To End Or Not?

I began this blog on November 15, 2013. My first entry was a veiled story about being molested as a child. That one post started me down a very painful road.

The morning after, the conversation brought on by the post led to me disclosing the exact nature of the molestation. We were on our way to take a teacher certification test. After the tests, the resumed conversation led to her receiving full disclosure about my sexual addiction and the darkness that came with it.

This blog has led to some very important discoveries. The majority of which were insights into the thought processes of My Bride. Others were self-discoveries. The most important things I have discovered are the things that have been pounded into my mind. Over and over I have been told to give her the time and space she needs. Do everything you can to improve yourself. By improving yourself, you are improving your marriage. Valuable lessons I MUST learn and learn them soon.

My writings have not always been productive. There have been more than a few times that trouble has arisen as a result of my postings. There have been hurts because I announced an opinion or feelings on the blog before I would tell My Bride. I know that it was always easier to write the most difficult things and have her read them. That way my emotions didn’t get in the way.

Many, many, MANY times I will write things that rattle through my mind but I don’t truly believe. It has also happened quite a few times that I wrote something that I meant at the time but not 20 minutes later. Sometimes there is a bit of truth to what I write, but only a bit. Most of the time there’s probably a combination of those 3. This afternoon was one of those times.

Today I wrote about a power struggle. I don’t have any say as to when we reunite. I truly believe that. When I asked her how I was wrong about it she doesn’t have an answer. I wrote quite a lot more though. The biggest thing was that our marriage is a dictatorship. That was something I was feeling at the time, I don’t believe it, but I was feeling it. THAT phrase caused her to be very upset.

We had been planning on going out on a date all week. We were both really looking forward to it. That all changed when she read the post. About an hour and a half before our date she texted and asked if I really think she’s a dictator. I told her no and tried to examine myself, but it was too late, the damage was done. A 30 minute conversation ensued. I tried to move it away from the blog. “Let’s not talk about this anymore. Our night is supposed to be fun.” Ok, that’ll be easy. “Great, I’ll see you at 6.” Apparently sarcasm doesn’t come through texts well.

I proposed we postpone the date. She said no and said she would get over it. We chatted more and she finally asked to postpone. I was fine with the decision, I truly was. The last thing I want is z negative outing.

A few minutes after canceling I fired off some bitchy texts. “You told me to write whatever I want. ‘It’s you’re therapy. Do what you need to do. You need to write about things since you don’t have anyone to talk to.’ Yet somehow you have the audacity to get pissed off about what I write.”

There was a lot of back and forth. She told me that she reacts negatively sometimes when I call her out public like I do on the blog. I told her I cleat need to kill the blog, it causes more problems than it solves. No, it’s your therapy. “I’m killing it, there are far too many problems caused.”

Here’s where I stand right now.
• I want to kill my blog due to the problems it causes.
• I want to continue, I enjoy writing.
• I want to continue, I cherish the comments I get.
• I want to kill it, 4/10 posts piss My Bride off.

What do I do? She says killing the blog is irrational. I completely disagree with that. There is a definite logic and rationale behind my reasoning: stop hurting her. That sounds pretty reasonable to me.

Maybe I’ll write again. Maybe I start a new blog and don’t tell her about it. Maybe i forget this whole thing and keep writing. Damned if I know.

About MyJourney

I'm a 41 year old married father of 3. I am a sex addict. This blog is to document my progress, recovery and marital growth. Pornography is an evil creation. Let my experiences serve as a warning to all.
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11 Responses to To End Or Not?

  1. ForgivenWife says:

    There is middle ground, you know. You could force yourself to put a twelve-hour delay between writing and publishing. You could write an offline journal and use the blog for things you think would be helpful to others. You could limit yourself to posting only twice a week to encourage yourself to be thoughtful in different ways. You could limit your blog to talking about you and saying nothing about your wife.

    There are more choices than just kill it and upsetting your wife.

    • MyJourney says:

      Funny you say that. My therapist, My Bride, brother, sister, dog all talk about how I live in a black or white reality. It’s either all good or all bad. Great idea.

      • ForgivenWife says:

        Black and white are fine, but grey isn’t such a bad color, either. Maybe you could try to always come up with a third alternative, just to give your mind some practice with seeing that black and white aren’t the only two options.

      • MyJourney says:

        The therapist says my biggest job during separation is to learn how to live in the grays.

      • ForgivenWife says:

        I agree. Coming up with a third alternative is a good way to practice that.

  2. I don’t see how truly therapeutic a blog can be if your bride can read every word you post then get upset about your writings. Regardless of content. If you post something on a whim because that is how you feel and 20 minutes later you no longer feel that, isn’t that still part of the process of healing? Also, if she is reading your therapy and she is the main component of that process, you will never really feel like you can say what your heart/mind/soul/anger/joy/self wants to say because you know that she is reading. This automatically changes your free will. I could not imagine telling my partner to have a blog to use as an outlet for therapy and then get upset with him if he posts something about me I do not feel appropriate. How is that helping? You may be better letting this blog go and attending a support group or something where you can truly express your emotions, not matter how irrational. Sorry to be so blunt, but I have been an avid reader and I understand certain aspects of your pain since I struggle with similar issues (my apologies to your Bride, I mean no disrespect).

    • MyJourney says:

      I seriously doubt she would take offense to that.

      I go to 12 step meetings. Expressing emotions is verboten in those things. You tell how things are going for you and that’s it. Do NOT pour out your emotions, no way no how is that to be done. There is far to great a risk you might trigger someone.

      • I have been to the 12 step programs here where I live and that is all they do. I felt so uncomfortable that I have yet to return. I am sorry, I think that in order to truly heal you need to be able to have access to full expression.

      • MyJourney says:

        I guess that’s why our meetings have that in place. It’s an unspoken rule. I started to unload at one of my first meetings and the leader was shaking his head. After the meeting he said not to do that.

        I agree that full expression is part if healing.

    • MyJourney says:

      Her solution is for me to password each post. I started doing that with posts I thought she could find problematic. I put the password in the title so those who want to read it can. She reads them anyway. My solution is she doesn’t read any of my blog.

      I don’t get to listen into her therapy. I don’t get to respond to what she says about me in her therapy. In fact, she gets pissed off if I ask her questions about her therapy. Yet she has no problem reading my blog. “Did you read my blog today?” ‘I read it everyday.’

      Here’s the thing, I don’t mind her reading it. I would share everything about my therapy sessions with her if she wanted me to. She knows I say some incredibly tough things in here, yet she comes back multiple times a day.

    • MyJourney says:

      There were several times I caught myself censoring myself. We had no disagreements over content and I got nothing out of my writing.

      I write specifically to blow off steam so I don’t bring it into our lives. Many, many times I get taken to task by my readers. I actually enjoy that. It forces me to consider a different viewpoint.

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