I received a tremendous comment from a reader today in response to my last post. This comment has completely changed my outlook on My Wife and our marriage.
Her walls are up and is likely waiting for the next turbulence to arise. She seems to have disconnected herself from things in order to deal with the pain. Females don’t really ask for much, we just want to be the only one and the apple of your eye and thoughts.
There’s a LOT going on in that excerpt of the comment.
“Her walls are up and is likely waiting for the next turbulence to arise.”
There’s no doubt about this. I hadn’t thought of it in those terms, even though My Wife has used the exact phrase. She is totally protecting herself.
“She seems to have disconnected herself from things in order to deal with the pain.”
Again, I hadn’t considered this. I ask why she won’t even try to meet my needs of touch. It’s because she can’t do it. She said so herself. I didn’t understand why and when I asked what she meant, she couldn’t answer. I assumed she was being a jerk to me.
She truly CAN’T do it.
In order to protect herself from the pain I continually cause her, she has to cut off any and all possible emotional interactions with me. She enjoys touch too. She would be affected by a physical relationship emotionally too. That would only intensify her pain.
THAT makes a whole lot of sense.
“Females don’t really ask for much, we just want to be the only one and the apple of your eye and thoughts.”
The toughest part of the comment.
The years of porn usage.
The months of me dragging her through the mud on my blog.
I have shown her, time and again, absolute and complete disrespect by complaining, bitching and moaning about things I don’t like.
She tells me, over and over, how much she hates that. THAT is why she complains about my blog. It isn’t that I’m expressing myself. It’s that my expression has been almost exclusively about her and 99% of that has been exceedingly negative.
My previous post posed the question:
How do I meet her needs?
I have the answer, at least part of the answer.
Show her respect and honor.
I ask her, no, I’ve been demanding respect from her. Yet I have the audacity to come on this blog and blast her like she’s some kind of monster.
She’s NOT a monster.
She’s the most beautiful woman in the world. She’s unbelievably smart, loving, caring, charitable, empathetic, responsible, witty, charming, talented, funny and for some reason, she loves me.
In SPITE of all of my jackassery and bitching, she STILL wants to be married to me.
It’s time for me to learn a lesson.
My Wife tells me she’s tired of being bitched about on my blog.
Maybe I should listen to her and do something about it.
It’s time for me to worry about me and stop blaming her for all of my problems.
My Wife didn’t cause this mess.
My Wife isn’t responsible for cleaning it up. I did and I am.
The last part of the comment that hits home.
“If she means everything to you then keep your sleeves rolled up and fight like you e never fought before. She may be silent but one thing’s for certain. She’s watching and listening to everything even if you think she isn’t.”
I am going to fight for her. I am going to fight for our marriage. I’m tired of the pain. I’m tired of seeing her act the way she does around me. I’m the only person who can fix that.
Why won’t you get counseling?
‘I don’t want to.’
There’s a reason for that now that I think on it. Why bother? Why would she put herself through the pain and torment of counseling when I’m the one who needs to change the most.
Essentially, I’ve been asking her to do the most work so I can change the least. Not gonna happen.
The 12 Step concept states:
“Half measures avail us nothing.”
The translation of that- If you’re waiting for an easy recovery, you’re going to be waiting a very long time.
Our marriage is broken and I’m the one who broke it. I have been trying to skate by as easily as possible.
Time to get to work.