How Can Someone Love Me?

I am a child of God. I am created in His image. Irrespective of what I do, I will always be lived by God. Nothing I say, think or do can ever change that.

Something went wrong when I was cooking though. Somewhere along the way my mind was altered. This didn’t happen as a fetus, no, my alteration occurred during my formative years. I was forever altered by abuse and neglect.

Here I am today, that child of God, hurting severely and pondering what my place is in this world. I’ve been kicked out if my house. I’m left to wonder if only God can truly accept me as I am.

I’m in a pretty horrible state right now and have been all year. Roller coaster doesn’t describe my emotional yo-yoing anymore. It’s far more dramatic than that. At this point, even the slightest but of negativity causes me to crumble. When I crumble, everyone around me gets to experience my fall.

Yesterday I had a crumble in the middle if the day and ended up writing what caused the problem. Irrational thoughts spending too much time in my mind. I accept those thoughts as gospel and act on them or ponder them. Yesterday I pondered and it cost me in a major way.

It’s no surprise that people dear to me have a difficult time being close to me. Whenever they get close and I have an episode, THEY get lashed out at. The people I hold nearest and dearest are who I hurt the most. It’s almost too much to handle.

There have been times that it was too much to handle. I would rather die than continue inflicting this pain on others. That’s where my suicide attempts, pathetic as they were, had been born from. In tired of hurting others and not being able to do anything about it.

I’m told by those close to me how I hurt then. You do….Why did you…what are you doing…why are you….
I don’t wake up every day planning on hurting people. I wake up wanting to connect with them and have a positive and intimate relationship. That never happens. Despite my best hopes, plans or efforts, I hurt them. Every day I hurt them.

Knowing how I hurt people I live leads me to a question. How can these people love me? I’m living away from my home because of the results of this affliction. It has become a runaway train and I’m some dude, standing on the tracks holding a pillow in hopes of stopping that train. I’m a little overmatched.

The people I love are truly the only thing I have in my life that is positive. Their existence keeps me going. My existence is the very thing that makes me want to…I’m not sure what it makes me want to do. My existence is the most negative thing in my life, that’s for certain. I have to imagine my existence is the most negative thing in their lives as well.

How can I be loved?
Why would they want to be with me?
How could they want to stay?
What makes them even consider it?
Who wants to be chained to this?

About MyJourney

I'm a 41 year old married father of 3. I am a sex addict. This blog is to document my progress, recovery and marital growth. Pornography is an evil creation. Let my experiences serve as a warning to all.
This entry was posted in Abuse, Agony, Depression and tagged , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

2 Responses to How Can Someone Love Me?

  1. It may help to focus on your inner child for a bit and get some healing there. I’ve been following your blog for awhile but I don’t know if I missed a post or you didn’t write a post about your past but you mentioned that you were “forever altered by abuse and neglect”. People abused when they are young tend to carry an underlying hurt, at their core, that also needs to heal. It’s a hurt they are yet to understand. Abuse and neglect at such a young age is very very hard to comprehend or understand because we don’t the life experience to understand it and see the whole picture.

    I took advice from a counselor friend years ago and wrote myself inner child a love letter back in 2007. It found it incredibly healing, freeing and comforting. It’s just an idea, I’m sharing that got me one step forward.

    • MyJourney says:

      That’s an interesting take.
      I think you must have missed a post in there somewhere…at least I think you did. Let me summarize:

      Mom was mentally unstable from the beginning. Before I was born she had attempted suicide 3 times and undergone electroshock several times. Dad was physically abusive to our entire family. I was molested at 12 by a family member. My parents berated me, belittled me. My mother would just LEAVE me at local department stores when I was a little kid.
      No big deal.
      I was a victim of emotional incest from my mother.

      Now I have the resulting mental health issues of borderline personality disorder and bipolar disorder.

      My inner child doesn’t really exist, kind of. Part of me has stayed a very little boy, forever and desperately wanting that childhood he never had. The other part is a 41 year old man with responsibilities. Put them together and you have a pretty big mess on your hands. There’s a post coming on this…

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