I am a child of God. I am created in His image. Irrespective of what I do, I will always be lived by God. Nothing I say, think or do can ever change that.
Something went wrong when I was cooking though. Somewhere along the way my mind was altered. This didn’t happen as a fetus, no, my alteration occurred during my formative years. I was forever altered by abuse and neglect.
Here I am today, that child of God, hurting severely and pondering what my place is in this world. I’ve been kicked out if my house. I’m left to wonder if only God can truly accept me as I am.
I’m in a pretty horrible state right now and have been all year. Roller coaster doesn’t describe my emotional yo-yoing anymore. It’s far more dramatic than that. At this point, even the slightest but of negativity causes me to crumble. When I crumble, everyone around me gets to experience my fall.
Yesterday I had a crumble in the middle if the day and ended up writing what caused the problem. Irrational thoughts spending too much time in my mind. I accept those thoughts as gospel and act on them or ponder them. Yesterday I pondered and it cost me in a major way.
It’s no surprise that people dear to me have a difficult time being close to me. Whenever they get close and I have an episode, THEY get lashed out at. The people I hold nearest and dearest are who I hurt the most. It’s almost too much to handle.
There have been times that it was too much to handle. I would rather die than continue inflicting this pain on others. That’s where my suicide attempts, pathetic as they were, had been born from. In tired of hurting others and not being able to do anything about it.
I’m told by those close to me how I hurt then. You do….Why did you…what are you doing…why are you….
I don’t wake up every day planning on hurting people. I wake up wanting to connect with them and have a positive and intimate relationship. That never happens. Despite my best hopes, plans or efforts, I hurt them. Every day I hurt them.
Knowing how I hurt people I live leads me to a question. How can these people love me? I’m living away from my home because of the results of this affliction. It has become a runaway train and I’m some dude, standing on the tracks holding a pillow in hopes of stopping that train. I’m a little overmatched.
The people I love are truly the only thing I have in my life that is positive. Their existence keeps me going. My existence is the very thing that makes me want to…I’m not sure what it makes me want to do. My existence is the most negative thing in my life, that’s for certain. I have to imagine my existence is the most negative thing in their lives as well.
How can I be loved?
Why would they want to be with me?
How could they want to stay?
What makes them even consider it?
Who wants to be chained to this?