Day 8 A Place You Have Traveled To
this gets fucking deep
We took our kids on a vacation to the Gulf of Mexico about 10 years ago.
What stands out about this trip is happiness. As we drove from Oklahoma to Houston, we sang and played games with our kids. My Wife and I had conversations; laughs, jokes and we would make up new lyrics to songs and crack ourselves up over it. There would be sandwiches in the minivan and “I gotta pee!” coming from the back every 30 minutes.
The trip to the beach was tremendous. All day in the water, body surfing and building sand castles. We discovered jellyfish and tiny crab. We took a ride out to an island and watched the dolphin play alongside the ferry. We all went to a grossly over-priced restaurant and ate food that was marginal at best. I got a tattoo.
The family was just that, a family.
Since then, I have often dreamed of taking them on another vacation like it. We have precious little money and have never been able to do it since. I’ve been hoping I could do it within the next 2-3 years.
I have always dreamed/fantasized of the time when My Wife and I had grandchildren and they would come over for the holidays. We would be standing on the front porch as they arrive and we come out and the grandkids run to us and smother us in hugs.
Since I found out My Wife’s dream vacation is a simple cabin in the woods, I’ve been desperately trying to arrange a trip for us. I want is to take a week in the Rockies, far from humanity in our own little postcard. We’d sit by the fire and just enjoy each others company. Sleep when we want, eat when we want and get in the hot tub when we want. We might even decide to get lost or “lose our keys” and be “forced” to stay another week.
I’ll never realize those dreams.
My Wife WILL realize those dreams.
My Wife is a wildly popular figure in every aspect of her life. She is incredibly well respected professionally and, accordingly, she built a social presence off her success. She is unable to go anywhere without being stopped by someone. “Hey, His Wife! How are you doing!?” is often heard, or “Hey, Mrs. His Wife, I miss you!” She smiles, stops and chats for a moment. I am always upset by it; I feel uncomfortable and incredibly inadequate.
I am none of the things she is; I am the polar opposite.
She needs to be with someone that can meet her needs and love her as she deserves.
I am not that man.
I thought I was.
I hoped I was.
I prayed I was.
My failures as a person and as a man have held her back for far too long and it’s time for her to be set free. The pain and suffering I’ve inflicted on her, especially the past 18 months, has been monumental. It’s time for her to get the peace she deserves. It’s time for me to get what I deserve.
Earlier I posted that I just wanted to experience the love of a family. That does not appear to be my lot in life. My family of origin is toxic to me- any interaction only brings further pain and anxiety. I’m toxic to my family- interactions with me only bring forth pain and suffering to My Wife.
Something has to change.
I am the ONLY common thread.
I am the thing that has to be changed out. The thing I have learned, by experience and discovery, there is no cure for me. There is NO recovery for me. There is no such thing as “getting better” from borderline personality. There is only the pain and suffering that comes along for the ride.
At coffee with my father this morning, I was I formed my sister would be first in line to punch me if given the opportunity. That was nice to hear…
I have been noticing how my mind is focusing on my demise over the past week. I have gone from fighting against my demons to fighting alongside them.
The simple fact is, I’m done.
I don’t WANT to be here anymore.
I want to end my suffering.
I am NOT a loved and cherished person. I am NOT a wanted man. I am NOT one who will be missed.
I want my suffering to end
ANY way I can
I am beyond desperate.