I am happy to report my recovery is going strong.
Things in my personal life, however, have been going downhill quickly.
This past week has been horrible for my marriage. My Bride and I, a term that is becoming difficult to use, had been drifting apart over the past month. I was hoping it was all in my head, but it is clearly not.
When we reunited after our monthlong separation the level of intimacy was dreamlike. We had never experienced such joy with one another. There was some sex in there, which, at least on my mind, was outstanding (more on that later). Lest you think I’m wrapped up in sex, I’m not. Far from it. I was enjoying emotional intimacy in ways never before experienced. There was certainly some physical and even sexual intimacy, but it was the emotional intimacy that was filling my love tank.
That all went away in late June. According to My Bride, she saw a “toy” of mine and it really troubled her. I have not used that toy in months, but seeing it messed with her. Never mind the fact that she has multiple “toys” and she HAS used them by herself and we always, ALWAYS use them when we are together. But put that aside, I understand triggers. The next day I said something that triggered her further. She told me so that night. Her words were something to the effect of, I saw the toy and you said XYZ and it triggered me. Sex is off the table for awhile. It shouldn’t be 6 months or anything, but it’s a problem right now. I have no problem with any of this.i understand everything that’s going on.
July comes and goes. Our intimacy drops to zero. I knew sex was gone, but I didn’t know everything else was leaving too. Snuggling, kissing, holding hands, staring into each other’s eyes were all gone little by little. She DID feel bad on my birthday and manipulate me. I thought it was because she was about to start her cycle. A couple of days before our anniversary she did it again. That time I thought it was because she was on her cycle. Then our anniversary came and she literally gave me the cold shoulder. She looked pissed off all night long. I wrote it off to her starting her new job. It seems to be more though.
Ever since she started her new job, our relationship has gone further and further down the tubes. She comes home more stressed out than the day before and acts accordingly. She’s tired, grumpy and has nothing to do with me. She has dinner, watched a little tv, talks with her sister and goes to bed. Every once and awhile she might say a word or two at me.
This brings me to another problem I’ve watched develop. Her sister is on one end of the couch, I’m on the other (it’s a really big sectional) and My Bride sits between us. There’s about 3 feet between each of us. We watch whatever they want and they talk about whatever they want. I’m totally left out of the equation. SOMETIMES I’ll butt in and ask what was said, I can’t hear them (I’m going deaf in one ear) and sometimes I’m clued in. I MIGHT be included in the conversation for a moment once or twice a week.
This past week was pretty bad around here. 1 week ago our oldest left the nest. My Bride was devastated. That night, after she went to bed, her father went to the emergency room thinking he had a heart attack. 2 days later I informed her the absence of sex was not ok.
:::I opened a can of worms:::
I let her know I was saying this from a spiritual point of view. We are commanded by God to have sexual relations as man and wife. It’s always about sex with you is her natural response. But it’s NOT about sex. It’s truly about the spirituality of the situation.
Sex between man and wife is “the glue that holds a marriage together.” Our marriage is using no glue. God has commanded us to make love. I am the spiritual leader of our home, I am TRYING to do my job and let her know she’s not doing her job. It’s about sex. I wish this were about ANYTHING BUT sex! If it were, she might listen to me. “God has commanded us to make love.” That’s for people with healthy relationships, not couples where one partner cheated.
That’s where I pointed out that she was wrong and that this was not a valid excuse. “That’s not your excuse. You don’t WANT to do it because you hate sex.” You’re right.
My infidelity severely damaged her sexuality. This has been a known issue for years. I was LED to believe it was getting better.
“This has to change. You have to do something about it.”
I don’t want to do anything about it. This is who I am now and I’m perfectly happy this way.
“This situation is killing our marriage.” Maybe I’m not meant to be married then since I don’t like sex. “Bullcrap. God made sex for you and me. He wants us to be married unless you’re hearing something I’m not.”
That part of me is dead.
The day I moved home we made love. Afterward I asked her if she had masturbated while I was gone.
Yes, twice this week.
When I had first come home, she was a to g really horny.
“If that part of you is dead, why did you masturbate before I came home?”
I was horny.
“Why did we make love? Were you horny or taking it? It can only be one of those answers.”
That’s not true.
“You’re sex drive isn’t dead, you’re afraid of letting me in and getting close. You’re afraid of getting hurt again. That’s why you don’t want to have sex.”
I asked her, repeatedly to go to counseling with me.
I don’t want to.
“Will you go to a group?”
I don’t want to.
“Will you ease go to marriage counseling with me? I’m begging you.”
No, I don’t want to.
Earlier in the week I had told her if she was I willing to make an effort, we were through as a couple. I reminded her of that. You do what you have to do.
“What I’m going to do is remind you of this everyday.”
Just keep on pushing.
“Is that a threat?”
I let her know that her father would agree with me that she needs to address this. She rolled her eyes. I told her that her grandfather would agree with me. She rolled her eyes again. It pissed me off this time. Whenever I roll my eyes at her she loses her shit. “Stop being dismissive of me. If I do that to me you go ballistic.”
I’m dismissing everything you say right now.
“I guess I need to get more people involved then.”
What, like an intervention?
She jumped up and lost it.
That’s it, I’m done. We’re through. Monday morning I’m finding out what I need to do to finish this off.
She started to stomp through the house listing off expenses and who pays what and how much. She started to tell me what I was going to pay for the kid’s insurance.
“I’m not cooperating with any of this.”
She did to understand what I meant. I was saying she’s not getting an uncontested divorce from me.
We both backed off some and calmed down. But I think it’s important to state, again, that she is unwilling to do anything about this problem. She doesn’t want to discuss it and when I force it she allegedly gets massive migraines and has to go to sleep.
There’s an enormous problem that’s boiling and festering and she refuses to address it.
I’m more than 90% sure our marriage is over. We are at the proverbial impasse and she refuses to compromise the slightest amount.
After all the shit we’ve been through, it’s coming down to her refusing to address a problem.
This coming week I’m going shopping for a place to live. The fact I typed that sentence, after what had transpired the past few months breaks my heart. But when My Wife if more than 22 years refuses to partner with me, on the most basic of marital relations, and will not even discuss it, what am I to do? I’m still a relative young man. If she chooses to stay on her path, I cannot stay on it with her. THAT was the saddest sentence I’ve ever written.