As Much As I can Give Right Now

This blog is about my sexual addiction and my recovery.

I guess the best thing is to explain what’s going on and where it all began.

1984

I was 12 years old.

My family had just arrived in my father’s hometown in upstate New York. We were at a camp ground when the molestation happened. I was fishing by myself when he came up behind me. I had never seen an adult man before. I was in shock when he grabbed me and forced me to my knees. When it was over, I collapsed to the ground. He laughed at me. He started taunting me and calling me names. Horrible names I had never heard before but I instantly knew what they meant. He came over to me, pulled me off of the ground and whispered into my ear that nobody would ever believe me if I told. That he was too important for them to believe a pussy kid like me.

I spent the rest of my time in New York seeing him everyday. Everyday he looked at me. I was so embarrassed. I was so scared. There was nothing I could do. There was nothing I could say. He was right, nobody would believe me. I had a very long history of lying to my family and he knew it. I was totally trapped. And I was trapped in his presence every day for 2 weeks. I would hide or run outside at every chance I would get.

When we finally arrived home I spent the rest of my summer by myself. Usually I would go and hang out with the other boys only street. We would play football, shot BB guns and traps about the world. Not this summer. I spent the rest of my summer by myself. I would go to the neighboring park and hide in the woods all day. I made forts, threw rocks and even made a dangerous tree-house.

School finally began. I had just started 7th grade. Middle school was a new experience. I met a lot of new people. Since I was in the band I made a huge number of new friends. Thankfully I was able to hide in the group.

It was about a month into the school year when I found it. I was pilfering through my dad’s drawers. It was in a brown grocery bag. Mom and dad were on a trip and my sister was at a friends house. I was all alone. I popped the movie in. I truly didn’t know what it was. To me it was just a video. I was so very wrong. It was porn. I learned something right then. I learned that masturbation felt good. I also learned that I didn’t think about anything but the job at hand. Nothing else mattered. I was free.

I should probably add that I was a very abused child. I had been suffering physical and emotional abuse from my earliest memories. I would be yelled at, called names, told how worthless I was and eventually beaten. All in the same day. That video and learning masturbation was my way out. NOTHING else mattered. At the end of the day, when the names and beatings had ceased, I would lock myself in the bathroom and masturbate. This would go on for hours. It was my way out. My ticket to freedom.

This pattern of behavior continued through high school, into college and finally into my marriage. It didn’t end with memories of a movie. In middle school I would buy magazines from sketchy guys; guys that I to this day don’t know how I met. I moved from the pictures to the phone sex offerings. I eventually moved to frequenting a porn theater when I was old enough to drive. When I went to college my phone sex use went through the roof. I was living by myself. There was nothing to do. Porn and phone sex filled my free time. I ended up flunking out of school because of it. My phone bill was usually able $500 each month. I was out of control.

Since I had flunked out and was incredibly embarrassed about it I transferred. But the same thing happened. New school, new apartment with the same results. Only now that I was older, I was able to get into sketchier places. It’s just that these places had filthier consequences.

As I was flunking out of school and participating in disgusting behaviors I was leading a second life. I had a public life: I had a girlfriend. She was the woman of my dreams. She was beautiful, funny, affectionate and crazy smart. She was everything I had ever dreamed of. I was deeply in love. I was also heavily involved with our church. Then there was the secret life- this life had me visiting porn theaters, renting dirty movies, buying porn magazines and using phone sex. I was even beginning to involve myself in the drug culture. My public persona would denounce drug use. My secret persona was a pot fiend. I would either be smoking or getting drunk every night of the week. Then I would go home and lose myself into porn.

I flunked out again.

My last chance at school came. I transferred to the same school my now fiancé was attending. I just knew that having her so close would stop my secret life. We spent a lot of time together. We ALWAYS ate together, went to a religious group daily and went to church together. But she wasn’t with me 24 hours a day. I would get my material when I was in my dorm room. When we finally married I knew my secret life was over. Except it got worse. Phone sex came back. Going to the theater came back.

She found out about the phone sex. At first I had been intercepting the phone bill. I would get the bill, call them up and dispute the charges. I always paid the updated number. That is until she got the bill first. “I didn’t do it” was my plea. “I don’t know how that got on our bill but I didn’t do it.” My wife, the woman of my dreams believed me. She called the phone company and disputed the charges. She believed me. Deep down she didn’t, but up top she did.

