It has been 11 months since My Bride informed me of her disdain for sex. I don’t like sex, I don’t want to have it, talk about it, give it or have anything to do with it. I was able to admit, eventually, that it was obviously due to my porn usage. At that point I still hadn’t admitted my addiction, I just knew she didn’t like it.
Eventually we entered marriage counseling which was an enormous failure. She couldn’t even participate. So we split into individual therapies. Eventually, we came back together last spring for another round of marriage therapy. She said she was ready know. We went 4 times and it fell apart and we ended up separated.
Over this past 11 months, we have had a tremendous ride. There have been dramatic upswings and even more dramatic falls. We have had some of our most intense closeness and distances during this time.
After this 11 months, there’s a enormous issue that continues to pound away at my head.
NOTHING HAS CHANGED
I HAVE entered recovery
We HAVE communicated a few things
But the major problems have not moved at all.
•She still has zero desire for intimacy.
every 90-120 days she might be
interested, but that’s it.
•We still fight like crazy at the smallest
•I don’t think ANYONE gives a damn
about my recovery or lack thereof.
•If I relapse, nobody would notice and
nothing would change.
It’s obvious we need major help. She is totally unwilling to seek it out. The majority of our fights, in my mind (for whatever that’s worth [I’m told not much]), end up revolving around the need for counseling and the refusal to go. I reached out to her father, she listens to everything he tells her, and he told me to talk with the pastor who married us. I tried to set up an appointment, but she refused. I asked him to see me, but he never got back to me.
I effing REFUSE to believe that God has brought us through (or allowed us to go through) 22 years of marriage only to see us fall apart like this. I THOUGHT God was against divorce. I’ve never laid a finger on her in anger, so physical abuse is out. I was unfaithful, but she forgave me of that and I have repented to God as well, so I can’t see that as being the deal either.
I DO know that I’m a mental wreck again. I haven’t been with a therapist since the beginning of June and I don’t do well without a therapist. I’m beginning a new therapy for my Borderline Personality in a couple of weeks, I just hired a guy last week. Hopefully that gets me in shape quickly.
I just can’t get over that nothing on our marriage has changed for the better over the past year. In fact, there are several ways in which there has been a significant decline. Just this last week alone we were twice on the verge of divorce. I don’t WANT divorce and I have no clue what she wants. She won’t let me in and she gives off no signals other than, “get the fuck away from me,” so I’m clueless as to her desire.
Saturday might, I told her that I cannot and will not be married if she will not at least attempt to go to counseling with me and I cannot and will not be married to her if she won’t at least try to be intimate with me. Well, you know where I am right now…
“No, I really don’t.”
And that ended tag portion of the conversation.
My old therapist, The Good Doctor, used to tell me how sweet life gets once you learn how to deal with life’s challenges. I thought I had started onto that path last June. I was very sorely mistaken. In fact, I’ve never been more wrong in my life. I don’t even know what that path looks like. I’ll never stop searching…