She let me hold her.
At first I thought it was because our room was chilly and maybe that’s true. But it happened.
Sometime during the night, I snuggled up to her and wrapped her up with my arms. That’s how I woke up this morning.
I got up to take care of my daily urinary duties and came back to bed. She was still there. In weeks past, when I had tried to snuggle up, she shot out of the bed like a rocket when I went to pee. I’m probably reading into that, but my mind says she was trying to get away so she wouldn’t have to tell me she didn’t want to be snuggled.
That wasn’t the case this morning.
I climbed back into bed and wrapped my arms around her again. In fact, I rubbed on her back UNDER HER SHIRT!!!
My mind was racing.
I was so happy and so excited.
I kept thinking back to our marriage therapist when she would tell us to have Non Sexual Affection (NSA). “Have contact with no expectations. If there is no sex, great. If sex happens, great. The point is you are initiating contact without the expectation of sexual intimacy.”
That happened this morning!!!
Is it possible we are coming back together?
Is healing taking place?
Is the 2ish weeks of mental calm what she needed to get to a place where she can possibly trust me?
I DO know she’s far more relaxed around me. She doesn’t seem to tense up whenever I walk into the room now. At least I can’t see it if she does. She doesn’t bail out or try to get away from me whenever I try to embrace or kiss her.
Things are working out.
All I have to do is to remain steadfast in my efforts. I cannot give up or fall into the feeling sorry for myself trap.
I find myself going through the same situation time after time. The result is never changing. It’s as if I’m being tested and I fail every time, only to be sent around again and again until I learn the lesson. I see this as a message from God.
LEARN FROM YOUR MISTAKES AND FAILURES. USE YOUR BRAIN.
There’s the obligatory cycle imagery I must refer to now. People like me that are stuck in the cycle must find a way OUT of said torturous cycle. No other person on earth can do it for us. There are some who can provide guidance or assistance, maybe even point the way, but it’s up to
us me to actually bust out of the cycle.
That’s where I find myself now.
I’m looking for the way out of the cycle. My Wife has provided me with hope today. Wether intentionally or not, be it easy or difficult for her, she did it. I can NEVER repay her for that. My Wife, My Beautiful Bride, put herself out on that uncomfortable limb this morning.
My prayer is that I can stay on this relatively level track and keep her happy that she went out on that limb. I want her courage to be rewarded this time. She deserves that.
Today was a great day.