That’s when our sexual contact went from NEWLYWED to BEEN MARRIED 30 YEARS. We went from 4-5 encounters each week to maybe once a week, if I was lucky. The phone sex stopped for awhile. We moved and all was well. Until the phone sex came back. I had never stopped buying porn magazines. I went straight to the phone sex ads. I literally skipped the pictures and went straight to the ads. More bills. More denial. More lost trust. She knew.

We moved again. It happened again. More bills, more denial and more lost trust. She finally confronted me. I eventually came clean about it. It was very painful for us. I had destroyed her ego. I was hurt because I got caught.

I graduated and we moved to the town of my first job. The phone sex came back. This was also when the internet first came into popular usage. I had secretly created an AOL account and used it to get online porn. She found out. I didn’t know about browser history. She knew about it. She was crushed. Again. I said I would stop. What happened was I learned how to clear my history.

This all continued throughout the birth of all 3 of our children. Every home we have ever had has been infected with my disgusting porn usage. When we got to our current home, when our youngest had just been born, I was being caught on the computer frequently. So I started going back to the porn theaters. It was so easy to be deceptive. What she doesn’t know won’t hurt her.

Sure..keep telling yourself that.

Year after year she would catch me using porn. It escalated from internet porn to me renting actual movies on our satellite. Now it was costing us documentable money. I had always been able to hide the expenses. Not now.

It was really bad when I started using my work computer for porn usage. I had been doing it for more than a year when I was finally caught. I wasn’t being fired, but I was being restricted. In my mind, everyone knew about it. That might be pretty close to true. In my embarrassment I left for a new job. This was a fateful decision. I went from being highly motivated and very successful to decently motivated and mediocre.And I went downhill from there. The porn theater was now on my route home. I stopped almost daily.

Porn had always been a big deal to me. I realized that I had a major problem when I decided to not stop at the theater. I was going straight home. I didn’t need porn anymore. I was very wrong. I was out of control. As I was mindlessly pulling off the road to the exit my heart began racing. I was sweating and became solely focused on getting my porn fix. I SHOULD have known right then that I was an addict. I denied instead.

To my wife I was fixed. I didn’t use porn anymore. It was in our past. It was a memory; a very painful memory but it was gone. She was very wrong. My porn usage was escalating. Now I was getting website memberships. I paid with hidden money. I was using porn everyday. Sometimes I was using it several times a day. I didn’t realize that I was out of control.

What kills me is how she stayed by my side. She is such a special lady. There is none on earth like her and count yourself lucky if she’s in your life. She is so very sweet. So very loving. She trusts and she gives of herself constantly. And I was shitting on her every day. Even though she had a really good idea that porn was being used, she stayed by me. We had gone through counseling at church. Everything was fixed. I had made a new commitment to our marriage. She rewarded me by having a boudoir photo session. It’s the best Christmas present I’ve ever received. I look at it everyday. It’s a daily reminder of what a giving and loving woman she is.

I had moderate success at curbing my porn usage. Our counseling had some affect on me. At the very least it slowed me down. But it never stopped me.

I didn’t realize my problem until 2 months ago. I had been on one of my monthly lack of sex bitch sessions. I asked her to go on a car ride with me so we could discuss things. It was there that the bomb was dropped. “I don’t like sex, I don’t want it and I won’t do it anymore.” I was stunned. I had thought this was the case for several years but having it confirmed is devastating.

The chickens have come home to roost.

The long and the short of it is: I have destroyed my wives desire for sex. Her capacity for affection is gone. Her desire for me is dead. She has said that she is perfectly fine with it never returning. She has finally admitted that she does not respect me and that all of her issues are my fault (I agree).

We started couples therapy. The counselor immediately referred me to an individual therapist. She didn’t say the words “Sex Addict” but she didn’t need to. The guy she sent me to specializes is sex addiction. It was obvious to her that I was an addict.

We went to a few sessions on and off. there were always scheduling conflicts. I had begun my individual therapy. I was sent to Sexaholics Anonymous for 12 step meetings. My therapist stated that my wife needed to be in individual therapy as well. He said that we both needed individual therapy and to both go to 12 step meetings to go along with our couples therapy. I reported this to my wife and our therapist. The therapist agreed but my wife resisted. “I don’t want therapy for what you’ve done” was the just of her comments.

