What an odd day. I spent almost my entire day working on my spiritual/moral inventory for step 4. For those of you who have not done this or are unfamiliar with the steps, the fourth step is to “Make a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves.” In other words- this is the stuff that sucks about me.
I’ve become accustomed to painful feelings while in recovery. Though I have always looked forward to it, any therapy session I’ve been in has come with a good deal of pain. Anytime I’ve done my Celebrate Recovery homework there has been pain. Whenever I speak with My Bride about serious issues there is always pain. That stuff was child’s play compared to writing my inventory.
I knew the inventory was going to suck. When I had to write my sexual history, the pain was exquisite. I remember jumping into that assignment. I was excited to get started. About 20 minutes in was when the tears began. Armed with that knowledge I have been putting off writing my inventory. It’s due this Sunday, time’s up.
What do you fear? Who do you resent? What were your sexual responses? Who did you hurt? Those aren’t exactly what one would call happy topics to spend your day with. Tomorrow I “get” to spend a few hours with my sponsor going over my pain to see if I’ve gone deep enough.
I will spend the rest of my life in recovery. That means the love affair with my hand and dong has to be permanently broken up. I hate to see relationships break up, especially when they were so close with one another 😏 I said it before, I’ll continue saying it until it stops, recovery sucks. I’ve been told that eventually ends and I look forward to that time.
There are many, many, MANY painful steps ahead. That’s something I do actually look forward to. Pain sucks, living under the oppression of addiction and the pain it brings to everyone around me sucks more. Someone recently told me that pain now is worth the beautiful and prosperous relationships of my future. That doesn’t just apply to my marriage, it applies to everything in my life.