Today I let my family down. I caused a major explosion at home. my actions have shaken the very foundation of my marriage.
The previous 4 posts documented today’s decent from uncomfortable all the way down to I think it’s over, I fucked up for the last time.
I wrote defiantly. This is the way it is…
Only to discover, after hitting publish the last time, that I was wrong. I was very wrong.
As I texted My Bride, “I do not handle feelings and emotions very well.”
That is very true.
I have shown for over 41 years that I am incapable of handling emotions and feelings in a healthy manner.
I just cannot do it.
As I was driving home, The Good Doctor called. He was responding to the “I really fucked up and I need your help” text I had sent awhile back.
Are you having suicidal thoughts?
Oh, yeah. Lots of those.
Please speak with my voice to voice before you do anything.
How are you feeling?
Like shit. The only person I’m trying to make changes for is likely gone. The reason I get out of bed everyday looks to be taking me up on my offer of divorce. Like I have no reason to live anymore.
Where are you staying tonight?
I dunno. I can’t go to my parents, there’s too much pain there and I really don’t need that pain atop of what I caused today.
No you don’t.
I’ll probably just sleep in my car.
Is there someone you can stay with?
My sister probably
Good, you don’t need to be alone tonight.
As I pulled up to my house, he asked me to call 5 or 6 more times tonight.
I walked in, saw My Bride out of the corner of my eye and hustled to our bed.
I began texting her.
I am willing to do anything.
I want to be on her side. I want us to be together.
I love that woman. I just hope she has enough desire to want to let me stay.