I Just Wanted To Experience

I’ve known it for a long time. I’ve thought it a few times. I just never knew it well enough to give it voice.

I need to actually experience the love my family professes to have for me. “We all care about you.”
“Of course I love you. You’re my soulmate.”
“We’re worried about you.”

Those are things that have been said to me. But when it comes to actually demonstrating love, in a way I understand it, it simply does NOT happen.

I’m fully aware that My Wife performs tasks, such as laundry, out of love. That is how she shows and receives love. That is NOT how I receive love. That does not give me warm fuzzies and/or a sense of security.

From My Wife, it’s not good enough to just be aware she loves me. I must have an experience. I have been told, repeatedly and from multiple sources, that she loves me. I have been told how obvious it is that she loves me; she has been given many opportunities to leave or use my issues as an excuse to leave. She hasn’t taken advantage of those opportunities.

When she became aware of my infidelity, all intimacy stopped. It makes sense to me. I’m not thinking she should have kept up some illusion or anything. I’m sick, not stupid.

I guess it just comes down to the coldness I’m shown. I’m told how much My Wife loves me, but when I try and engage in conversation, it’s like I’m speaking with a stranger. Many times I’ll be listened to, given a few seconds of discussion and then the conversation ends. Either because of time constraints, I’m not having this conversation or I’m too tired for this. Many times she’ll listen to me and offer zero opinion or feedback. There is generally no reaction and she maintains an excellent poker face.

I feel totally dismissed.

I try and give her a hug. The hug is generally returned, but not with what could ever be called warmth.
Again, I get it. She’s hurting from what I did. I really do understand that side of it.

She tells me that she loves me. When I mention intimacy, she says she doesn’t know if it will ever return.

I have tried to be super-positive about that. “I KNOW it’s coming back.”

It isn’t coming back.
That’s not how my life operates.
Once something is poisoned by my influence, it dies.

It is time for another reality check
Acceptance, comfort and love will never exist in my life*.
Others do not view me worthy of effort.

It is impossible for me to feel love and experience any semblance of normalcy. I am forever lost in a sea of turmoil. Happiness and peace are simply not a possibility for my life.

I want off that ride.

About MyJourney

I'm a 41 year old married father of 3. I am a sex addict. This blog is to document my progress, recovery and marital growth. Pornography is an evil creation. Let my experiences serve as a warning to all.
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