone, just like me reading other blogs helps me.

      BUT

      After the several episodes I’ve had with my wife reading my thoughts and not liking some of it, I am going to publish posts I know will cause problems as private. I’ve password protected in the past and put the password in the title as a signal to her that she might want to skip over that particular post. She reads them anyway. C’est la vie.

      I’m not concerned in the least about her losing trust in me. Since trust doesn’t seem to exist anyway, what’s to lose? Seriously though, if she doubted me, I’d simply hand her my phone and let her read it off the app I use to write on.

      As for being an open book…I think I might be the textbook definition for open book. If she wants to know, she just needs to ask. In fact, I randomly offer up info on my own. I’ve been accused of over sharing before.

      That said, I DO deserve a modicum of privacy. I don’t care what any, “You cheated, you don’t get privacy anymore” expert, book or blog says. Every person deserves some privacy. Even though I pulled some major dick moves, I’m still a person with the same needs as all other people. Privacy is on that list. But my private stuff IS on the up and up now. If she wants to know, I CAN satisfy her curiosity if need be.

  2. Here is my phone number: 1-318-417-1728. It is turned off at moment due to lack of funds. But it will be turned on by the end of the week. I am willing to listen. Notice I did not say give advice because at moment I know truly nothing about personality disorders.

    I am still praying for you regardless if you text, call or not. Please know that.

    And YES, everyone deserves privacy irregardless of what has transpired in their lives.

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