I was hit with a slow moving steam roller today. I say slow moving because I’ve been watching it approach for the past few days but was denying it.
likely going to sound dickish because I’m a man AND because I’m a recovering sex addict…go ahead and roll your eyes now and get it the hell out of the way.
Whence last I wrote, I mentioned my upcoming anniversary. For any new readers, a year ago, My Bride, for the first time ever, left me high and dry (sexually) on my birthday (July 22) and our anniversary (August 1). THIS year she didn’t give me the entire show on my birthday, just a 5-finger dance. My last post spoke to me being curious about our anniversary.
She had been at work all day but came home early. I had been cooking my ass off in preparation for our, “we have no money to go out with” dinner. I made braised lamb shanks btw and they were damned good. At the conclusion of our night of dinner and hanging out with the family, right as I was about to head to bed with her, she stops me in the hall. I hope you don’t have expectations tonight, I’m exhausted. “I DID have expectations, but I understand.
I did understand too.
She had been working the entire week at a brand new job in a new career. She looked tired. I get it.
I made the mistake of assuming we would have some form of contact the next day or so. That was August 1st. It’s the evening of August 5th now and it’s not going to happen. Come to find out, it’s not happening anytime soon either.
We separated on May 6th. It was a very difficult time, but ended up being the best thing to ever happen to me. I learned I can live by myself. I also learned how to not use porn and to keep from masturbating. I entered true recovery then. The time was also very good for her as well. She says that she found herself.
June 5th was our first official date. This date consisted of me coming to our home and watching a movie together. We had a very emotional conversation (I’m leaving a lot out obviously) and she asked me to move home. We talked more and, for the first time in months, made out. Even crazier, she took me to bed and we had a bit of fun. It was the first “bit of fun” we had enjoyed in over 6 months. A couple of days later I moved home. We did more than “have a bit of fun” that night. In fact, we did that several times that week. We did that a couple times each week until just before the monthly thing came back. That was the end of June. That was the last time we made love.
Since I’ve been home, I would venture to guess, we’ve made love a total of 7 times. That’s in over 2 months, after being separated and having a dramatic turnaround.
Our dramatic turnaround has had a dramatic turnaround. Sexually at least.
I brought this situation up to her earlier this evening. You could say she was less than happy to hear about it.
Here is my point of view:
God commands us to make love.
I am the spiritual leader of our home.
I am TRYING to do everything I can to be as correctly as I can.
I have made what were once unfathomable changes in my life.
My changes have been met with no changes on the part of My Bride when it comes to sexuality.
Sex is the glue that holds a marriage together but our marriage isn’t using any glue.
I had mentioned to her in early July that I’d really like to have sex. She reminded me about what my therapist had said.
“Martin, think of sex like cake. Some people really like cake. Some people like cake, but not very much of it, that doesn’t mean they don’t like you.”
Honey, I just don’t like very much cake.
This evening I brought that up.
“Last month you told me you don’t like very much cake. That’s not true. You hate cake.”
You’re right. It represents a very bad part of my life.
So here’s that steam roller I mentioned earlier.
My Bride hates sex.
I told her she needs therapy. I’m tired of people telling me there’s something wrong with ME. What’s wrong with not liking sex?
“You didn’t used to be that way.
But I am now.
“Right, and it’s a pretty big problem.”
Not for me.
“It’s a problem for us.”
This went on for awhile. The endgame is, she has significant trauma related to sex because of my past behaviors. I asked her to seek counseling. She said no. I’m not ready to deal with it yet.
I kind of feel like the victim of a bait and switch here. It’s like sheared me home with the promise of sex if I would continue being a good guy. I THINK I’m delivering on that, but she’s having none of it.
“No, I changed my mind. You did good and all, but fuck you… I mean, I’m NOT going to fuck you. When you’re LUCKY I’ll jerk you off. Now run along and be a good guy and when I feel bad for tricking you, I’ll eventually break down and be gross and jerk you off. Don’t you dare think about touching me though, it’s dirty and gross.”
She says she feels bad about it…sometimes. There are times where I believe that…sometimes. This evening she said I’m not doing this to be vindictive or punish you, you know me better than that.
No I don’t. That’s the problem. I THOUGHT we were past this when I moved home. I THOUGHT her “triggered” event was a temporary thing. Our conversation this afternoon tells me this something far different than the This shouldn’t be anything like the 6 months it was before. Not when she admits to HATING sex.
The thing is, I think there is a part of her that IS trying to punish me. That’s why she isn’t ready to address this yet. I have to serve my penance still and I’m nowhere near out of the doghouse yet. I think I have quite a few years to go before this is over, if it ever ends.
Really there’s only two ways of finding out. Either she gets therapy on a willing basis or God intervenes. Her previous therapy was because I kind of forced her into it with an ultimatum. She COULD have always backed out but she didn’t. She is supposed to be in therapy now, but it’s a waste of her time and money to tell her therapist that everything is fine.
Funny, she has a sister that is in obvious need of therapy to everyone that’s aware of her situation and we’re all pissed she’s not in therapy. If people knew of My Bride’s situation, they’d be equally pissed.
I need therapy in the worst of ways. Since I have a new job, I’m uninsured for the next month. I can’t go. I’d KILL for a chance to go. Alas, I can admit I have a problem that affects others.
Do you expect to have sex on your anniversary?