I’m at church right now. I was in the sanctuary a total of 37 seconds. I felt like the walls were closing in around me. Like all of humanity was looking directly at me. He’s the guy with the messed up brain. He’s the guy that screwed up his marriage. That’s the guy who can’t get shit right. It was as if the walls themselves were mocking me.
Please understand, I did NOT hear voices. I’m not schizophrenic. Maybe I did hear voices, because that shit sure was going through my mind. Ugh…
Is it possible that I’m actually losing contact with reality?Am I descending into insanity? Is THIS how it all ends? My last few days spent in contact with what’s left of reality are filled with confusion and horrible pain and the rest of my life centers on that? Am I going to be one of THOSE guys? Will my family be crying when they visit me at the home once a week for an hour? Will I be strapped down? Will I be severely medicated? Will I realize they are there? Will I ever have the feeling of being wanted again? Will I ever have the feeling of being desired again? Is it possible that those kisses 2 weeks ago are my final moments of true intimacy and everything from here on is pity?
You can see my mind can run off. My old therapist days “Don’t go down the back streets of your mind alone, it’s a dangerous place.” I wonder if he knows how right he was with me?
I seriously am worried about my sanity. I have thought about this more than I care to admit the past few days.