I cannot allow things to go down the path they have started on. Divorce and the destruction of our marriage is not what I want. As I sat next to My Wife at our son’s football game, I decided I don’t really think it’s what she wants either.
My Wife is a deeply, deeply hurt woman. I am responsible for those injuries. She lets me know that she stood by me during my times of hurt and pain. Even though she’s not helping me any this time, I have to believe there’s a reason for that. She repeatedly tells me that she loves me. I believe her.
I quoted from our vows yesterday. “To have and to hold, for richer and poorer, through sickness and in health, as long as you both shall live.” I was using that as leverage to get her to do something. That vow works in my direction as well. My Wife is hurting and in pain. She said it during our conversation. You act like you’re the only person in pain here.
I forget about others. A lot. I become so focused on myself and my own problems, I forget other people have problems of their own. My Wife is a people. She hurts and needs support. She can’t help me right now.
I asked her to go to counseling. She said no, I don’t want to right now. I have to accept that for what it is; right now.
I must become an agent of change. I must become the positive I’m looking for. She is unable to meet any of my needs right now.
How can I meet hers?
Right now, I have no idea.
The only thing I’m certain of is she is mentally drained from dealing with my roller coaster. The constant switching from utter misery to fighter or from helplessness to taking charge (like this post). It’s exhausting for ME. I can’t imagine being the person being drug along for the ride. She NEVER knows who I’m going to be each day. In fact, I can be a different person during the same conversation.
Yesterday morning, I went through no less than 3 changes during our 3 hour conversation. Hopeless and despondent, discussing my suicide to my needs as a person to fighting for our marriage. There was probably a few others I’m not remembering too.
I told her I need her. That I need her support and her love, especially when I’m at my least loveable. I can’t do it. I’m doing good just to survive. I’m exhausted and I’m having a hard time dealing with all of this.
So I have decided I’m going to re-start the Love Dare. This was something I had started as I had moved back home after our separation. One day I just stopped. I have to admit becoming lazy and testing on my laurels.
I have discovered our relationship is not in a place where one can afford to be lazy. Our marriage is in crisis and a major crisis at that. If it is to survive, it’s going to take work. I’ll be damned if it’s going to be said I was the one who gave up and threw in the towel because I got lazy.
THAT is unacceptable.
Time and again I have written I will do anything to make our marriage work. I’m going back in. I’m rolling up my sleeves and getting busy.
Somewhere, somehow, I need my needs met. THAT is a mystery to me. I am desperate for that physical intimacy only My Wife can provide. She is unwilling to work on that issue right now. Perhaps if she gets the break she said she needs AND she sees me working my ass off for her, maybe she’ll see fit to return the favor.
That’s what I’m betting on.
That’s what I hear God telling me.