I was visited by an angel this evening. My oldest son randomly walked in, moments after I had submitted my last post. That last post spoke to my despair and loneliness.
As soon as I had submitted that post, I began researching my exit strategy. My Wife was sitting on a chair, not 5 feet away, sleeping due to a migraine (I’ll give you one guess as to the cause of her pain). I formulated a plan and started to mentally check off the items I would need to acquire. To do it correctly, I would need to purchase a few things.
Tears were streaming down my face. I had just come up with my suicide plan and was coming to terms with what I was going to do. My Wife woke up and asked me something about our youngest son. I’m not sure what she said. I accidentally broke my cheep-ass, dollar store hearing aid earlier this evening. I couldn’t hear her and to be honest, I wasn’t exactly focused on what she had to say anyway. I do know she asked me something about him again and, still not knowing what she said, I said no. She said something I couldn’t understand (hearing aid is busted) and went to bed.
I pulled out my phone and started to find the items I would need for my task. Finding them, I made a mental list and decided I would pick them up first thing in the morning and get it done as quickly as possible.
In walks my oldest son.
We talked for over an hour. It was just idle chit-chat at first, but I was in trouble and I knew he was there for a reason.
I told him the story of how none of my family came to see me or even say anything to check up on me when I had surgery last spring. I told him how badly it hurt my feelings. I told him about my sister accusing me of trying to swindle the family out of money and how much that hurt. I told him that all I wanted from them was to at least pretend they liked me. Not love me, just like me. I told him how they won’t even do that. I told him how I’ve severed the relationship with my sister and how it means I won’t be attending family functions anymore.
He was shocked.
He showed me love and support and compassion.
Our conversation, thankfully, took a decidedly positive turn. I asked him about school and work. He’s doing quite well at school and hates his part-time job.
He’s having the experience I was hoping he would. A REAL college experience. Fun with friends, a great girlfriend and a job he can love to hate. Annnnd he’s doing well in his classes!
I’m so proud of him.
He may not know it, but he saved my life tonight.
I had sent texts to My Wife as she lay in bed asking her to help me. But I knew she was asleep and I know she won’t see them until morning.
God sent our son to visit this evening. I thanked him for spending some time with his old-man and how much it had cheered me up. We both had a smile on our faces as we hugged and said our goodbyes and “I love you” to each other. I know he’s aware he cheered me up. He’ll never know I was going to kill myself in the morning. Now, hopefully he’ll never have to.
I’m still in a very bad place. I’m still in an incredibly fragile state and in serious need of love and comfort. I just pray My Wife can make it through a few more days with me. Perhaps she will give me that snuggle or hug I so desperately need. Then we’ll cross whatever bridge needs to be crossed.
I just know that when she told me she was going to end things this morning so I could move on, I was a basket case. I don’t WANT to move on. I WANT to be with her. I WANT HER to hold me and love me. I don’t want it to be anyone else.
She is the only person on this earth who has any clue about me. She’s the only person on earth that comes close to understanding me. She’s the only person on earth with the capacity to soothe my fears and calm my soul. SHE is the only person on earth that can help me. She is the ONLY person on earth who can love me the way I need to be loved. She is the ONLY person on earth that I want to love.
I don’t WANT my needs met by anyone else. My Wife is my soulmate and my partner. My Wife is the person I made a life commitment to and she to me.
For better or worse, through sickness and in health, as long as you both shall live.
We BOTH said “I Do” to that.
I may have screwed up, she did not.
If I wanted our marriage to end, I would ask it for it to end. I believe I have a say in this too. She does not get to end this for my sake.
That woman is My Wife. One thing she is correct about, and frequently so, is that I bitch and moan and complain about her on this blog ALL the damn time. That is completely true. It is a shortcoming of mine. I really should keep my thoughts to myself. I should keep some of my life private. She is correct to say I drag her through the mud too often on here.
I MUST change this.
The subject of the blog is MY Journey. I guess I should remember that a bit more.