Who Am I? How Do I Find Out?

I just got chewed out by a commenter again. “Leave her alone. Back off. Give her space.” Since EVERYBODY is saying it, perhaps I need to take it to heart. “Who are you besides a guy with BPD, bipolar and an addict? We want to know that guy. Your wife wants to know that guy and your kids want to know him. Don’t you want to know him too?” Yeah, I guess I do.

“Why are to you using this time to find yourself? Your wife is doing it.”
There quite a bit in those 2 lines.

1. What does “find yourself” mean?
2. She IS finding herself. I’m incredibly happy she’s doing it too. I’m not her, I guess that’s why I’M not doing it, I guess.

How do you find yourself? What does it mean to find yourself? Who the hell do I ask to find out? Where do I go? What do I have to do?

Everybody, My Bride, Therapist, brother, sister and commenters all tell me to “work on me.”

WHAT DOES THAT MEAN??

‘You need to work on you and I’ll work on me.’ That’s what she told me Tuesday. ‘I’m going to go work on me today’ was what she said this morning.

Who am I?
What am I?
How the fuck do I find out?

Here I am, CRYING OUT for help. Can somebody PLEASE give me a hint? Please, I beg of you, point me in the right direction.

Here are the ONLY things I know right now:
1. I killed my wife’s desire for intimacy.
2. I have successfully pushed her away so much she kicked me out.
3. She is successfully making positive changes in her life.
3. I thought I had made changes.
4. I have no idea what in supposed to be doing.
5. I have NOT recovered from depression, it is alive and kicking.
6. I STILL see myself as a failure.
7. I still see myself as a loser.
8. I still have a very negative self-image.
9. I HAVE learned a technique to keep from blowing up.
10. I don’t know how to keep my damn mouth shut or keep from saying hurtful things.

I have spent the last 3 weeks yo-yoing from highs to real, real lows. Our first 2 weeks apart were tremendous. I had made serious progress. I had a self-realization that I had been hurting people and learned something to keep from exploding. I had a spiritual reawakening.

This week has been something different altogether. I was triggered by incredibly depressing information last weekend. That information flew through my mind constantly, growing more and more dire with each trip around. It was a setback. That setback has destroyed my week and any progress I had made (in my mind). Obviously, I don’t know what’s in her mind. I assume she had lost any confidence in me that had been previously gained.

I’m in an incredibly low point right now. I’m torn between 3 places. You work on you, give me space and stop smothering me and my desire to work on our marriage.honestly the only thing I care to work on is our marriage.

Maybe if I had a clue about what working on me or finding myself meant, I might desire those over my marriage. However, knowing how codependent I am, I seriously doubt it.

Therapist told me to establish a normal sleeping schedule. I’ve sort of done that. She also told me I have to find something, everyday, to give my mind a break from thinking about things. I did that when we went fishing. Since then, nothing. There’s really nothing for me to do. There is, but it costs money and I shouldn’t do that. I do a crappy job of running our finances as it is, I don’t need to add activities or expenses.

So where does this leave me? I feel as if our entire time separated has been a waste for me. I’ve spent 3 weeks floundering about as she makes enormous improvements.

Does this mean she won’t take me back? I don’t know. I do know I’m scared to death about that. She booted me because of the way I had been testing her. At least that’s what I think she booted me for. She never really said.

Confused
Ignorant
Meandering
Clueless
Lonely
Scared
Terrified
Desperate
Depressed

Not exactly a recipe for marital bliss. What do I do?
What do I do?
What do I do?

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About MyJourney

I'm a 41 year old married father of 3. I am a sex addict. This blog is to document my progress, recovery and marital growth. Pornography is an evil creation. Let my experiences serve as a warning to all.
This entry was posted in Depression, emotion, Lesson, Marriage Issues, Mental Illness, Relationship and tagged , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

10 Responses to Who Am I? How Do I Find Out?

  1. Reenie Denver says:

    How are you doing? As a blog follower, I read about your progress and your pain. I know that recovery is personal and subjective, but more importantly, I am concerned about you.

  2. I just sent you an email bro.

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