Support, No, No, Asshole

One week ago I began writing a post. It was a pretty hopeful one at that. It had been roughly 10 days since my wife and I had last fought and I was feeling pretty good about it. I don’t know why, but I just stopped writing.

As the week went along, my mental state dropped.
Like a rock.

There has been a significant development, for me, that I don’t recall writing about. I’m going deaf in my right ear.

This has been causing me unexpected emotional troubles, especially the past 2 weeks. At the end of July I was getting incredibly pissed off because my wife and her sister would talk and have a good time and I would have no clue as to what was going on. Now, at school, I’m incredibly frustrated more and more each day as I have to ask my students to repeat themselves or I have to accept that I simply won’t be hearing the information in whatever meeting I’m in.

Additionally I’ve been going through some pretty tough physical pain. I have chronic arthritis and there’s nothing that can be done for my pain. I limp, quite pathetically, around school. I sit as much as possible to avoid pain. My students have been great as has my teaching team. My wife and kids, on the other hand, seem to be constantly put off by my physical condition. Maybe I’m wrong, but that’s the vibe I get.

To The Point
My wife and I still have not had a fight. We HAVE, however, been on the very bloody verge several times this past week.

To most couples/readers this would be nothing. So what?

2014 has been The Year Of The Fight for us.

On Monday, my wife said she was concerned about ISIS and was thinking about getting her conceal and carry permit. I told her I thought it was pretty extreme.
Queue near fight.

Last night (Thursday), she had me read some Facebook link about the difference between ISIS and ISIL. I said there is no difference and the link is from an extreme, right-wing blog.
Queue near fight.

This afternoon, I give her my hearing test results (I had planned on keeping them to myself and I should have: I’m deaf in one ear btw) and told her I need hearing aids. I also told her that I’ve been told to get an MRI to see whether or not I have a brain tumor or not and asked if she would go with me (she won’t). When I texted that we have no coverage and that they want to charge me $7,000 for hearing aids, her reply was “👍😜👍😜👍”

Upon receiving that, I was a bit more than pissed off. I let her know of my displeasure.
Queue near fight.

About an hour later we speak on the phone, she starts crying…
“What’s wrong?”
Nothing…I don’t want tonight to be like last night.

Here’s the thing:
I’m scared shitless.

I have a list of fears and some of it needs some ‘splainin since I’m not current on my writing. I’ll hit that after this bit of catch up.

CatchingUp- Lightning Round
• I began specialized therapy for my borderline personality disorder.
• Wife doesn’t speak to me much- “Hi, bye, going to bed…” That’s really all there is.
• She stopped pretending to like kissing me last week. She doesn’t bother with goodnight/goodbye kisses anymore.
• Hugs and touches do not exist and haven’t for at least a week.
• I asked her to say something sweet to me the other day after doing her a favor (over text) and she responded with “Sugar.” When I td her I was serious, there was no reply and our communication that night was minimal.
• That same night, I informed her that I was actually serious about the sweet comment and still nothing was said.
• That same night, I told her that I REALLY need SOME sort of physical contact, even if she has to fake it. She rolled over and gave the fastest kiss in history. In her defense, I wasn’t exactly into it either.

Scared Shitless
• I am incapable of hearing most sounds on one hemisphere of my head.
• A doctor used the term “Legally Deaf” to describe me today.
• A doctor used the terms “tumor,” “MRI,” “Malignant” and “benign” with me today.
• A doctor told me that he cannot explain why a man, at my age, gets dizzy walking around like a man in his 80’s would and that we have to perform a 2 1/2 hour test on my head to try and figure it out.
• I sat in a booth and watched a lady’s lips move, as she spoke into a microphone, hooked to headphones, plugged into my ears and I couldn’t tell she was speaking.
• When I asked my wife to go to the doctor with me next week, because I’m scared, her answer was, I’m already taking off Tuesday for my eye appointment.
• My son was injured at his game last week and he was ordered by the doctor, in front of my wife (his mother) to not use his phone, and as we were walking out I told her I was going to take away his phone and she said, He’s old enough to make his own decisions and that she would not support me taking away his phone.
• The same son came in today, after not getting to play his game last night, and when I told him he was helping us move a refrigerator, he told me that coach said he can’t lift anything this weekend. “Son, you’re using selective doctor’s orders as it suits you. My wife, in private, said he needs to not lift anything like the coach said.
• Last Monday, when I said he wasn’t sting in the game, he said he was, I said he wasn’t, she said his coach would decide.
• I have been speaking of not having the support of my wife when it comes to our kids for a very long time. I can’t think of any better example than this situation. She agreed with the doctor as he was telling us what to do, when I was talking as to how I was going to enforce a portion of it, she withdrew support from the doctor’s plan. When it came time to decide if he plays or not, she went with the child- not the medical staff, which I wanted to go with. When it comes time to do something I need him to do, she wants to go with the coach recommendation.

