Touch, Hurt, Victory?

Last night I wrote a very heartfelt (read: terrible) poem about missing the touch of My Bride. It was brought on by an interaction we had just had, as well as the fact there has been EXTREMELY limited physical interaction betwixt the two of us for nearly 3 months. Aside from the occasional quick hug/peck that I initiate, there ain’t nuthin goin on.

Last night I took a shot. I asked her for sex. I have made ZERO sexual requests since I have been home (June 6, 2014) from our separation. I knew she didn’t want it and has no desire, but I’m a wee bit on the frisky side and was thinking she might be willing to…you know.

We had been in bed for a few moments. Instead of the normal dicking around for 10-20 minutes, I stepped to the plate and just asked. “Can we have sex?” No, I can’t. “How about a hand job?” I can’t do it. “Ok, can we hold onto each other for a minute or two then?”

:::silence:::

I had been on my side, facing her. After a few moments of silence, I knew what the answer was; another rejection. I rolled onto my stomach and lay there for a moment. Then the tears began flowing. Huge tears that stung my eyes. They washed down my face and soaked my pillow.

I have no idea if she was aware of my tears. But a few moments into my crying, she reached over and put a hand on my arm. THAT is the state of intimacy in our marriage. She touches my arm. It made the tears increase.

I KNOW I’m in a much healthier place than I was during and before our separation. Before those tears would have turned into weeping, wailing and gnashing of teeth. Last night, just tears. I felt myself come to the point of going over the precipice, but I realized it and retrained a BIT of composure.

If you’re new to this blog, that’s a major victory.

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About MyJourney

I'm a 41 year old married father of 3. I am a sex addict. This blog is to document my progress, recovery and marital growth. Pornography is an evil creation. Let my experiences serve as a warning to all.
This entry was posted in Marriage Issues, Mental Health, Relationship and tagged , , . Bookmark the permalink.

2 Responses to Touch, Hurt, Victory?

  1. You see this as a rejection of you, but it is also you rejecting her by asking her for something that you KNOW she is unable to do. You are so hung up on this that it will destroy your marriage. You seem to be acting like a spoiled child demanding sex and physical attention and for her to go to therapy. You are using God as an excuse to attempt to get what you want. “God says” “God says” God says” like a child stomping his feet and unwilling to listen or hear what the other person is saying. Seriously, if you spent half your time worrying and putting as much thought into your own recovery, you would have so much more peace. But you keep latching on to things that you can’t change so that you don’t have to focus on yourself. Find out what it is in you that is making you do this and change that – not her. You will never, ever, ever be able to change her. Only she can change herself. You are presumptive, disrespectful, dismissive, and un-godly by demanding that she satisfy/fulfill you.

    I know it is harsh, but you have been doing the same things for many months now with no changes. If you want things to be different, then make them different FOR YOU. She has her own autonomy to do what she feels is best for her including not going to therapy, not having sex, not trusting you. Maybe she has forgiven you, but that doesn’t mean that she forgets or that forgiveness automatically means she will trust you again. In fact, you behavior towards her makes it seem warranted to not trust you.

    • MyJourney says:

      There are some things in what you said that are on point. I am not, however, demanding sex. I am not demanding anything physical. I AM stating that the lack of physical intimacy is incredibly difficult for me.

      Last weekend I told her how the total lack of touch affects me. It makes me feel dead inside. Everything about me is communicated through touch. If I don’t receive that touch, I don’t feel wanted, need or loved. The problem is, her recovery is just now starting. She JUST told me that she feels that she is just now coming to terms with what happened and what it means.

      Now that I’m aware of this, I have a much better understanding of the situation.

      Demanding therapy? Yeah…I have been demanding therapy and that’s not right.

      You mention spending time on my own recovery instead of worrying about her. I wrote specifically about that a post or 2 ago, https://addictedtoself.wordpress.com/2014/08/26/more-than-words/
      I know it’s an issue, I’m working on it.

      Interesting you stated that trust and forgiveness are not the same thing. There was a time, even recently, I thought that they DID go hand in hand.

      Even more interesting is your closing comment, “your behavior towards her makes it warranted to not trust you.” That’s a very good description of, how I understand, our current situation.

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