It’s Not The End, But I Can See It From Here

I am happy to report my recovery is going strong.

Things in my personal life, however, have been going downhill quickly.

This past week has been horrible for my marriage. My Bride and I, a term that is becoming difficult to use, had been drifting apart over the past month. I was hoping it was all in my head, but it is clearly not.

When we reunited after our monthlong separation the level of intimacy was dreamlike. We had never experienced such joy with one another. There was some sex in there, which, at least on my mind, was outstanding (more on that later). Lest you think I’m wrapped up in sex, I’m not. Far from it. I was enjoying emotional intimacy in ways never before experienced. There was certainly some physical and even sexual intimacy, but it was the emotional intimacy that was filling my love tank.

That all went away in late June. According to My Bride, she saw a “toy” of mine and it really troubled her. I have not used that toy in months, but seeing it messed with her. Never mind the fact that she has multiple “toys” and she HAS used them by herself and we always, ALWAYS use them when we are together. But put that aside, I understand triggers. The next day I said something that triggered her further. She told me so that night. Her words were something to the effect of, I saw the toy and you said XYZ and it triggered me. Sex is off the table for awhile. It shouldn’t be 6 months or anything, but it’s a problem right now. I have no problem with any of this.i understand everything that’s going on.

July comes and goes. Our intimacy drops to zero. I knew sex was gone, but I didn’t know everything else was leaving too. Snuggling, kissing, holding hands, staring into each other’s eyes were all gone little by little. She DID feel bad on my birthday and manipulate me. I thought it was because she was about to start her cycle. A couple of days before our anniversary she did it again. That time I thought it was because she was on her cycle. Then our anniversary came and she literally gave me the cold shoulder. She looked pissed off all night long. I wrote it off to her starting her new job. It seems to be more though.

Ever since she started her new job, our relationship has gone further and further down the tubes. She comes home more stressed out than the day before and acts accordingly. She’s tired, grumpy and has nothing to do with me. She has dinner, watched a little tv, talks with her sister and goes to bed. Every once and awhile she might say a word or two at me.

This brings me to another problem I’ve watched develop. Her sister is on one end of the couch, I’m on the other (it’s a really big sectional) and My Bride sits between us. There’s about 3 feet between each of us. We watch whatever they want and they talk about whatever they want. I’m totally left out of the equation. SOMETIMES I’ll butt in and ask what was said, I can’t hear them (I’m going deaf in one ear) and sometimes I’m clued in. I MIGHT be included in the conversation for a moment once or twice a week.

This past week was pretty bad around here. 1 week ago our oldest left the nest. My Bride was devastated. That night, after she went to bed, her father went to the emergency room thinking he had a heart attack. 2 days later I informed her the absence of sex was not ok.

:::I opened a can of worms:::

I let her know I was saying this from a spiritual point of view. We are commanded by God to have sexual relations as man and wife. It’s always about sex with you is her natural response. But it’s NOT about sex. It’s truly about the spirituality of the situation.

Sex between man and wife is “the glue that holds a marriage together.” Our marriage is using no glue. God has commanded us to make love. I am the spiritual leader of our home, I am TRYING to do my job and let her know she’s not doing her job. It’s about sex. I wish this were about ANYTHING BUT sex! If it were, she might listen to me. “God has commanded us to make love.” That’s for people with healthy relationships, not couples where one partner cheated.

That’s where I pointed out that she was wrong and that this was not a valid excuse. “That’s not your excuse. You don’t WANT to do it because you hate sex.” You’re right.

My infidelity severely damaged her sexuality. This has been a known issue for years. I was LED to believe it was getting better.

“This has to change. You have to do something about it.”
I don’t want to do anything about it. This is who I am now and I’m perfectly happy this way.
“This situation is killing our marriage.” Maybe I’m not meant to be married then since I don’t like sex. “Bullcrap. God made sex for you and me. He wants us to be married unless you’re hearing something I’m not.”
That part of me is dead.

The day I moved home we made love. Afterward I asked her if she had masturbated while I was gone.
Yes, twice this week.
When I had first come home, she was a to g really horny.
“If that part of you is dead, why did you masturbate before I came home?”
I was horny.
“Why did we make love? Were you horny or taking it? It can only be one of those answers.”
That’s not true.
“You’re sex drive isn’t dead, you’re afraid of letting me in and getting close. You’re afraid of getting hurt again. That’s why you don’t want to have sex.”

