Not Giving Up

I cannot allow things to go down the path they have started on. Divorce and the destruction of our marriage is not what I want. As I sat next to My Wife at our son’s football game, I decided I don’t really think it’s what she wants either.

My Wife is a deeply, deeply hurt woman. I am responsible for those injuries. She lets me know that she stood by me during my times of hurt and pain. Even though she’s not helping me any this time, I have to believe there’s a reason for that. She repeatedly tells me that she loves me. I believe her.

I quoted from our vows yesterday. “To have and to hold, for richer and poorer, through sickness and in health, as long as you both shall live.” I was using that as leverage to get her to do something. That vow works in my direction as well. My Wife is hurting and in pain. She said it during our conversation. You act like you’re the only person in pain here.

I forget about others. A lot. I become so focused on myself and my own problems, I forget other people have problems of their own. My Wife is a people. She hurts and needs support. She can’t help me right now.

I asked her to go to counseling. She said no, I don’t want to right now. I have to accept that for what it is; right now.

I must become an agent of change. I must become the positive I’m looking for. She is unable to meet any of my needs right now.

Ok
How can I meet hers?

Right now, I have no idea.
The only thing I’m certain of is she is mentally drained from dealing with my roller coaster. The constant switching from utter misery to fighter or from helplessness to taking charge (like this post). It’s exhausting for ME. I can’t imagine being the person being drug along for the ride. She NEVER knows who I’m going to be each day. In fact, I can be a different person during the same conversation.

Yesterday morning, I went through no less than 3 changes during our 3 hour conversation. Hopeless and despondent, discussing my suicide to my needs as a person to fighting for our marriage. There was probably a few others I’m not remembering too.

I told her I need her. That I need her support and her love, especially when I’m at my least loveable. I can’t do it. I’m doing good just to survive. I’m exhausted and I’m having a hard time dealing with all of this.

So I have decided I’m going to re-start the Love Dare. This was something I had started as I had moved back home after our separation. One day I just stopped. I have to admit becoming lazy and testing on my laurels.

I have discovered our relationship is not in a place where one can afford to be lazy. Our marriage is in crisis and a major crisis at that. If it is to survive, it’s going to take work. I’ll be damned if it’s going to be said I was the one who gave up and threw in the towel because I got lazy.

THAT is unacceptable.
Time and again I have written I will do anything to make our marriage work. I’m going back in. I’m rolling up my sleeves and getting busy.

Somewhere, somehow, I need my needs met. THAT is a mystery to me. I am desperate for that physical intimacy only My Wife can provide. She is unwilling to work on that issue right now. Perhaps if she gets the break she said she needs AND she sees me working my ass off for her, maybe she’ll see fit to return the favor.

That’s what I’m betting on.
That’s what I hear God telling me.

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About MyJourney

I'm a 41 year old married father of 3. I am a sex addict. This blog is to document my progress, recovery and marital growth. Pornography is an evil creation. Let my experiences serve as a warning to all.
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4 Responses to Not Giving Up

  1. steph says:

    Hello.

    This is a very crucial moment in both your lives. I am in the same boat as your wife and the fact that you’re realizing the pain and emotional roller coaster ride is a wonderful start. Her walls are up and is probably waiting for the next turbulence to arise. She seems to have disconnected herself from things in order to deal with the pain. I can’t be sure, I’m only speaking of experience. Females don’t really ask for much, we just want to be the only one and the only apple of your eye and thoughts. It’s extremely tough being a female. We see all the other girls/ ladies our men look at and at times wish we looked like that. I used to get angry at my other half and the girls because of the clothes they would wear or their skin looking so perfect. I’ve cried until I can’t cry anymore. I’ve been that younger female, my skin was perfect. But now I’m me and I’m the only me that God created. I take care of myself but I’m just older and wiser. I can’t go to the beach with my man, I can’t go to the store with him. I can’t go through a drive through with him. I can’t sit and watch TV with him. I can’t have my magazines that I like laying around. I’ve lost my life due to his problems! I had lost myself. I was so busy looking for his moment of noticing me that I got lost right along with him. We never know what’s going to happen or how to plan anything. Why we in vision a vacation or a simple trip to the store may be like turns out to be the worst trip or moment ever. The daily build up of I’m sorries has no meaning left. What is the one causing the hurt sorry for. This last hurt or the hurt before or the time we found out about all this hurt? As females we can take and give but when we reach the point of stop giving and we look at you with withdrawn eyes that’s when the fight begins for the one causing the pain. I personally started taking a martial arts class and I kick and punch the living daylights out of things until I feel better. My walls are up and now he’s doing a 40 day sex addict challenge. He’s on day 5 and he’s saying and doing things that’s completely out of character. I actually saw tears in his eyes when he almost slipped from a challenge. I can’t imagine what goes on in his head. I’ve done research and have tried to understand for months about this addiction. I’ve personally given up. I’m tired and completely drained. My emotions are in stealth mode and I’m ready to be happy again. I’m ready to celebrate my life. If she means everything to you then keep your sleeves rolled up and fight like you’ve never fought before. She may be silent but one thing is certain. She’s watching and listening to everything even if you think she isnt. Good luck and i wish you all the best. Keep up the fight.

    • MyJourney says:

      That was beautiful

    • MyJourney says:

      I think you’ve nailed it.
      Her walls are up and she’s watching to see what I’m going to do. There’s a reason she won’t go to counseling. Why bother if I’m the same guy with the same problems and the same reactions? She’d be crazy to do that to herself.

      Thank you for this comment. I truly see it as a gift. This comment has opened my eyes to a new side of reality I had never considered before.

  2. Pingback: Half Measures Avail Us Nothing | My Journey Through Sex Addiction

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