Maybe I shouldn’t write as I’m forcing myself to stay awake. Whence last I wrote I was shaking my head, pinching myself and slapping my legs so I could write what was on my mind.
The Problem I Encounter whenever I write in this manner is, my honesty, thoughts and commentary are too real and raw for others to handle. The filter I SHOULD be employing has run on ahead of me and gone off to bed. Yes, even I have a filter.
There were things in that last post my wife will read, maybe has already read, that will make her very upset and/or hurt her. But those are real thoughts to me.
This blog is MY outlet. I don’t have friends I can lay this stuff on. I don’t have a support system I can dump things on. Having been in recovery groups, I’ve discovered that population of humanity simply doesn’t exist. Maybe…MAYBE you can say one or two things to a sponsor (you can’t) but they just tell you to work your program. That’s not really what I’m needing (post coming later).
My blog is my therapy, my friend, my bartender, my big brother, my dream recovery group that actually listens and actually gets to speak to me. It is where I write I am able to unload these horrible thoughts and hare-brained analysis that, 99.999% of the time, I know are wrong as I’m typing them on my iPhone keyboard. This is where I can be honest with myself and say some of the dumb things in my mind. This is where I can say some of the scary things in my mind.
That’s what my blog is supposed to be at least. There are problems with this. First, as new therapist says, I’m an idealist; I like to see things as they SHOULD be. The previous paragraph details, kind of, the purpose of my blog. The reality is different. My wife reads this stuff. I don’t post what I really and truly think about a lot of things. One might note that I went from posting multiple times each day to maybe posting twice a month. There is a reason for that.
The thoughts I unload have led to quite a few arguments. They have led to MANY incidents of me being called such delightful terms such as:
and many, many more
I repeated asked for my wife to not read my blog. She tells me she’ll read what she wants or that I need to put a password on it. Since I’m not going to do that, I either filter myself or keep from writing. Last night was kind of like drunk texting without the drinking. I was just drunk on lack of sleep.