I asked her, repeatedly to go to counseling with me.
No.
“Why not?”
I don’t want to.
“Will you go to a group?”
No.
“Why not?”
I don’t want to.
“Will you ease go to marriage counseling with me? I’m begging you.”
No, I don’t want to.

Earlier in the week I had told her if she was I willing to make an effort, we were through as a couple. I reminded her of that. You do what you have to do.
“What I’m going to do is remind you of this everyday.”
Just keep on pushing.
“Is that a threat?”
Maybe.

I let her know that her father would agree with me that she needs to address this. She rolled her eyes. I told her that her grandfather would agree with me. She rolled her eyes again. It pissed me off this time. Whenever I roll my eyes at her she loses her shit. “Stop being dismissive of me. If I do that to me you go ballistic.”
I’m dismissing everything you say right now.
“I guess I need to get more people involved then.”
What, like an intervention?
“Yeah, that.”

She jumped up and lost it.

That’s it, I’m done. We’re through. Monday morning I’m finding out what I need to do to finish this off.

She started to stomp through the house listing off expenses and who pays what and how much. She started to tell me what I was going to pay for the kid’s insurance.
“I’m not cooperating with any of this.”

She did to understand what I meant. I was saying she’s not getting an uncontested divorce from me.

We both backed off some and calmed down. But I think it’s important to state, again, that she is unwilling to do anything about this problem. She doesn’t want to discuss it and when I force it she allegedly gets massive migraines and has to go to sleep.

There’s an enormous problem that’s boiling and festering and she refuses to address it.

I’m more than 90% sure our marriage is over. We are at the proverbial impasse and she refuses to compromise the slightest amount.

After all the shit we’ve been through, it’s coming down to her refusing to address a problem.

This coming week I’m going shopping for a place to live. The fact I typed that sentence, after what had transpired the past few months breaks my heart. But when My Wife if more than 22 years refuses to partner with me, on the most basic of marital relations, and will not even discuss it, what am I to do? I’m still a relative young man. If she chooses to stay on her path, I cannot stay on it with her. THAT was the saddest sentence I’ve ever written.

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About MyJourney

I'm a 41 year old married father of 3. I am a sex addict. This blog is to document my progress, recovery and marital growth. Pornography is an evil creation. Let my experiences serve as a warning to all.
This entry was posted in Agony, Marriage Issues, Relationship and tagged , , . Bookmark the permalink.

12 Responses to It’s Not The End, But I Can See It From Here

  1. Being Hahn says:

    As a woman who is also dealing with many issues stemming from her husband’s sex addiction, I think you are being selfish. Recovery and healing is not a linear progression. If she is feeling horny but doesn’t want to have sex with you, you are in no place to hold it against her. She may be in a better place to talk or have sex again, but probably not with you hounding her.

    Moreover, the only two reasons for which God biblically sanctions divorce are infidelity and abandonment. Think about that before you accuse her of being ungodly in your relationship.

    Lastly, you have no right to “the most basic of marital relations” because you broke the marriage covenant. Stop acting so entitled.

    • MyJourney says:

      I appreciate your comments. I disagree with virtually everything you’ve said however.

      Recovery and healing not being linear, point taken.

      Your comment about her “feeling horny but not wanting to have sex with you” {me} is totally off base. When she is horny, about twice a year, she’s all over me. She displays no desire or willingness for sexuality.

      “…Not with you hounding her.” I’m not hounding her for anything. I haven’t even asked for sex. I told her that we need to address the situation. Nowhere in that comment, or in the conversation that resulted from it, came a request for sex. I asked her to address the issues leading to her not wanting to do it.

      Don’t try and turn this into a “sex guy isn’t getting any and he’s pissed off about it” thing. That’s not the case at all. This is a “husband and wife were separated and got back together and it appeared the relationship was in a place that was only dreamed of before and come to find out it was actually in the exact, if not worse, place than it was before our separation and I feel deceived” thing.

      This isn’t a sex issue. Sex is a symptom of a much larger illness. As I told My Bride, I wish the symptom was something different. If it were ANYTHING else, she and/or anyone we might speak to could see the situation through unbiased eyes.