Whatever side of a situation I take, it appears she will immediately take the other. She denies that when I bring it up. Apparently I shall have to document it. She will say I’m keeping score or You always have to prove that you’re right! I have to do SOMETHING though. I’m not crazy, but it almost seems like she’s trying to make me feel that way.

A Wet, Sputtering Splash
As far as I can tell, this latest phase of, “Oh my gosh! This hurts exquisitely bad” began the day after I abandoned that post I was referring to earlier. And, as I said earlier, my mental state has been on a fast track downward ever since. Today was a wet, sputtering splash, straight into the shitter.

I have been preparing myself for the inevitable time that she comes to me and tells me it’s over. I say that because this is EXACTLY what I was perceiving when she separated us in May.

The Most Hurtful Of Them All
My wife is in a really, really, REALLY, REALLY bad place right now. It seems that ANYTHING and EVERYTHING I say, think or do is exactly the wrong thing to her. I want, so badly, to be here for her. I am desperate to be the support she needs. What hurts more than anything in this world is it appears she doesn’t WANT my support or my arms to hold her. She doesn’t seem to need anything about me. She doesn’t seem to want to be near me or to talk to me. She doesn’t seem to want to lean on me in any way.

Addendum
I bitch about my wife. A LOT.
There are some who read my horrendous prose prattle and seem to believe I can’t stand my wife. They seem to believe that if I think all of these terrible things about her, how can I POSSIBLY desire, respect, admire or love her. One of her questions has frequently been, If I cause you all of this pain, why are you still with me?
The answer is incredibly easy: Because I love you.

* It’s BECAUSE I respect her I want to find out why she thinks the way she does about things.
* It’s BECAUSE I desire her I want to engage her in a more meaningful way.
* It’s BECAUSE I admire her I want to gain a more deep understanding of who she is and what she does.
* It’s BECAUSE I love her that I want to please her.
* It’s BECAUSE of all of these things, and so many, many more that I want us to be unified as much as possible.

I don’t expect us to EVER be lock-step on anything really. But I remember a time when we were pretty close.

My wife is my soul mate. She and I are going through some TOUGH times right now.

She is in an incredibly tough season. I will never know what she is going through. I don’t want to even imagine it. What comes to mind is a type of living nightmare.

The ONLY thing I can offer her, other than my support, a shoulder to cry on and arms to hold her, is for me to get back after it and start working my recovery again.

POST ADDENDUM
In my typical fashion, I feel much better after writing all if that.

I wrote a LOT of stuff that’s been rolling about my head and it has been needing to get cleaned out for some time.

My wife is probably going to be either really upset or numb to what she reads here. I never know. Sometimes she gets incredibly hurt. That’s another reason she shouldn’t read this thing. I write things to bleed them out of my head. She doesn’t seem to understand there ARE things I can type that may read real, REAL bad, but once I’ve written them, they are gone and forgotten for the most part.

Of course, I’m VERY confident I’ll be getting a comment from some incredibly pissed of woman telling me what an asshole I am for expressing my feelings. Something along the lines of, “How dare you think you have the right to say those things. You’re such a shallow, selfish prick that’s always hounding that poor woman for sex! You have no right to think about things in such a way. If you weren’t such an asshole for so many years, maybe things wouldn’t be so messed up. Have you ever thought about that!?”

5….4….3…..2….

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About MyJourney

I'm a 41 year old married father of 3. I am a sex addict. This blog is to document my progress, recovery and marital growth. Pornography is an evil creation. Let my experiences serve as a warning to all.
This entry was posted in Marriage Issues, Relationship and tagged , , . Bookmark the permalink.

2 Responses to Support, No, No, Asshole

  1. Did you get the response you were hoping for?

    • MyJourney says:

      Yes and no.
      We had some incredibly tough conversations over the weekend. Emotions were all over the map, for me at least. She was mostly down when it came to us. HOWEVER, we had some really good times yesterday. Smiles and laughs happened with no effort. Instead of me trying to force the issue, they happened organically.

      I wasn’t hoping for it, but I truly expected you to light me up. I was glad it didn’t happen. Generally I get incredibly pissed off by your comments only to realize they’re pretty close to the mark later on. Being the emotional wreck I was over the weekend, it may have been a week before I came to my senses instead of the typical 12-24 hours.

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