Half Measures Avail Us Nothing

I received a tremendous comment from a reader today in response to my last post. This comment has completely changed my outlook on My Wife and our marriage.

Her walls are up and is likely waiting for the next turbulence to arise. She seems to have disconnected herself from things in order to deal with the pain. Females don’t really ask for much, we just want to be the only one and the apple of your eye and thoughts.

There’s a LOT going on in that excerpt of the comment.

“Her walls are up and is likely waiting for the next turbulence to arise.”
There’s no doubt about this. I hadn’t thought of it in those terms, even though My Wife has used the exact phrase. She is totally protecting herself.

“She seems to have disconnected herself from things in order to deal with the pain.”
Again, I hadn’t considered this. I ask why she won’t even try to meet my needs of touch. It’s because she can’t do it. She said so herself. I didn’t understand why and when I asked what she meant, she couldn’t answer. I assumed she was being a jerk to me.

She wasn’t.
She truly CAN’T do it.
In order to protect herself from the pain I continually cause her, she has to cut off any and all possible emotional interactions with me. She enjoys touch too. She would be affected by a physical relationship emotionally too. That would only intensify her pain.

THAT makes a whole lot of sense.

“Females don’t really ask for much, we just want to be the only one and the apple of your eye and thoughts.”
The toughest part of the comment.

The years of porn usage.
The months of me dragging her through the mud on my blog.

I have shown her, time and again, absolute and complete disrespect by complaining, bitching and moaning about things I don’t like.

She tells me, over and over, how much she hates that. THAT is why she complains about my blog. It isn’t that I’m expressing myself. It’s that my expression has been almost exclusively about her and 99% of that has been exceedingly negative.

My previous post posed the question:
How do I meet her needs?

I have the answer, at least part of the answer.

Show her respect and honor.

I ask her, no, I’ve been demanding respect from her. Yet I have the audacity to come on this blog and blast her like she’s some kind of monster.

She’s NOT a monster.
She’s the most beautiful woman in the world. She’s unbelievably smart, loving, caring, charitable, empathetic, responsible, witty, charming, talented, funny and for some reason, she loves me.

In SPITE of all of my jackassery and bitching, she STILL wants to be married to me.

It’s time for me to learn a lesson.
My Wife tells me she’s tired of being bitched about on my blog.
Maybe I should listen to her and do something about it.

It’s time for me to worry about me and stop blaming her for all of my problems.

My Wife didn’t cause this mess.
My Wife isn’t responsible for cleaning it up. I did and I am.

The last part of the comment that hits home.

“If she means everything to you then keep your sleeves rolled up and fight like you e never fought before. She may be silent but one thing’s for certain. She’s watching and listening to everything even if you think she isn’t.”

I am going to fight for her. I am going to fight for our marriage. I’m tired of the pain. I’m tired of seeing her act the way she does around me. I’m the only person who can fix that.

Why won’t you get counseling?
‘I don’t want to.’
There’s a reason for that now that I think on it. Why bother? Why would she put herself through the pain and torment of counseling when I’m the one who needs to change the most.

Essentially, I’ve been asking her to do the most work so I can change the least. Not gonna happen.

The 12 Step concept states:
“Half measures avail us nothing.”
The translation of that- If you’re waiting for an easy recovery, you’re going to be waiting a very long time.

Our marriage is broken and I’m the one who broke it. I have been trying to skate by as easily as possible.

Time to get to work.

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About MyJourney

I'm a 41 year old married father of 3. I am a sex addict. This blog is to document my progress, recovery and marital growth. Pornography is an evil creation. Let my experiences serve as a warning to all.
This entry was posted in Amends, Marriage Issues, Recovery, Relationship and tagged , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

5 Responses to Half Measures Avail Us Nothing

  1. steph says:

    Half measures,

    I wasn’t sure how you would take my response but I’m glad to see you put some thought into it.
    I would like to say something about counseling. I’ve done it and I’ve been to meetings to learn how to cope and deal with the pain. I’ve been to counseling. I was told by my counseling to leave him. I didn’t do that because I love him. I hate the pain but I love those small moments of when he was attentive to me and when he was sorry for the things he’s done. Those moments were very far and few. I’ve hung on. It appears that you may have never worked at a relationship due to the bad habits of lies and betrayal that has filled your head from Porn sites that promised happiness and pleasure to only leave you with shame and guilt. Now that things have hit rock bottom the frustration has kicked in.
    You can’t do this by yourself and need to reach out to different support groups. You’re probably not a bad person. You got caught up in Satan’s playland. The focus that you have on your wife is a good start but you can’t focus on her because her hurt is focused around you. Start tomorrow with what you did to correct you and keep going. Starting is the hardest part of this challenge. Your wife want to see your changes, not hear them. Words mean nothing to us, only actions. Lock up your computer in a closet. Stop watching bad movies and commercials and go for a walk with your wife even if there’s nothing to say. Start admitting exactly what you’ve done. The women already know a good majority of it and the way we sit it is that we have offered you nothing but love and you have mentally cheated on me with everybody. That’s how we see it. The pain is deep and it will take your wife longer to recover so every demand you make is pushing her further away. Her hurt is teal. Her tears are real. The loneliness is real. So help yourself to getting better and start talking about you and less of her and she will hear everything you’re daying. Please believe me on this. You will walk into the house and she’s angry for no reason but the reason is locked up inside and she won’t talk until you’ve started your change. One day at a time. I was ready to walk out 25 weeks ago until my man started his challenge. I’m happy to see his small change but everything still lingers and will for a while.

