Another Discovery, Another Admission

We had a talk this morning, My Wife and I. Sometimes you make it sound like you’re the only one that has stuff going on in their life.

I guess so. My blog is about me and MY JOURNEY…
I do live my life for me. I do live within my own mind. I am most concerned with my survival first.

I don’t think that’s abnormal or selfish. In fact, that’s likely the one healthy thing I have going for me. I’m TRYING to take care of myself. I just don’t know how.

Some standard things were said:
I can’t give you what I don’t have.
I don’t know if I’ll ever be what you need.

I told her I just want to be made to feel like I’m loved.
“I need hugs and kisses and snuggles.”
I can give them to you, but then you’ll say they’re for the wrong reason and get offended. It’s never good enough.

Here’s where I stand:
I’m in near crisis.
I wake up each day, knowing My Wife doesn’t want to be with me in any way. She doesn’t want to talk to me because I’m depressing. She doesn’t want to be around me because I’m depressing.

The ONE thing I need, more than any other, is to be physically loved. Notice I didn’t say sexually, though that would work too. I am constantly seeking out hugs and kisses. I’m constantly asking to snuggle. I am NOT constantly asking for sex. In fact, I haven’t mentioned the term in any way or even made any type of move or suggestion since August. So please, don’t go off thinking this is sexual.

When I hug her, I receive robotic hugs back. When I kiss her, I receive robotic kisses back. When I try to snuggle, I am dismissed entirely.

When she was pretending to love me, physically/emotionally, I was in a far better place emotionally speaking. But then I found out she had been pretending. I flipped out and told her I don’t want her pity and I don’t want her to pretend.

THAT was a massive error.

Just like when I tried to go without her protection, I’ve made an enormous error when it comes to physicality.

I’d much rather have her pretend to like/love me and provide some kind of comfort to me than withdraw every bit of contact.

This lack of physical contact is, quite literally, killing me. I am unable to cope with my life as things are now. I just cannot go any further.

The big question, is she willing to pretend again?

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About MyJourney

I'm a 41 year old married father of 3. I am a sex addict. This blog is to document my progress, recovery and marital growth. Pornography is an evil creation. Let my experiences serve as a warning to all.
This entry was posted in Depression, emotion, Mental Illness and tagged . Bookmark the permalink.

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