As the week draws to a close, I have come back down to earth. My Wife and I have discussed the events of the past week.
I don’t think I can handle very many more of those types of events anymore. I know that of the kids were ever drawn into one of them, I would be forced to protect them. As much as I love you, I would have to do what’s best for them and for me.
I understood. I mentioned that was why I had instituted the improvement goal.
“For me to be able to handle these major activating events, I have to become a Zen master. That’s why I have to put so much force and energy into this therapy. Otherwise, my entire reasoning is gone. If I’m unable to get SOME kind of grasp on things, I won’t make YOU have to be the bad guy.”
It was a very emotional interaction for the both of us.
There have been some things I have had to come to terms with over the past few days and I think it finally happened this morning.
1. I’m a pretty messed up guy.
2. My wife truly loves me
3. My family of origin is simply never going to be a place of refuge and comfort- ever.
4. I will always need My Wife to serve as a protector (more later).
5. I must always be aware that My Wife is incapable of committing 100% of her efforts to me. She is human and that’s an unfair expectation.
A year ago, when we first began marriage counseling, I stated I just wanted My Wife to tell me the truth and let me know what was going on. I had always felt she was keeping things from me. I was right; she was trying to protect me from the realities of life so I could keep it together. She said she felt responsible for protecting me. My response was a I wanted a wife, not a protector.
THAT was unwise.
I do not have the tool set to look out for myself. Yet. Until that happens, IF it ever happens, which is highly questionable at this point, I need her protection. Without that protection, along with my acceptance of that protection, I will continue down the path of emotional wandering. She HAD been acting as a barrier between myself and the painful realities of life and I asked her to stop. She did her best to stop, but to her credit, she couldn’t completely do it. Thank goodness too.
I accepted this concept and Informed her of it this morning. I also told her what a blow it was to my ego. I’M supposed to protect her, but I need her to protect me. This is not the way things are supposed to be. Then again, my parents weren’t supposed to abuse me either, so there’s that too.
I need help and lots of it.
I need constant and consistent affection.
I need validation more than others.
I’m high maintenance.
I’m worth every bit of it.
I’m willing to give every bit of that back to others and more…whenever I’m capable. I care about others in the most deep way imaginable. Sometimes I can express it in constructive ways, sometimes not. It doesn’t make me a bad person, it makes me different. I’m a challenge to love, but it’s the challenges in life that make life worth living.