      Lastly, I have every right to every element of my marital relationship. We are a married couple that is working through difficulties. I have repented of my sins to God and My Bride. Both have forgiven me. In the eyes of God, I am a new creation. I do not go through the rest of my life paying for sins I have been forgiven of. Our covenant is reborn. Don’t try and hit me with the bitterness you hold toward your husband. I did nothing to you. I am entitled to a full relationship with My Bride. As long as she wears that ring upon her finger and calls herself my wife, I am entitled to that relationship. I have EVERY right to that and every part of our marriage.

    • MyJourney says:

      Since I have been forgiven by God AND My Bride, the infidelity sanction does not apply. I don’t know why you mentioned abandonment because that isn’t part of our situation at all.

      I DO think about the Biblical things I say before I say them. I have to think about them hard and pray about them hard. I have to make sure I’m saying them based on Godly reasoning and not my own reasoning. I have to make sure what I’m saying matches up with what I’m hearing in my prayer time.

      I’m guessing you’re not a longtime reader of my blog. I’ve gone through a pretty radical change in just the past 4 months. I’ve gone from uncertain about God’s involvement in my life to talking with Him about typical daily things. I’m building a relationship with God, where a few months ago I thought it was a stupid concept.

      • Being Hahn says:

        Based on your defensive and lengthy reply, and your whopping four months of recovery, you still have much to work out. Forgiveness is not a one time thing. Maybe you’ll mature out of your self obsession to have more empathy. Maybe not. Good luck with your recovery.

      • MyJourney says:

        Again, you obviously don’t read my stuff. I write a paragraph to say hello.

      • MyJourney says:

        You are correct to say I have much to work out. There’s no argument from me on that. As to the forgiveness, I cannot speak to how others forgive. I know I forgave my parents for abusing me in one shot. I feel pretty good about it too. My Bride? I dunno, I have never believed that she has forgiven me. I just can’t accept it as true when you look at the way she treats me, talks to me, acts when I come into a room. I can’t square those things with the way things were way back in the beginning of our relationship and her alleged forgiveness now. They do to balance out.

        Self-obsession? I don’t believe I’m self-obsessed. If you form that opinion of me based off my writings, I understand the reasoning. This blog is by me, about me concerning my thoughts and viewpoints. I can see how you’d see me as self-obsessed. I do to really spend very much time each day thinking about these things, but when I do, it can be overwhelming.

        Good luck to you as well. Based on what you’ve said to me, you have a lot of bitterness to work through.

      • MyJourney says:

        One last thing, why would you mock my length of recovery? I can understand being pissy about the things I had written on my initial responses, but there is seriously not much more of an asshole thing to do than to attack someone for their recovery. That’s just a very low rent move on your part and a prime example of the bitterness I spoke of in my previous comments. There was no reason to do that at all other than to attack me and try and knock me down a few pegs.

        It won’t work.
        I feel sorry for you that you feel the need to attack someone that you don’t know and didn’t take the time to understand my story, and gripe me out. You don’t understand the complexities of my situations, yet you’re ok jumping in and mocking my recovery on the way out.

        If this were twitter or Facebook I’d block you. Since it is not, I simply ask you to get the help you so clearly need and take care.

  2. You can accept or you can expect. Let me know which one is working for you.

    • MyJourney says:

      I don’t know which way to go. Her attitude says I just accept the situation as final. However, I’ve been through too much to see that as an acceptable fate. Then again, she says she has no problem living the rest if her life like this. It’s a pretty big mess.

  3. 18mitzvot says:

    It seems to me that you place 100% of the problem squarely on your bride. Well that can’t be right, can it? On the other hand, if she refuses to attend marriage counseling, what can possibly change? Is the Happy Marriage Fairy going to magically make it all better? You are in a tight spot and I hope it gets better for both of you.

    • MyJourney says:

      I really don’t put 100% of the blame on her. I freely admit that I’ve caused a huge amount of our issues. My writing is, of course, from my point of view. I try to be fair, but I know that’s impossible when the subject matter is so personal.

      I’ll also say that, again from my point of view, things were going incredibly well until mid-June. She came and told me that she had been triggered and I really hadn’t done anything to do it. I saw things deteriorate but denied it. Eventually I couldn’t deny anymore and said something. Here we are in a right spot.

      No, the Marriage Fairy isn’t coming. Ever. She did say, last night, that she refuses to go to counseling right now and that she refuses to address issues right now. That isn’t forever, so there is hope.

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