Descent

I’m in free-fall.

I noticed on Sunday afternoon as my wife and I were arguing. She had come in and informed me that my post about keeping score had hurt her pretty bad. I didn’t understand why. Every bit of 20 minutes went by as we tried to explain our position to one another.

I have to back up…

I had awoken in a needy place. I was in serious need of some hugging and intimacy. It was made immediately clear THAT wasn’t happening. So I went into my DBT work to cope with myself. Part of that work is to be non-judgmental.

As I’m chilling out, my wife sits down and tells me how she didn’t appreciate my post. I sat exasperated, not knowing how to react.

I had been assuming she stopped reading my blog in June.

Not a chance, she just doesn’t discuss.

I move from incredulous to angry to hurt to angry to deeply hurt and so on.

Somewhere along the way, I had a brief departure from control. My emotions shorted out my mind and I totally lost control of myself. I went into full meltdown mode.
Crying
Hyperventilate
Unintelligible words
Snot bubbles
The entire ordeal was quite a mess.

The thing is, I’m almost back to square one. I’m back to identifying myself as the sole cause of all problems in our family. I’ve also come back to the point where I’m supremely confident that if I were to disappear, the lives of my family would instantly improve and grow.

Kris, therapist, says it’s ok to own the mess I’ve caused. He also says I have to watch out now that I see myself as a burden again.