Putting Therapy To Work

I began a new effort today as I actually tried to implement my new therapy techniques from Dialectical Behavior Therapy. The cool thing about this treatment- it isn’t about “the crisis of the week.” If you are in crisis mode, they make hospitals for that. If you are in a tough place, that is what the THERAPY is made for. Where the therapists I have dealt with, individually and maritally, have ended up failing is that exact thing. My WIFE could have probably gone with that mode of treatment, but I can’t. I need someone to tell me to shut up and let the therapy take place. ANYTHING short of that is me dominating the session and allowing ME to control ALL aspects of the sessions.
Not a good thing.

I was pretty happy with my initial efforts today.

From my DBT journal:
EXTREME fear this morning as I was prepped for my MRI.

“Why are you here?”
“The ENT is fearful of a tumor.”
“Oh, do you have headaches, dizziness, hearing loss or ringing in your ears?”
“…Yes, I have all of those.”
“Oh, well, we’ll get you taken care of.”
And in rolled into a VERY confined space with my head enclosed in a VERY tight fitting brace and I’m instructed to remain perfectly still for the next hour. Thankfully I slept through most of the procedure.

As I drove home, my mind raced over the implications of what she had asked.
Was this a confirmation of my deepest fear? Did she just let something slip that I wasn’t supposed to know?

Being who I AM, my emotions began to take over. BUT, I was able to catch myself and keep it together.
“I’m supposed to practice ‘Wise Mind.'”
Since I had gone into an emotional state, I went the opposite direction and intellectualized. But I knew that was also wrong. So I tried to force myself into the middle area.

Interesting to me, some things I have become to understand to be defense mechanisms began to kick in. I started singing, then I started drumming my steering wheel. Then I started tapping my foot as I counted beats (that’s an odd one…). A few seconds into each one and I realized what was happening. I had to seriously FORCE myself to focus on dealing with the issues at hand:
I’m in a very serious situation with serious implications. My standard reaction is to become HIGHLY emotional, assume the worst, focus on that and go into a depression. Somewhere along the way, I’ll come up with an overly intellectualized concept of the situation. I will do an inordinate amount of research, usually only the most negative information possible, and allow that knowledge to drag me further down.

Between verses of “Humpty Dance,” “Only Wanna Be With You,” tapping out S-O-S in Morse code and the drum part to “Hot For Teacher,” I was able to combine those feelings of Fred AND the actual facts in my possession.

Even IF a tumor is in my head, life is not over. Well, not necessarily now or, even if it WERE to end soon (dramatic I know), I have a crap-ton of stuff left to do.

If nothing else, my Wise Man efforts today saved me from at least a short term depression. I think it went more to a (as Kris {new therapist} put it), melancholy. I have things to teach and share with my kids still. I have a relationship to have with my wife. I finally have a job I love.

A thought my wife might scold me for came into my mind and I allowed it to stay a few moments (perhaps 1 too long). IF I did end up with a really bad diagnosis, this is a pretty good time in my life for it to happen. I’m finally happy. It would almost be like God had come around and cleaned up some of my messes for me.
• Marriage was OVER without a doubt this time last year. Not so much now. We have some genuinely happy times from time to time now.
• Relations with my kids seemed VERY shaky a year ago. Now I have what appears to be a relatively decent relationship, at least it’s far superior to what it was.
• I have rekindled my relationship with my sister.
• I have actually BEGUN a relationship with my brother.
• I have forgiven my parents for my childhood.
• I have emerged from the hole of a 5 year depression that saw me attempt suicide multiple times.
• I ENJOY my job for the first time in a decade.
• I’m happy.

So if God’s plan WERE to be that He was getting things in order for me here, that would be ok. It would suck, but I don’t think I could really go crying on about the “unfairness” of it all.

That was a whole bunch of writing to say I think I made a millimeter of progress today.

About MyJourney

I'm a 41 year old married father of 3. I am a sex addict. This blog is to document my progress, recovery and marital growth. Pornography is an evil creation. Let my experiences serve as a warning to all.
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