I THOUGHT I had entered recovery for my pornography/sex addiction way back in November 2013.
I read something back in May 2014 that said, “If you’re still ‘self-pleasuring’ you’re not in recovery.” That kind of hit me like a load of bricks. Since My Bride, our Marriage Therapist and I had all agreed that it was cool for me to take care of myself during My Bride’s celibate period. Sexaholic’s Anonymous states that, for the addict, any sexual relations without your partner is destructive. I completely dismissed that concept when I was briefly a part of that horrible program. I had no idea that it was a commonly held opinion. As soon as I read the article, I completely stopped the behavior. I think it was one of the best things I did during our separation.
Whenever I would buff the banana, I would use a set of VERY nice boudoir pictures My Bride had made for me several years before. Before, I had used pornography. The use of porn objectifies women. The use of My Bride’s incredibly sexy pictures objectifies her. Porn use is living in a fantasy. Use of My Bride’s pictures is living in a fantasy. So whenever I used those pictures to flog the dolphin, I was turning My Bride into a porn star. While that is sexy in a sense, and I know she finds it flattering (she even said so), it’s not healthy for me. If my addiction never existed it would be totally cool, but that’s not the case.
Last night I posted about how I’m now in the healthiest time of my life. I also posted about how now that My Bride and I are becoming an actual married couple, El Diablo will likely come at us with guns blazing. I’ve even, stupidly (I tend to do this), opened my mouth and said that, “Things are going so well, I haven’t been experiencing any temptation or cravings of any kind.” Yeah, about that. Come to find out, that’s a pretty stupid thing to say.
I have been getting turned down or preemptively turned down for sex quite a bit lately. It hasn’t been a problem and there haven’t been any hurt feelings. Clearly it would be cool if we did it a few times a week, but I’m not dying. Last night we had a brief, friendly, well, not adversarial, sex conversation. When it was over, we both rolled over. About 3 seconds later, some of the filthiest thoughts I’ve had this year came flooding into my mind. Thankfully I passed out quickly. This morning I had similar issues and I’m concerned.
What has brought this on? I haven’t been searching anything out. I haven’t been trying to think anything into existence. I have a really good idea and it’s probably going to sound absurd, but triggers are triggers. I live in Oklahoma, in fact, we live in the OUTSKIRTS of an Oklahoma City suburb.
Oklahoma is known as THE REDDEST OF RED STATES. That means we are THE Republican state. We are THE family values state. So when I write that a Hustler© store is opening up, it should actually be SHOCKING!! I was driving in Oklahoma City yesterday and saw the advertisement for said smut store. In years past, I would have stared at the sign, studied it, grabbed the address and memorized what they sold. Yesterday, I saw the sign and immediately looked away, but the damage was done. I’ve seen MANY a hustler magazine. I’ve watched a great many Hustler video. Believe me, that crap is nasty. There are very specific images associated with that brand. Hearing the name does nothing to me. For some reason, seeing the logo, the font they use and all combined with an attractive model, wheels start turning.
It’s interesting how triggers work in me. I don’t see things and immediately think “Must…jerk…off.” No, I’m a slow burn. I get triggered and I have issues hours to days later. I’m on the lookout for now through the weekend.
Plan Of Action
There’s going to be a crap load of mindfulness exercises going on. I MUST be aware of what’s going on around and within me at all times for the immediate future or I’m screwed (see what I did there?). I MUST force myself to follow my program: read my Celebrate Recovery materials, stay in contact with my sponsor, pray, read my Bible and keep busy. I need to be on the phone and try to keep myself surrounded by others. None of this is a mystery, it’s a willingness to follow through.
I finally entered recovery. Am I going back to the hell I was in?