As we were watching our son’s football game, I mentioned that XYZ had happened in class this morning. Right as I was going to tell the story, she jumped in and told me a line of something that happened at school and turned away to talk to her sister.
She didn’t know that I felt stepped on and rejected. She didn’t know that she had made me feel insignificant. I tried to play it off, but I couldn’t. “All I want is to be taken seriously” kept rattling around my head.
Over and over.
When she cut me off, I felt like I didn’t matter to her. Like she had given me my allotment of words and that was all I would be allowed to use. My turn was over, it was now her turn. She deftly brushed me aside and confidently took her rightful place. One foot on my neck and the other on solid ground.
I KNOW that is not reality. At least I HOPE I know that isn’t reality.
A few moments passed and I told her I had been trying to tell her a story. “I didn’t know. You said something happened and then stopped. I didn’t know you had a story.”
I looked straight ahead.
She talked to her sister.
I could feel my head spinning out of control. I was entering panic attack zone. It was difficult to breathe, my heart was pounding and I could think of only how hurt I felt. I could feel my face and ears growing hot and my eyes began to sting as they filled with tears.
I had to get myself under control and I had to do so immediately.
I went directly to mindful breathing. It was incredibly difficult.
A few moments after I had told her I was trying to tell her a story, she asked if I was going to tell the story.
I didn’t respond. I was trying reaaaal hard to control my breathing and to maintain a positive focus. I was trying as hard as I could to keep from sliding off into darkness.
“So you’re just going to ignore me!!?
I don’t understand why, I didn’t do anything wrong.”
In my mind, I WAS trying to ignore her. I was doing everything I could to remain as calm as I could and then to calm that even further. I reminded myself I couldn’t change anything that had happened, only the here and now and to make the most of it.
After about 5 minutes, I was calm. I leaned over and told the story. She was as cold as ice.
I felt every bit as rejected as before. Only this time, I was unable to control myself.
My mind went down VERY dark roads.
If I died, the only people that would come to my funeral would be there to honor my wife, not me.
If I died, my wife won’t have to deal with this emotional bullshit anymore.
If I were to die, she would be free.
What does it feel like to die?
Does it hurt?
Are you lonely?
Would I be any more or less lonely than I am now?
If I were to die, my family would get a few dollars of insurance money. Would it pay anything off?
Would anyone even notice if I were to die?
Would anyone even care if I died?
My head was swimming with questions and thoughts of death. I even started having self-harming thoughts.
I wonder how bad it would it hurt if I ….?
I knew I had to shake free of that thinking.
I just couldn’t do it.
My mind continually returns to the knowledge that I’ve never been accepted or taken seriously. My own wife dismissed me totally out of hand at the ball game. She STILL doesn’t know how I feel about this.
I feel that I don’t matter.
I feel that I take up valuable space that could be used by somebody my family cares about. Someone they like and respect. Someone they’ll listen to and not just because they have to out of politeness. Somebody they want to spend time with.
That is not what I experience though. The interactions I do get seem to be out of obligation only.
I really want somebody to care about me. Not just tell me they love me and care about me. I want to experience it.