I Don’t Want To

“You have the solution to my problem. You can pull me out of this mess by yourself. You are the only person on earth that can help me. All you need to do is provide me with a physical relationship. I beg you, please help me.”
I can’t do it
“All I want is for you to go to that couch and snuggle with me.”
I can’t do it.
“You can’t or you won’t.”

There was a long pause.
I can’t say what I want because I’m afraid of what you’ll do and I have to protect my children.
“Please, tell me the truth.”
I don’t want to do it.

I found myself afloat in the middle of the universe. Alone and naked. There was nothing within a million miles of me. No light and no person to share a life with.

The woman I love, have been bearing my soul to and have been desperately trying to change my life for, she doesn’t WANT to have a physical relationship with me.

“Do you love me?”
I love you.
Do you want to be married to me?
I don’t know, but I’ll always love you even if we are t married. I love you in every way. I just can’t have a physical relationship with you.
“But physical contact, ANY contact, is exactly what I need. It’s the one thing that pulls me back into positive territory. Sex puts me on cloud 9. I’m not even asking for sex. I just want you to snuggle with me.”
I can’t do it.

I begged and pleaded.
She refused, flat out refused.
I BEGGED more.
Eventually she had heard enough and came to hug me for a moment.

It was less than energetic.
She leaned in. I grabbed her as if my life depended on it. She placed her arms on me.

That was it.
No firmness.
No grip.
No rub.
No warmth.
No emotion.
She simply touched me.

It was like I was some stinky creepy kid she was FORCED to hug in 2nd grade.
I’m her fucking husband.

I begged her to go to counseling.
I don’t want to.
“Don’t you see there’s a problem here? You don’t want to touch your husband. You KNOW the one thing that’ll make me better is touch, and you don’t WANT to do it.”
It’s not my job to make you feel better.
“Bullshit! It IS your job! You’re my wife. You’re supposed to provide me with comfort. ‘For richer and poorer, for sickness and in health for as long as we both shall live’ was the vow. That doesn’t mean as long as you feel like it.”

I asked for counseling again.
No, I don’t want to.

“You know the cure for me. You are refusing to help me because you don’t want to help me. That’s cruel.”
Now I’m cruel.
“You are. You hold my cute and you refuse to help.”

I begged and pleaded.

Please go to counseling.

“Even though your issue causes me immeasurable pain?”
It’s not about you. I don’t WANT to go.

We discussed divorce.
I proposed another separation.
It’s going to be a divorce though.

She won’t file because she thinks I’ll kill myself. She says she has to protect the kids. I’ve come to realize she has adopted my high school strategy. Be a jerk/asshole (or whatever) enough and the other person is forced to take action.

She does just enough so I won’t kill myself, but not enough to turn our relationship around.

Seeing it from the other side, it’s a massive dick move.

I moved my paycheck direct deposit into a new account today. I found a house within my means. I haven’t been inside yet, but it’s in a good location and I can afford it. I took off my ring and accepted I’ll be single pretty soon.

I don’t want this.
I want her to accept me.
I want her to want me again.
I want her to work on us again.
I want to be important enough to her that she’s willing to put effort into our marriage again.

If she can’t find it in her heart to see me as important enough to TOUCH when in pain, I have to bail out and find someone (eventually I hope) that will.

I’m absurdly devastated by this.
I can’t think straight.
I can’t sleep.
I’m a constant wreck of emotion.

God, please intervene. Please bring us together. I know you don’t want to see another marriage destroyed. Guide us. Direct our hearts and our actions. Help us, Father God. Heal us.

About MyJourney

I'm a 41 year old married father of 3. I am a sex addict. This blog is to document my progress, recovery and marital growth. Pornography is an evil creation. Let my experiences serve as a warning to all.
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