Yesterday she finally said that she needed individual therapy. BUT she said she will not go to couples therapy while she’s in individual therapy. I flipped my shit. I was pretty aggressive telling her that she had to do both. She has it set up to see our couples therapist as her individual therapist. Now we have to find a new couples therapist. I spent an absurd amount of time searching for someone that had the qualifications, specialties I thought we needed AND took our insurance. It was no easy task.

I see this as a slap in the face. My therapist stated we need to have all of the therapies going. The wife refuses. She says that she can’t really contribute to our joint sessions. Which is kind of true. She cannot verbalize her feelings. She says that she doesn’t even know what she feels. All of it makes sense to me.

I’m not on your timetable

I’m ready to get this stuff fixed. I have a lifetime of lies and deception within me and I want it gone. All of it gone. I want everything fixed. The only problem is there’s another person involved. “You’ve been concerned about you since we’ve been married. All of a sudden you’re ready to fix things. I’m not. I am not on your timetable. I am not wanting to go your speed.” It hurts to know you’ve destroyed another person. It hurts more than the molestation did.

I am in such pain knowing what I have done. I have spent 21 years denying it. I just realized that I’ve been a scumbag. I want to fix that. But she isn’t ready to deal with it yet. That is incredibly painful to me. First because I want the pain to go away immediately. I’m ashamed and embarrassed by my behavior. I want to move on as quickly as possible. I want healing to begin. Second because she isn’t ready. She has her own issues to deal with. She has to kill her demons before she can battle OUR demons. THAT is painful because it forces me to stay put. I can and will work on my problems. But I’m at a standstill as a husband until she’s ready to confront this shit with me.

I miss my wife.

I grieve for the relationship I thought we had. I’m sure she’s the same way.

I hurt for the pain I’ve caused.

I hurt for killing her ego.

I hurt for destroying her sexuality.

I hurt because I know she hurts.

When I tell her about my pain, when she is at a moment of weakness (I assume it’s weakness) she says things like, “it hurts doesn’t it? or “It feels pretty bad, huh?” or “how does it feel?” She knows it hurts to hear that. She knows that she is being vengeful. She says she doesn’t like hurting me but that it’s ok with her that I get to feel the same pain.

I get that.

I hate that she needs to feel that way.

I hate that I have brought this into her life.

I am so sorry.

I cannot apologize enough.

I have been attempting sobriety since September 22, 2013. I’ve fucked up a couple of times. But this is the first time I’ve actually put effort into it.

I have to prove myself to her.

She says I don’t need to prove anything to her.

BULLSHIT.

She doesn’t respect me.

She doesn’t desire me.

She doesn’t trust me.

She doesn’t think that I’m capable of being what I need to be.

I have to earn those things back. In order to do that I have to prove things to her. I have to prove that I can handle the responsibilities I’ve assumed. I have to prove that she is the only thing that I need. I have to prove that one to myself. I have been using porn and masturbation as an escape from the world since I was 12. I have to retrain my mind. I have to develop a new psyche.

The single most important thing for me, right now, is my sobriety. At the same time I have to put her needs above mine. I have to do that so I can prove to US that I am not number 1 in my life anymore. I desire a relationship with her. Sexual relations will come and go. I desire an emotional and spiritual relationship with her. THAT is what I must prove. And talk is cheap.

Honey- I know this has probably been very tough for you to read. It was tough for me to write. I have answers to whatever question you may have. I am an open book. I am broken, I have no ego right now. There is nothing for me to hide anymore. If you want details, I’ll give details. If you want generalities I can do that too.

This blog isn;t for you. It isn’t for me. It is for us. I will be documenting my progress along with your progress. Eventually I will get to report OUR progress.

I promise that I will not post this on facebook. I will keep EVERYTHING private in that names and locations or even specific descriptions will never be used.

I am writing this as an outlet for my feelings. Since I truly have none to talk to, at least I can get these feelings out of my mind.

I anticipate that much of this post will cause pain. It was not intended to hurt. It was intended to give you information in an emotionless way. No crying from my end when you read this. I can only guarantee a pure experience by writing things right now.

I love you.

I will do anything to prove it and show you.

I want you to know how much you mean to me.

Only time and the work of God can heal us.

I can wait and I can give you what you need.

About MyJourney

I'm a 41 year old married father of 3. I am a sex addict. This blog is to document my progress, recovery and marital growth. Pornography is an evil creation. Let my experiences serve as a warning to all.
This entry was posted in Coming clean, Progress and tagged , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

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