Pain To Chill

My Bride and I had a tough conversation last night. Things had gotten to the point where I couldn’t talk to her for fear of sparking an argument. It seemed anytime I tried to have any kind if conversation beyond, “how was your day,” things went to downhill immediately. She assumed I was instigating an argument and I was immediately injured because she assumed the worst of me.

I had gone to bed immediately after dinner. I wasn’t necessarily wanting to sleep, but I certainly wanted to be alone. I pulled out my trusty phone and composed the previous post. A few moments before I published, My Bride came in and put herself to bed. I published and tried to engage in conversation. “How was your day?” Why do you always wait until I’m in bed and trying to sleep to talk to me? “I was just asking how things were, you didn’t talk to me in there.” Are you trying to start a fight? “What!? I’m seriously just trying to talk to you.” You always wait until I’m in bed and my eyes are closed before you start talking to me. “I can’t see that.” Why not? “The lights are off, there’s light still coming in from the window from the sunset. You’re silhouetted against the window, I just see a dark shape.” She rolled over, pulled out her phone and read my blog. I never know what’s going on with you unless I read your blog. “If I tell you what’s up, a fight ensues or your feelings get hurt. It’s way easier to keep it to myself.”

In the last post, there’s a paragraph that describes how she treats me. Something to the effect of (paraphrasing), “… she comes home, sits down, ignores me and goes to bed. She wants nothing to do with me.” You see that paragraph? That’s how I feel!

THAT is interesting because I thought I had been making every effort to talk with her. Kind of. The last week of July, when she started her new job, was when the cold shoulder treatment began. It was then I realized everything had gone to the gutter. It was then that I stopped trying, it wasn’t doing any good. After the first few days of her blowing me off, I learned things weren’t going to change. She was a school counselor, that meant she was going to be slammed with crap until at least mid-September. I made the decision to steer clear. Eventually (3 weeks), I couldn’t take it and had to say something. That was a MASSIVE mistake.

For years I have had every single error, screw up and faux pas pointed out to me in excruciating detail. I didn’t like it then and I sure as hell don’t line it now. I grew up with my mother and father pointing out EVERY mistake, irrespective of how big or small, to me and they let me know how stupid I was for making them. Her I am, all these years later, and My Bride is doing the EXACT same thing. Every single time I do the slightest thing wrong, I know about it. She let’s me know about it, I find out that she “would never do something like that” and that she “can’t believe I would do something like that.” (I just realized this is a pretty big deal to me. I had no idea before now) So I see her doing something that I see as wrong and I pointed it out. I did EXACTLY what she does to ME anytime and every time I do anything wrong and, shockingly, she doesn’t like it. In fact, she hates it. Come to find out, it’s TOTALLY FINE for her and everyone else to do it to me, but stop the fucking world if I DARE do it to them. I’m a fucking monster when I do it.

I’m asking for a little fairness here. Is that too much? Am I being an asshole?

********************************
I talked with My Bride about this issue. It was tremendous. See, last night, as we were in the middle of our argument, I was hit was something. In my heart if hearts I think God smacked me with some knowledge and I paid attention. “I know our problem. We stopped praying over a month ago. This isn’t a problem between you and me. We aren’t each other’s problem. We have allowed the devil to wedge between us and push us apart and it’s my fault. We’re stopping right now and praying.” I told her I was going to lead us and be positive in our relationship again.

We were driving on an errand and I was, as I commonly do when really upset, crying. There were no boo hoo’s, just tears. Why are you crying? I didn’t want to say anything; I was scared is set off a fight. But I realized I had too. I told her about being told about all of my mistakes and failures by my parents and how it carried over to marriage. I think it depends on your point of view. Whenever someone tells you you’re wrong, you want to defend yourself; everyone does. When you told me I was wrong I defended myself.

She was being real with me. This is something I beg for her to do quite a lot. It seems I give her reasons not to sometimes.

She went on…
Whenever I correct…whenever I tell you you’ve messed up, you defend yourself as well. When I do it you say I’m “losing my shit.” I don’t see it as you “losing your shit” when you do it; you’re defending yourself like anyone else would. It seems you get upset whenever I don’t just lay down and take it like you were taught to do as a kid. That seems to be the difference.

She was making huge sense to me. I REALLY like it when we talk like that. Whenever we communicate like this, we work together incredibly well.

“It’s crazy, I thought I truly had my stuff together. I had forgiven my patents for all of the childhood abuse, but then THIS bubbled up and I have to deal with it.”
Do you see any parallel with what I’m going through?
“I do now. I totally get it now. I hate to say this because it REALLY pisses me off. That lady I was responding to the other day was right; forgiveness does happen in waves.” {My Bride agreed with her commentary for the most part}
I disagree with that part. I’ve forgiven you. I know I have. I’m dealing with emotions and feelings that have come up.
“Yeah, that makes sense. Again, this hurts my pride, but I actually see this from her point of view now. Damn it.”

{I still think she was being bitter and using me as a proxy punching bag for her husband though. That’s another post…}

********************************

Here’s where life looks like a stupid tv show. I learned a lesson today. No matter what experiences I have, they will never give me the same viewpoint as anyone else. I go through things that have an affect on how I think about situations. My Bride didn’t have my childhood, she doesn’t react in the same fashion because of that. In almost every conceive able way, that’s a tremendous thing. But once in awhile, when my messed up “training” comes into play, things go askew. She doesn’t know how to react to my irrational actions because she’s from a relatively rational home life.

Maybe this is the assume lesson. Always remember what happens to you and me when you assume.
It makes an Ass U Me.

I need to remember that sometimes.

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About MyJourney

I'm a 41 year old married father of 3. I am a sex addict. This blog is to document my progress, recovery and marital growth. Pornography is an evil creation. Let my experiences serve as a warning to all.
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