Pantheon Of Bad Days

In the Pantheon of emotional days, today takes a place of honor.

I awoke with feelings of love and a desire to show affection to my wife flowing throughout my body. This was not a sexual need, no, it was an emotional need and I was in desperate need to show it.

I was immediately spurned.

Thus beganneth an emotional day that will live in infamy.

I asked her to go to the hearing aid place with me.
“I’ve got stuff to do.”

I asked her to do this and that.
All rejections.

The time came where our obvious argument/disagreement was coming, so we settled in and had at it.

It sucked.

She told me of a post I had written that had offended and hurt her. I reminded her that she’s not supposed to be reading my posts. That doesn’t matter though, since she knows I HAVE those thoughts, it’s just as bad. Nevermind I had NEVER put this thought process in play before…

The damage was done
There is no UNreading something.

She was hurt by it. I didn’t understand and it took several minutes for me to get it. When I finally DID get it, it was as if I insulted her by understanding her. I do t get that either btw.

“You say terrible things about me.”
I do do that
I say those things and I don’t know why. I feel them at the moment I write them, but seconds later, I don’t think/feel that way anymore. It’s out of my system.
A lot of the time that is. There ARE some hanger ons.

But she doesn’t get that.
She thinks that if its in my mind, I always think it.
I don’t.

To cut to the chase here…

I feel worthless
My mental issues have ruined our marriage. My mental issues have ruined her ability to be intimate. My mental issues have so severely damaged our relationship, she won’t hug or kiss me anymore. When I am in need of comfort, I am given less than what she would give our dog.

Think about that.

I feel unwanted.
She turns from happy to visibly upset when I come around.
When I make the obvious, “Well, I’m leaving…” and I stand next to her and give the most obvious, “please hug or kiss me” hint ever known to man and she walks away….I am rejected and abandoned.

I am the root of familial pain.
Blah blah blah

This is where I start talking about how everyone is better off without me. In 3-4 months they’d totally forget I even existed because the pain I inflicted was simply gone.

I have come full circle back to the front step of crippling depression and all the “wonderful” accoutrements. I have returned to that, oh so fami at place, where I easily live and think on how much easier the lives of everyone around me would be if I simply disappeared.

I THOUGHT I had broken free of this hell.

I was VERY
VERY
VERY
Mistaken

I don’t ever get to leave this cell.
Every now and again the lighting is changed. DUMBASSES like me STILL haven’t figured out that we DON’T get to be happy. We’re stuck here in the mud and the shit.

It’s people, like my wife and kids, with normal ass minds that get to be healed of issues if they try.

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About MyJourney

I'm a 41 year old married father of 3. I am a sex addict. This blog is to document my progress, recovery and marital growth. Pornography is an evil creation. Let my experiences serve as a warning to all.
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4 Responses to Pantheon Of Bad Days

  1. It would be advisable to make your blog private or find another place for it. It is manipulative on her part to read it and be upset. She is pain-shopping and looking for justification for her treatment of you. If she were anywhere in a healthy place, she would allow you your privacy when it comes to blogging. She seems to want to put you back on your heels so that it keeps things comfortable for her. If you are (were) changing the dance and she wasn’t keeping up, it makes her uncomfortable and swings the balance of the relationship away from her. You don’t have to make sure she is ok. If you decide to keep this blog as is, and she decides to read it. YOU DO NOT HAVE TO DEFEND YOURSELF. If she wants to push you and pick at you, you have every right to tell her that you do not appreciate being treated or talked to in that manner. YOU HAVE TO TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF. It can and will be bloody hard, but at some point, you have to regain your self-esteem and self-worth. Yes, you did some terrible things, you have admitted it, owned it and are trying to work on it, but you can only take care of yourself. If she doesn’t want to recognize it or wants to play games and attack you, walk away.

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