What a dramatic turn of events! Talk about a rollercoaster.
There I was, all alone, sitting in the church prayer room.
You may not be into spirituality, I am. I’m not at the fanatic stage, but I hope to get there soon. Not in a Taliban or abortion bombing kind of way either, don’t be a jerk.
I had a literal weight upon my body. I FIRMLY believe that since I have re-established a relationship with God AND I’m becoming free of pornography, satan is doing whatever possible to drag me back down.
I was in that prayer room in really, really bad shape. I had to get out if there. I couldn’t wait for the pastor, the service had JUST STARTED. I needed help immediately. I did the only thing I could think of. I called My Bride.
“I need something positive to happen. A hug, a kiss, wing held, anything positive.”
What do you want me to do?
“I don’t know, I just need something positive. Everything in my life lately has been horribly negative.”
Are you asking me to hug you?
“I just need something positive.”
Come home, I’ll do it because I love you.
I drove to our house and got to our room quickly. I was lying on the bed when she came in. I’m here, get up and get your hug. I began crying like a school girl who was just told Justin Beiber was gay. Come here and let me hug you. I rolled over, sat on the side of the bed and wrapped my arms around her. She grabbed me back.
In her arms is where I had wanted to be for such a long time. Yes, I was boo-hooing. I nuzzled in to the most comforting place ever, right between her boobs. I don’t know why that’s such a great place, but anytime I go there, I calm down within seconds. How about this? We have all this work that has to be done outside. Since you’re hurt (my elbow is seriously screwed up), you supervise the kids and I’ll do the porch. Or you could do the dishes and cook lunch. Later on, we’ll hang out and go fishing. “Sounds perfect, I’m in.”
Cleaning the kitchen is my normal assigned duty during the week. I enjoy cooking too, so what? I took my rightful place in MY kitchen and commenced my normal job. I was actually feeling comforted by doing the damn dishes.
During a break, My Bride started a serious conversation. She talked about not wanting me to change, that she needs to heal after all of the stuff that happened. It’s like I have a of these raw parts of me and I can just now feel them starting to heal. She said that was exactly how her therapist had described it as well.
I was taken off guard by the next thing she said. I’ve been researching separation online and most separations last…never mind, I don’t think I should go there right now. “They typically last 3-6 months.” Yeah, I read a story about a couple…
She told a story of a couple that separated with the intent to divorce. They wanted time to cool off before they handled splitting up finances and the various logistics. Husband had even moved across town to his own condo. He would come over every weekend with a bottle of wine. They would talk about the divisions and drink the bottle. After a few months of this, they ended up in bed together. They realized they actually did love each other, the separation had worked.
She looked over and noticed I was looking off into the distance. I’m sorry if I made you mad. “I’m not mad at all. I’m upset, but in not mad.” You loom like you’re about to tank. “Actually, I’m nowhere near that, in just thinking. I was thinking that if we go 3 months…” I had to stop, I starting to get emotional. “If we go 3 months we’ll miss 3 very important dates to me. July 4th, my birthday (end of July) and our anniversary (August 1). If we go 6 months that takes us past Thanksgiving,” First of all, I do to think I’ll need 3 months even. If I do need 3 months, we can move our days around so we can be together those days. I told her that being separated during our anniversary but still going out isn’t exactly ideal.
I was surprised when she told me that she was really looking forward to me coming home. I had no idea. In fact, I thought she was dreading it. Pleasant surprise.
As our day came to a close we sat down and had a chat on our porch. This was a really nice day. I’d like every Sunday to be a family day. WOW!!
From the apartment I sent a text thanking her for being there for me today. You’re welcome, it worked out great! “It’s funny, but being under the same roof as you is comforting.” Good, me too. “Really!?” I feel happy and content. I thought today went pretty well. A few bumps, but overall well. WINNING!!!
What did we learn today?
I’m under spiritual attack.
My Bride does NOT want me to fundamentally change who I am (that was a shock).
My Bride looks forward to reuniting.
Things don’t happen as fast as I want.
I’m ok with whatever time she needs.
If I can have a day like today on a weekly basis, I can wait for her.