“The Lord is my shepherd; I shall not want. He maketh me to lie down in green pastures: he leadeth me beside the still waters. He restoreth my soul: he leadeth me in the paths of righteousness for his name’s sake. Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil: for thou art with me; thy rod and thy staff they comfort me. Thou preparest a table before me in the presence of mine enemies: thou anointest my head with oil; my cup runneth over. Surely goodness and mercy shall follow me all the days of my life: and I will dwell in the house of the Lord for ever.”
(Psalms 23:1-6 KJV)
7 days ago I received a touch from God. Twice. He spoke to me through a friend and He then touched my life through the prayer group. 2 days later Therapist gave me seriously helpful information.
I tried to implement those things last week. I had thought it successful. My Bride taking the reasonable wait and see stance.
She waited only to see me blow those lessons completely up days later.
I have demonstrated that I will cause pain at every opportunity.
Annnnd just as always, I hit my normal mark.
A few days of work only to be ruined by and every interaction that did not go precisely my way. History has repeated and My Bride was proven right again as she was hurt yet again as always happens.
A personal family situation came up last night for her. I begged to comfort her.
“Can I hug you?”
That hurt pretty bad. “Please, let me GIVE this love and comfort to you.”
No, please respect that and stop pushing me away.
It troubled me all night.
Brother wanted to hang out. As we did, I told him of being molested, porn addiction and all of the shit I keep dragging My Bride through. The really cool thing about that, he had an extended relationship with a lady eerily similar to me. She was bipolar and had been suicidal. She had been hospitalized as well. She had enormous issues and constantly talked of them.
Here’s how it was summed up for me:
Shut the fuck up
She hates being with you because all you do is talk about tough shit. You are smothering her.
Leave her the fuck alone. Give her place around. space requested.
Stop nailing her with all of these attacks.
I called My Bride on the way home and told her about it. She didn’t speak. She was VERY quiet. I moved the conversation to what had been troubling her and she began participating.
When I got home she was still awake. I went in to say goodnight. She was in her normal position. On her side, faced away from my side of the bed and placed on the edge of the bed as far away from where I would be sleeping as possible.
I walked in and sat on a chair next to her. She had her eyes open but they never looked at me. I told her I was going to bathe, the stench of cigarettes was clinging to me.
Her eyes never moved as she stated blankly into space.
:::Is this a sign of some kind???:::
I bent over to kiss her goodnight.
She didn’t move.
Her eyes stayed focused I to space.
I leaned in to kiss her.
Her mouth wasn’t made available.
I kissed her on the cheek I think.
It was the single coldest interaction I’ve ever had with My Bride.
I have kissed her as she was in deep, deep-ass sleep many times before. Even then some kind of warmth existed.
Last night, with her awake and she knowing I was coming in for the kiss, there was nothing.
Complete lack of emotion.
Not even indifference.
She merely existed as I kissed her. The lack of feeling, emotion and the very presence of humanity made it feel as though I kissed death itself.
Please do not let that be a sign of our marriage. Please do not let our marriage have actually died last night. I need the warmth of My Bride. I desperately need to give her my love and affection. Please, Father God, if things must end, do not let them end in this way. At least let us end as friends. The thought of not even having My Bride as a friend or even ally is more than I can even bear.
“We are able to heal only once we become so desperate we realize, even through our illness, we are unable to do it alone.”
I learned I am finally at that point yesterday. I am terrified that it might have taken the the death of My Bride’s love for me to get me to this point.
To honor what I told her last night, I cannot and will not mention or discuss this with her until we get to our counseling session in 2 days. In the meantime I have to do exactly as Brother told me.
Be her friend.