Normalcy Returns, Denials Dismissed

As the week draws to a close, I have come back down to earth. My Wife and I have discussed the events of the past week.

I don’t think I can handle very many more of those types of events anymore. I know that of the kids were ever drawn into one of them, I would be forced to protect them. As much as I love you, I would have to do what’s best for them and for me.

I understood. I mentioned that was why I had instituted the improvement goal.
“For me to be able to handle these major activating events, I have to become a Zen master. That’s why I have to put so much force and energy into this therapy. Otherwise, my entire reasoning is gone. If I’m unable to get SOME kind of grasp on things, I won’t make YOU have to be the bad guy.”

It was a very emotional interaction for the both of us.

Things Learned
There have been some things I have had to come to terms with over the past few days and I think it finally happened this morning.
1. I’m a pretty messed up guy.
2. My wife truly loves me
3. My family of origin is simply never going to be a place of refuge and comfort- ever.
4. I will always need My Wife to serve as a protector (more later).
5. I must always be aware that My Wife is incapable of committing 100% of her efforts to me. She is human and that’s an unfair expectation.

A year ago, when we first began marriage counseling, I stated I just wanted My Wife to tell me the truth and let me know what was going on. I had always felt she was keeping things from me. I was right; she was trying to protect me from the realities of life so I could keep it together. She said she felt responsible for protecting me. My response was a I wanted a wife, not a protector.

THAT was unwise.
I do not have the tool set to look out for myself. Yet. Until that happens, IF it ever happens, which is highly questionable at this point, I need her protection. Without that protection, along with my acceptance of that protection, I will continue down the path of emotional wandering. She HAD been acting as a barrier between myself and the painful realities of life and I asked her to stop. She did her best to stop, but to her credit, she couldn’t completely do it. Thank goodness too.

I accepted this concept and Informed her of it this morning. I also told her what a blow it was to my ego. I’M supposed to protect her, but I need her to protect me. This is not the way things are supposed to be. Then again, my parents weren’t supposed to abuse me either, so there’s that too.

The Takeaway
I need help and lots of it.
I need constant and consistent affection.
I need validation more than others.
I’m high maintenance.

I’m worth every bit of it.
I’m willing to give every bit of that back to others and more…whenever I’m capable. I care about others in the most deep way imaginable. Sometimes I can express it in constructive ways, sometimes not. It doesn’t make me a bad person, it makes me different. I’m a challenge to love, but it’s the challenges in life that make life worth living.

About MyJourney

I'm a 41 year old married father of 3. I am a sex addict. This blog is to document my progress, recovery and marital growth. Pornography is an evil creation. Let my experiences serve as a warning to all.
This entry was posted in Mental Health, Progress, Relationship and tagged , , . Bookmark the permalink.

4 Responses to Normalcy Returns, Denials Dismissed

  1. Domenia says:

    I can identify with no.3 and at the same time I feel sad for you. I hope you are able to find more support than just your wife because she will need your support too.

    Get a good therapist and join group therapy. I have a mental illness and it was becoming a lot for my mom to handle because she is not my therapist but my mother.

    we should never get one’s roles in our life.

    • MyJourney says:

      I started with a new TREMENDOUS therapist a couple of weeks ago. I have high expectations to go along with the high bill (he’s not on my plan). I had been going to Celebrate Recovery for porn addiction, but that simply does not fit the bill. I’m going to be checking into a group at my upcoming session.

      I agree, this can NOT fall on My Wife. That’s unreasonable and simply unfair to her. She and I both understand that, but she has always been willing to fill the gap as I search. I aim to make that a very small gap.

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