I began this blog on November 15, 2013. My first entry was a veiled story about being molested as a child. That one post started me down a very painful road.
The morning after, the conversation brought on by the post led to me disclosing the exact nature of the molestation. We were on our way to take a teacher certification test. After the tests, the resumed conversation led to her receiving full disclosure about my sexual addiction and the darkness that came with it.
This blog has led to some very important discoveries. The majority of which were insights into the thought processes of My Bride. Others were self-discoveries. The most important things I have discovered are the things that have been pounded into my mind. Over and over I have been told to give her the time and space she needs. Do everything you can to improve yourself. By improving yourself, you are improving your marriage. Valuable lessons I MUST learn and learn them soon.
My writings have not always been productive. There have been more than a few times that trouble has arisen as a result of my postings. There have been hurts because I announced an opinion or feelings on the blog before I would tell My Bride. I know that it was always easier to write the most difficult things and have her read them. That way my emotions didn’t get in the way.
Many, many, MANY times I will write things that rattle through my mind but I don’t truly believe. It has also happened quite a few times that I wrote something that I meant at the time but not 20 minutes later. Sometimes there is a bit of truth to what I write, but only a bit. Most of the time there’s probably a combination of those 3. This afternoon was one of those times.
Today I wrote about a power struggle. I don’t have any say as to when we reunite. I truly believe that. When I asked her how I was wrong about it she doesn’t have an answer. I wrote quite a lot more though. The biggest thing was that our marriage is a dictatorship. That was something I was feeling at the time, I don’t believe it, but I was feeling it. THAT phrase caused her to be very upset.
We had been planning on going out on a date all week. We were both really looking forward to it. That all changed when she read the post. About an hour and a half before our date she texted and asked if I really think she’s a dictator. I told her no and tried to examine myself, but it was too late, the damage was done. A 30 minute conversation ensued. I tried to move it away from the blog. “Let’s not talk about this anymore. Our night is supposed to be fun.” Ok, that’ll be easy. “Great, I’ll see you at 6.” Apparently sarcasm doesn’t come through texts well.
I proposed we postpone the date. She said no and said she would get over it. We chatted more and she finally asked to postpone. I was fine with the decision, I truly was. The last thing I want is z negative outing.
A few minutes after canceling I fired off some bitchy texts. “You told me to write whatever I want. ‘It’s you’re therapy. Do what you need to do. You need to write about things since you don’t have anyone to talk to.’ Yet somehow you have the audacity to get pissed off about what I write.”
There was a lot of back and forth. She told me that she reacts negatively sometimes when I call her out public like I do on the blog. I told her I cleat need to kill the blog, it causes more problems than it solves. No, it’s your therapy. “I’m killing it, there are far too many problems caused.”
Here’s where I stand right now.
• I want to kill my blog due to the problems it causes.
• I want to continue, I enjoy writing.
• I want to continue, I cherish the comments I get.
• I want to kill it, 4/10 posts piss My Bride off.
What do I do? She says killing the blog is irrational. I completely disagree with that. There is a definite logic and rationale behind my reasoning: stop hurting her. That sounds pretty reasonable to me.
Maybe I’ll write again. Maybe I start a new blog and don’t tell her about it. Maybe i forget this whole thing and keep writing. Damned if I know.