  2. steph says:

    Half measures,

    I wasn’t sure how you would take my response but I’m glad to see you put some thought into it.
    I would like to say something about counseling. I’ve done it and I’ve been to meetings to learn how to cope and deal with the pain. I’ve been to counseling. I was told by my counseling to leave him. I didn’t do that because I love him. I hate the pain but I love those small moments of when he was attentive to me and when he was sorry for the things he’s done. Those moments were very far and few. I’ve hung on. It appears that you may have never worked at a relationship due to the bad habits of lies and betrayal that has filled your head from Porn sites that promised happiness and pleasure to only leave you with shame and guilt. Now that things have hit rock bottom the frustration has kicked in.
    You can’t do this by yourself and need to reach out to different support groups. You’re probably not a bad person. You got caught up in Satan’s playland. The focus that you have on your wife is a good start but you can’t focus on her because her hurt is focused around you. Start tomorrow with what you did to correct you and keep going. Starting is the hardest part of this challenge. Your wife wants to see your changes, not hear them. Words mean nothing to us, only actions. Lock up your computer in a closet. Stop watching bad movies and commercials and go for a walk with your wife even if there’s nothing to say. Start admitting exactly what you’ve done. We womem, already know a good majority of it and the way we see it is that we have offered you nothing but love and you have mentally cheated on me with everybody. That’s how we see it. The pain is deep and it will take your wife longer to recover so every demand you make is pushing her further away. Her hurt is real. Her tears are real. The loneliness is real. So help yourself to getting better and start talking about you and less of her and she will hear everything you’re saying. Please believe me on this. You will walk into the house and she’s angry for no reason but the reason is locked up inside and she won’t talk until you’ve started your change. One day at a time. I was ready to walk out 2 weeks ago until my man started his challenge. I’m happy to see his small change but everything still lingers and will for a while.

    • MyJourney says:

      It’s crazy because I know everything you detailed. By heart. The porn use stopped a long time ago. I’m extremely careful of what I watch. I’ve been through all 12 steps of the Celebrate Recovery program which are the exact same steps as sexaholics anonymous.

      My Wife knows precisely what I’ve done. We’ve crossed that bridge. She’s even forgiven me. Now we’re dealing with me as a person. Specifically dealing with my mental illness of borderline personality disorder.

      The mental health issue is the challenge. At least that’s what I think the challenge is. I know she’s dealing with my infidelity, that hasn’t gone away. But I know my mental health hasn’t exactly helped anything out.

      She and o are capable of incredible things together. I’m looking forward to seeing them happen again.

  3. Steph was spot on. But you also have to remember too, that just becaus she forgave you for your infidelities doesn’t mean that they aren’t beating the crap out of her mind all day EVERY day. So everytime she even thinks of getting close to you, she’s flooded with all that you’ve done, where and when and with who… with WHO. I know how hard it is for me, but I can only imagine what she’s going through. Its hard enough getting over your husbands infidelities with other women, but other men, she’s surely wondering in the back of her mind if she really is all that you need, what you REALLY want. I would be scared to move forward knowing there’s no way in hell I can ever compare with a guy.

    As for my own relationship, I can go days and even a few weeks now, (remembering daily but with a feeling of acceptance and that everything will be ok) but then wham! It all hits me again like a ton of bricks and I can’t bring myself to touch him, my mind fills with visions of my own of him with his AP’s… its really so very, very hard to get it out of my head.

    You have been selfish, but your finally seeing that now. We can hear how much you love your wife, but like Steph said, until you show it, she’s going to block you with all the walls she can.

    I know your walk is hard, but keep trying. Don’t gjve up and don’t get lazy. 🙂

    • MyJourney says:

      That’s one thing I’m highly aware of. Anytime I’ve said, “I thought you forgave me” (stupid, I know now), she would tell me that forgiveness doesn’t make the memories or the pains go away.

      Almost a full year of her husband beating her up, almost daily, telling her this is all HER fault doesn’t exactly help things along either. So this entire year of me moaning and complaining about how much this sucks and how I wish we could move on, it was essentially wasted on me learning that I was being a selfish .

      I caused the original problem.
      I compounded the problem by picking at it.
      I compounded it further by griping.
      Further compounded by accusing her of causing the problem.
      FURTHER compounded by refusing responsibility.

      All the while SAYING I was responsible with my mouth, but not actually accepting responsibility mentally or in reality.

      It was a pretty big dick move.
      Oh yeah, AND I was blaming HER for my mental downfall.

      Maybe it has something to do with personal/subconscious guilt?

      I dunno, but I’m aware now. AND. I have 3 solid days of humanity under my belt.

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